Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Dehinde* (41) and Busola* (38) met at a wedding party in 2016. On this week’s Love Life, they talk about the pregnancy scare that led to their engagement, the work trip that resulted in Dehinde getting another woman pregnant three years into their marriage, and how they navigated a crisis that would have broken most homes.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Busola: 2016. I’d just come out of a five-year relationship a few months before we were introduced properly at his sister’s wedding. My mum saw how sad I was and kept trying to get me out of the house. When Dehinde’s family sent an invite to their event, she insisted I attend.
Dehinde: My mum literally walked Busola over to me and told me to take care of her. It was such an awkward moment. We knew each other a little; our families had crossed paths, but not well enough for my mum to hand her over to me like that. Still, I ended up hosting her for most of the party, and she seemed to have a good time.
Busola: Yes. He was a fantastic host. He kept sending food and drinks my way, even though he didn’t really stay around for conversations.
God abeg. So what happened after the wedding?
Busola: The following week, my mum asked if Dehinde had reached out to me. I was confused. I remember asking her why he’d need to.
Dehinde: Funny thing is, my mum also called to ask how things were going with Busola. I was just as confused. There was nothing going on. We exchanged numbers at the party as a courtesy. We didn’t even text or call each other. But my mum’s question made me realise they’d actually tried to set us up, and neither of them had told us.
Mothers! Did you eventually call her?
Dehinde: If I’m being honest, I called mostly to satisfy my mum. She kept pestering me, and it was starting to get on my nerves. I wasn’t dating anyone and wasn’t planning to. I was seriously considering relocating, so dating wasn’t on my mind. My mum knew all of this, so I didn’t understand why she was moving funny. But I called Busola anyway, just so my mum would stop asking.
Busola: My own mum just asked about twice and didn’t bother me. She knew I was still recovering from my last relationship and wasn’t looking for anything new. In fact, we were both still hoping that my ex and I would reunite. She’d grown fond of him and was already referring to him as her son-in-law. But we had some family issues that couldn’t make the relationship move forward.
Anyway, Dehinde eventually called, and I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to him. We had a decent conversation that flowed easily. Even though I later found out that his mum put him up to call, it didn’t feel like that.
Awww. Sounds sweet.
Dehinde: One call led to another, and before I knew it, we were talking almost every day. I told her about my dating history. She also told me everything about her ex, and I felt for her. Not pity, just genuine understanding, because I’d lost a long relationship too.
Busola: I liked that he didn’t try to rush me or push past what I was comfortable sharing. Some people would want to know exactly what made your last relationship fail. But he just listened to what I was comfortable sharing and didn’t push further. That made it easy to keep talking to him, even when I wasn’t sure what we were really doing.
After about three months of constant talking and hanging out, we agreed to date properly.
Nice. Did your families know at that point?
Dehinde: Not right away. We kept it quiet at first. Both our families already knew each other, so we knew word would travel fast if we weren’t careful, and we wanted some time to figure things out between ourselves first.
Eventually, they found out. But we were already solid enough that it didn’t feel like a big deal.
What were the early days of the relationship like?
Busola: They were sweet. We understood each other a lot. We knew what we’d both been through in relationships, so there wasn’t a lot of explaining ourselves to do. We gave ourselves a lot of grace. Since our families already had a relationship, introducing him properly wasn’t stressful either. If anything, everyone was happy. I eventually found out it wasn’t even just our mums’ idea to set us up. Our siblings and aunties were involved.
But yeah, things ran smoothly. We’d talk on the phone most evenings after work, and on weekends he’d come by my place, or I’d go over to his to talk for hours about nothing in particular. I don’t think we had any major issues.
Dehinde: I think I fell harder than I expected to. I went into it thinking I was just satisfying my mum, and somewhere along the line, I actually fell in love. Soon, everyone around us started expecting we’d take the next step, and honestly, we didn’t see a reason to wait. We both had stable jobs, so there wasn’t really anything holding us back. I always told my mum I’d be married by 30. I was already 31, and a part of me just felt an intense push to take things to the next level. Still, I wanted to take my time. I wanted the relationship to go on for over a year first.
Fair enough. So, when exactly did marriage enter the picture?
Dehinde: About a year into dating, Busola had a pregnancy scare. In the days we waited to find out, something in me felt like it was a sign to take the next step. I knew then that whether she was pregnant or not, I was ready to marry her.
It turned out she wasn’t pregnant, but that whole experience had already shown me where my head was. I proposed two months later, at her parents’ house, with both our families there. I hadn’t planned for a public proposal, but the whole thing just kept getting bigger. Everyone wanted to be there.
Busola: I know he didn’t really go into details, but that pregnancy scare was actually quite serious. I was extremely sick, which didn’t help. But the way he was so calm and reassuring really helped. I suddenly went from being scared to asking, “What’s the worst that could happen?” I didn’t get pregnant for a random person, and our families already knew we were together. I honestly don’t know why I was even worked up.
In March 2018, he proposed. I was embarrassed because I hadn’t dressed up for the occasion at all; I thought it was just a regular family visit. Apparently, everyone else but me knew what was going on. We got married in August 2018, about six months after that.
What was the first year of marriage like?
Busola: Blissful. We were settling into life together, and it felt like we’d figured each other out well before the wedding, so there wasn’t a lot of adjusting to do.
Dehinde: But then our parents started asking about making babies almost immediately, which is normal for us as Nigerians. We weren’t in a rush, though. We just told ourselves that if it happened, it happened, and we carried on with our lives.
Busola: Towards the end of the second year, we started to worry a bit ourselves. I’d have delayed periods sometimes, get my hopes up, and then nothing. We tried not to treat it as an issue because it was still fairly early, but the pressure from family didn’t stop. My mother-in-law would call sometimes just to ask how I was feeling, and I knew exactly what she was asking about.
