On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
After a painful breakup, Joseph* (26) developed feelings for the one woman he could never have: his brother’s wife.
In this episode of On the Streets, he shares how that experience, alongside years of returning to the same ex, changed the way he thinks about love and relationships.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m single. I’ve always been a lover boy, so I don’t feel great. But I’m staying patient and trusting I’ll meet someone better suited to me than my ex.
Walk me through your love life. How did you get here?
I grew up in a religious family. I attended an all-boys school and spent most of my teenage years working toward becoming a pastor. My strict Christian background meant that I barely interacted with girls. I had crushes in church and fellowship, but I was awkward and didn’t know how to approach women.
Everything changed when my mum died of cancer in 2018. We’d prayed and trusted God for her healing, so losing her shook my faith.
I was in my second year of university at the time, and I decided to experience life outside the religious boundaries I’d set for myself. That’s when I met Amanda*.
Tell me about Amanda.
She was my coursemate. We started as friends; I was one of the smarter students in our department, so we’d study together. Over time, we grew close.
Amanda made the first move after a few months. One night, after I’d walked her back to her hostel, she kissed me. I’d never experienced anything like that before. She was confident and direct, and to someone as shy as I was, that was attractive. We eventually started dating in October 2019.
At first, the relationship was great. But over time, certain things about her began to put me off.
Like what?
She was very materialistic. Amanda expected a lot from me without really considering that I was also a struggling student. She wanted me to pay for things like her hair and nails, and I simply couldn’t keep up with my ₦22k allowance.
Even during the COVID lockdown, she still expected me to send money regularly. Over time, I grew tired of her demands and stopped putting in any effort. We broke up before lockdown ended.
Did you feel better afterwards?
No. Even though I’d initiated the break-up, I couldn’t stay away.
I pushed for a second chance shortly after we resumed after the lockdown. But the same issues persisted. I tried to explain my financial reality, and although Amanda claimed to understand, her attitude didn’t really change.
While I was still dealing with the money problems, I found out she was cheating.
Oh
A friend saw a picture she’d taken in another guy’s apartment and told me about it.
I pieced things together and realised she’d gotten with him during our brief breakup. What hurt the most was finding out that she continued even after we reunited. When I confronted her, she told me it was just a fling.
I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how she’d moved on so easily or why she came back if she was still involved with someone else. I ended things again.
But were you able to move on this time around?
Not really. I spent the next couple of months trying to meet new people, but nothing worked.
At some point, I found someone who was terribly bad at communication, and my feelings eventually fizzled out. While I was going through this phase, I somehow convinced myself that Amanda was the only person I could be with.
So, against my better judgment, I went back to her.
Wait, what?
Yes, I walked right back to her. We were in our final year and still saw each other regularly. One day, I asked her to hang out, and we talked through everything that had happened between us. By the end of that conversation, it was clear we still had feelings for each other.
We started hooking up again, but it was casual. I didn’t trust her enough to commit to something serious, but she insisted on a defined relationship.
She felt that was the only way she’d know that I’d truly forgiven her. Not long after we finished our final exams and returned home, she ghosted me again. I was hurt, but I didn’t push things any further.
I’m guessing you learned your lessons this time.
I did. I spent the next couple of months navigating NYSC. I’d been posted to Jos and moved in with my older brother and his wife, Niret*.
She was very kind to me. We’d stay up watching films and spend hours discussing books and our dad-to-day activities. Over time, we became really close, and that was when I noticed my feelings had actually developed into a crush.
What?
It was an innocent crush, and I wished it wasn’t there at all. But it was, and I couldn’t deny it. Around the same time, I started to notice the cracks in her marriage. My brother wasn’t a great husband. He cheated and left the house for days without a word about his whereabouts. Sometimes Niret would confide in me, and I would comfort her.
I didn’t realise how deep my feelings had grown beyond an innocent crush until I vented to a friend about how badly my brother had treated her, and he said I sounded like I was in love.
What was that realisation like?
Awful. She was my brother’s wife, who was also seven years older. Nothing about my feelings made sense, but they didn’t go away. Instead, they grew stronger, and I always wanted to be around her. I bought her gifts and constantly looked for ways to help her.
Even though she warmly received my help and friendship, I don’t think she ever suspected anything. I was just a younger brother to her, and I wasn’t going to ruin her marriage by telling her my feelings.
So did you consider moving out?
Not immediately, I thought I could manage my feelings and carry on as usual. But between watching her and my brother every day, jealousy crept in. In 2024, during the Christmas holidays, they went away for a few days while I stayed home with my nephews. I felt physically sick thinking about the two of them together.
That was when I realised I needed to leave. I started applying for jobs and eventually moved back to Ogun State.
Did the distance help?
Not at first. It felt like a breakup I couldn’t tell anyone about. I stayed indoors listening to sad songs and sulking. I felt so terrible that I would’ve done anything to take the pain away. Maybe that’s why I was happy to run back to Amanda.
Oh dear
I know. But it wasn’t intentional, I just needed company.
Amanda had opened a spa, and I helped her with setting up the business. We spent the first few weeks talking and maintaining a safe distance. But that could only last a while. Old feelings resurfaced, and we had sex. This time, she was very clearly on making things official, and I agreed with her.
Why? What made this attempt different?
We were older and more mature, and to be fair, the relationship itself was better. The only problem was that our reunion was built on the wrong reasons.
We were comfortable with each other, but the excitement had faded. We held on for about a year, but I eventually checked out emotionally. I was especially bad with communication.
Still, I felt guilty about walking away because there wasn’t any obvious problem. We’d just outgrown each other.
The breakup finally came a few months after she moved to Port Harcourt, and I became even more withdrawn from the relationship.
She confronted me and said the relationship had run its course.
And I agreed with her. This time, we also agreed to remain friends.
So, how have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I’ve learnt that familiarity isn’t enough reason to stay in a relationship.
Whenever things didn’t work out with someone new, I’d convince myself that Amanda was the only person I could be with. But people are exes for a reason.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
6/10. I’m still getting used to being completely single, but the good thing is that I’m finally open to meeting new people. I believe I’ll find love again.
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