In the third episode of Zikoko’s 100 Nigerians: Anatomy of a Marriage, we asked married Nigerians to reflect on the different ways having children has reshaped their marriages.

From newlyweds who became parents almost immediately to couples who struggled to find their rhythm once they settled into their new roles as mummy and daddy, these stories unpack the joy, pressure and constant adjustments that come with raising children together.

“Having children early affected us” — Precious*, 29

I got pregnant two months after our wedding. Then our second and third children arrived in quick succession. Sometimes, I wish we’d had more time to enjoy being husband and wife before becoming parents.

Those first few years were difficult. Between pregnancies and raising young children, there was very little room for us as a couple. We argued more often, and there were moments when I felt completely overwhelmed and questioned whether I was ready for marriage at all.

Things improved once we settled into a routine and became intentional about protecting our relationship. These days, we leave the children with family occasionally and make time to reconnect.

“After two kids, our closeness disappeared” — Chika, 51

Before we had children, my husband and I were inseparable. We’d spend hours talking after work, wear matching outfits whenever we went out and look for every excuse to spend time together. When our daughter was born, it took us a while to settle into parenthood, but we still made time for each other. Then our son arrived.

He came a few weeks early and developed jaundice. Between caring for him and raising a toddler, our routine disappeared overnight. Before we knew it, the only things we talked about were school fees, nappies, nannies and feeding schedules.

For years, I’d sit right beside my husband and still miss him because it felt like we had stopped seeing each other. We didn’t get even a semblance of our old closeness back until both our children left for boarding school.

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“The pressure of providing almost ruined my marriage” — Ugo, 42

I always thought becoming a father would give me a sense of pride and legacy. Instead, it introduced me to a level of pressure I wasn’t prepared for. I became obsessed with providing the best life possible for my children. Without realising it, I focused so much on earning money that I stopped showing up emotionally at home.

My wife eventually told me she felt like she was carrying all the emotional labour by herself. That conversation changed me. I’ve had to make a conscious effort to slow down, be more present with my children and reconnect with my wife.

“My mum had to move in before I lost my mind” — Sola, 38

Nobody warned me how exhaustion could slowly change your personality. After I had our twins, sleep became a luxury. If one baby stopped crying, the other immediately started. My husband helped whenever he got home from work, but he was always exhausted after a long day, too.

At first, we worked as a team. Then the sleep deprivation caught up with us. Every small disagreement turned into a fight about who’d woken up last, who’d done more and who was more tired. It wasn’t really about the babies anymore. I just felt exhausted, unseen and deeply unappreciated.

I genuinely thought our marriage was falling apart. Everything changed when my mum moved in to help with the babies. Once I started sleeping properly again, I slowly felt like myself.

“Motherhood became my whole identity. I’m learning to love it” — Amina, 45

Motherhood has swallowed every part of who I used to be. Before I had children, I had routines, hobbies and a strong sense of independence. Then I became a mum, and suddenly everything revolved around my children.

I love them deeply, but sometimes I feel like I’ve disappeared in the process of raising them. My husband still had time for work, friends and hobbies, but my life became work, church and home.

These days, I’ve chosen to find purpose in motherhood. By God’s grace, I’ll become a grandmother someday too, and I hope I’ll find joy in that season as well.

“We were so exhausted, we stopped having sex” — Tolu, 32

After our son was born, our sex life changed completely. We went from having sex several times a week to once if we were lucky. It wasn’t because we loved each other any less; we were simply exhausted from our roles as parents.

There was always a crying baby, laundry, work or something else demanding our attention. By the end of the day, sleep felt far more appealing than sex.

At first, I worried something was wrong with our marriage. Then I spoke to a few other dads and realised how common it was when children get into the picture. 

We’ve had to learn new ways to stay emotionally connected, especially now that physical intimacy isn’t as frequent as it used to be.

“I wasn’t prepared for what postpartum depression did to my wife” — Emeka, 48

My wife developed postpartum depression after our first child, and nothing prepared me for it. My mum kept saying it would pass, so I convinced myself things would eventually get better.

But they didn’t. My wife became withdrawn and emotionally distant, and I felt completely helpless. I was terrified she’d hurt herself and leave me to raise our baby alone. Eventually, I insisted we return to the hospital and also hired a nanny to support us. Thankfully, she gradually became herself again.

Looking back, I’ve never been more afraid during our marriage. That experience completely changed how I see marriage. It isn’t just about finding a helpmate. Sometimes, you’re the one who has to carry your partner until they’re strong enough to carry themselves again.

“Motherhood suddenly made everyone respect me” — Rukayat, 40

The biggest surprise after I became a mother was how differently people treated me. My parents, in-laws, neighbours, almost everyone suddenly spoke to me with a new level of respect. I was still quite young, but for the first time, I felt like a proper adult.

Thankfully, my daughter’s stubborn personality humbled me before I could let it get to my head. Sometimes I laugh when I think about it. It took over 18 hours of labour before everyone finally decided I deserved respect.

“Parenting exposed how differently we were raised” — Dekunle, 37

I never expected parenting to expose just how differently my wife and I were raised. We’ve constantly argued about discipline, routines and even bedtime.

What I considered normal correction, she thought was too harsh. What she called gentle parenting, I thought was spoiling.

We’ve had to unlearn a lot and intentionally decide what kind of parents we want to be, rather than simply repeating how we were raised. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been fascinating to watch our child adapt to different methods as we figure it out together.

“Becoming a mum made me understand my parents” — Funmi, 39

Becoming a mother completely changed how I see my own parents. For the first time, I understood their sacrifices and frustrations because now there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my children. It also made me realise how complicated parenting really is. Every decision feels enormous. Which school should they attend? Where should we raise them? Are we making the right choices?

In the middle of all this, I’m constantly thinking about my husband. Imagine carrying all that while also feeling responsible for your entire family. Parenting has given me a new appreciation for him. It’s not easy, and honestly, it’s only by God’s grace that we’re doing our best.

“I felt guilty because I didn’t enjoy motherhood all the time” — Nkiru, 36

I love my child deeply, but there are days I miss my old life. I haven’t slept properly since I had my seven-year-old. Spontaneous plans have disappeared because I always have to think about who’ll look after my child.

In those early years, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to complain. Everyone expects mothers to be grateful all the time, but motherhood can also be exhausting and overwhelming.

When I finally opened up to other women, I realised I wasn’t alone. They were struggling too. That helped me breathe a little. At first, I even resented my husband because it seemed like parenting came more easily to him. Looking back now, I know I couldn’t have survived those years without him. If he hadn’t been there, I probably would’ve packed my bags and left my son with my mum.

“Having children made me love my husband even more” — Abosede, 39

Most people always talk about how children make marriage harder, but nobody talks about how much they can strengthen it, too. The newborn stage with our two children was incredibly hard. We were exhausted and irritable, and we barely had time for each other. But somewhere in that chaos, I started seeing sides of my husband I’d never seen before.

Watching him wake up at 3 a.m. to soothe a crying baby or patiently brush our son’s hair before school made me fall in love with him all over again. I loved him as my husband before, but now I admire him as a father too. I can’t deny that it has made our marriage stronger than it ever was when we just got married.

Navigating Crisis follows couples who hit a wall in their relationship and found their way back to other. Dropping July 17.

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