Dehinde: Honestly, two years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, but the constant questions from both sides of the family made it feel serious. I remember telling my mum to relax, that these things take their own time, but she wasn’t fully convinced.
Busola: It was a weird period. At some point, we even stopped attending family events because someone was either praying or asking about kids.
Then Dehinde went and made things worse.
What do you mean?
Dehinde: I travelled for work that year, and I had a fling with a lady I met on the trip. I regretted it almost as soon as I got back to Lagos, and I genuinely tried to put it behind me and move on. I told myself it was a one-time lapse. I wanted to tell Busola immediately, but since I’d decided it wouldn’t happen again, I told myself there was no need.
Then, about two weeks later, I got a call from a strange number. It turned out to be the same lady. She told me she was pregnant and said I didn’t need to worry, that she only needed money to take care of it.
Oh
Dehinde: Part of me felt like I should have just sent the money and let it end there. But something pushed me to tell Busola first. We were already in our third year of marriage without our own child. As strange as it sounds, hearing that this woman was pregnant felt like confirmation for me that whatever was happening wasn’t necessarily on my side. So I went to her pastor and told him everything.
Curious. Why go through the pastor instead of telling her directly?
Dehinde: I needed someone else in the room. I’d stepped out and gotten another lady pregnant. I knew I’d deeply broken her trust and didn’t know how to confront her alone. The pastor married us, so he felt like the right person. With him, I knew we also wouldn’t have to worry about our families hearing about what was going on in our home.
Right. So how did the conversation go?
Busola: The moment the pastor showed up unannounced, I already sensed something was wrong. He doesn’t visit without a heads up. Once he explained what Dehinde had told him, I just sat down there. I didn’t cry or make a scene. I just said plainly that the lady couldn’t carry the pregnancy to term. I remember the pastor looking a bit surprised at how calm I was.
Dehinde: Her reaction threw me off a little. I’d expected her to yell or even walk out on me. She wasn’t dramatic about it at all, but she was very firm that the pregnancy couldn’t stay. She said it almost as if she were stating a fact, not a demand. I sent the money not long after, and that was the end of that issue, at least on the surface.
Busola, what was going through your mind at the time?
Busola: I was hurt that he would even step out. But, oddly enough, I also felt a strange sense of relief that he was fine, health-wise. I should mention that all this time, we’d not really been committed to fertility treatments. We refused to let external pressure make us feel like something was wrong. Again, this was just our third year. So for me, it was like, no matter how his actions hurt, I knew he was fine.
Whatever emotions I felt were internal. Almost like I now had to figure out if I was fine. Why did someone else get pregnant so easily when we’d been trying, and nothing happened?
Was this why you stepped out, Dehinde?
Dehinde: It was purely coincidental.
Got it. Did your relationship feel different after this rough patch?
Busola: It did. We grew distant. We didn’t talk about it much because we didn’t want to give our families any reason to get involved. If word got out, it would have only added fuel to a fire we were already trying to douse. We kept up appearances at necessary family functions and barely said much to each other at home.
Dehinde: For about a year, it genuinely felt like we were living like strangers under the same roof. We still had a physical relationship, but it lacked the connection we once had. On top of that, we’d started going for fertility treatments, both traditional and hospital-based, trying to figure out what was actually going on. Some weeks we’d go to the hospital for tests, other times my mother would insist we see someone she knew back home. We tried it all just to see what works.
Did the affair come up again between you during that period?
Busola: Not really. He’d told me it was a one-time mistake, and whether or not I could ever fully verify that, I believed him.
Dehinde: I constantly reassured her that nothing like that had happened again, because it hadn’t. It was a mistake I regretted immediately, and I was determined never to put us in that position again.
So, where are things now, after eight years of marriage?
Dehinde: We’re in a good place. We’ve built a lot together — careers, a home and a life we’re both proud of. We still don’t have a child of our own, but we’ve stopped letting that define how we see our marriage. There was a period where every conversation somehow circled back to it, but these days we’re able to talk about other things, plan for other things, without that hanging over every discussion.
Busola: We’re still trusting God with it. We’re still fairly young, so we haven’t lost hope. But even if it doesn’t happen the way we originally imagined, we know we’ll be fine. We’ve proven that to ourselves already, through everything we’ve survived together. I used to think a child would make our marriage complete, but I’ve come to see that we’re already whole as we are.
Have you ever talked about what things might look like if you’d kept that pregnancy and raised the child together?
Dehinde: We have, actually. We wonder what it would have looked like to raise that child, especially now that so many years have passed without one of our own coming along.
Busola: We don’t dwell on it for long, though. We made the decision, based on where we both were emotionally, and we’ve made peace with it. Bringing another woman’s child into the marriage in the middle of everything would have been a lot, and I’m not sure either of us could have handled it well back then.
What’s the best thing about being with each other after everything you’ve been through?
Busola: Dehinde is dependable. Even through the hardest parts of our marriage, he never gave up on us, and I never gave up on us either. I know exactly who I’m dealing with, for better or worse, and I like that level of certainty. He’s not perfect, but I’m able to tolerate his imperfections, just like he tolerates mine.
Dehinde: My wife is stronger than she gives herself credit for. I don’t take our love for granted. A lot of marriages wouldn’t have survived what ours went through, and I think about that often.
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On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Dehinde: I’d say a 9. We’ve been through real tests, not just the small everyday disagreements, but something that could have ended a lot of marriages. The fact that we’re still here tells me we made the right choice in each other.
Busola: I’ll also say an 8. We’re not a perfect couple, and we’ve had our share of pain, but we’re growing together, doing life together, and whatever happens with the child situation, I know we’ll handle it as a team. Eight years in, I still choose him, and I believe he still chooses me, too.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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