On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
Victor’s* (29) relationship ended when his ex chose to dedicate her life to God. Years later, after finally opening his heart to someone else, he found himself nursing another heartbreak. On this week’s episode of On the Streets, he talks about how those relationships shaped his self-worth and the lessons he’s learned about letting go.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m single because dating hasn’t really worked out for me. I’ve been hurt multiple times, and it got to a point where I started asking myself the point of relationships.
I still want love and marriage, but I’m currently focused on my personal growth. I’m happy to let love happen when it’s meant to.
How did you get here?
I was a very shy person growing up, so I never really approached girls.
Esther* was my first girlfriend in secondary school. In 2012, when I was in SS1, she joined my class, and everyone thought she was beautiful.
I admired her from a distance because I didn’t think I’d stand a chance. Then, in SS2, we became close through a mutual friend.
I loved writing, so I’d write her little notes. It was a very innocent relationship. The most we’d do was kiss. A few months after we became friends, I asked her out, and she said yes.
What was the relationship like in the beginning?
At first, everything was great. The problems started in 2014, after Esther got confirmed in her church.
Esther was Catholic while I was Pentecostal. Religion hadn’t been an issue when we started dating because she wasn’t particularly strict about it. But after the confirmation, she became much more devoted to her faith and started talking about dedicating her life to God.
She also had an older mentor in church whom she deeply admired and who had a big influence on her.
At first, I didn’t think much of it because she still went back and forth. Sometimes she’d be fully immersed in church activities, and other times things between us would feel completely normal.
Then, after our WAEC exams, she suddenly stopped speaking to me.
What happened?
I kept trying to reach her, but she became completely distant.
When we eventually spoke again, she told me she’d been going through a spiritual conviction and needed space.
Eventually, we reconciled, but things were never quite the same.
How did her faith begin to affect the relationship?
She became even more committed to her faith and began to question whether she should be in a relationship at all.
I cared about her so much that I told her if she wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, I’d respect that completely. But it wasn’t really about sex. She felt the relationship itself no longer aligned with the life she believed God was calling her to live.
Even so, I fought for us. We stayed together and eventually attended the same polytechnic.
Did things improve once you got to the polytechnic?
On the surface, yes. I respected her boundaries. The bigger issue was that I always felt she wasn’t completely sure about us because of my faith.
Whenever we talked about the future, she’d question whether a Catholic and a Pentecostal could really make a marriage work. To me, it didn’t seem like a problem worth worrying about. I figured we’d cross that bridge when we got there. But for her, it was an issue.
She also criticised parts of my lifestyle that she felt weren’t Christian enough. If I went partying or did something she didn’t approve of, she’d take it as proof that we weren’t spiritually compatible.
Eventually, I stopped being completely honest. I’d hide things from her or avoid telling her what I was doing because I didn’t want another disagreement. I was constantly on edge, trying to be the version of myself I thought she wanted instead of simply being myself.
I believed it was worth it because I loved her. I also knew she meant well and only wanted me to become a better person.
The last thing I expected was for her to tell me she wanted to become a Catholic sister.
Woah. How did that happen?
I first heard about it during our second year at poly. Looking back, the signs had been there for a while. She’d become deeply involved in her parish and volunteered for almost everything. I simply thought she had a generous heart.
She didn’t tell me herself at first. A mutual friend told me Esther had been thinking about becoming a Catholic sister, but was afraid to tell me.
I laughed it off. I couldn’t imagine her giving up our relationship, so I tried not to think about it.
Eventually, she brought it up herself. She told me she felt called to become a sister. She wasn’t entirely certain, given how life-changing the decision was, but she believed it was what God wanted her to do.
How did you react?
I was devastated. Her parents weren’t fully on board either. She’s their only daughter, so they were understandably worried, even though they were deeply religious themselves.
That gave me hope. I convinced myself it was just a phase and that she’d eventually change her mind.
Then she disappeared again for a few days, and I realised she might actually be serious. I eventually told her that if becoming a sister was truly what she wanted, I wouldn’t stand in her way. But I asked if we could stay together until she finished her OND before making a final decision.
During that period, I prayed constantly and hoped her parents would eventually convince her to reconsider.
Did things work out the way you hoped?
No. About eight months later, after we finished our OND, our parents expected us to continue to HND, but she had other plans. She’d already started applying to different religious congregations and was eventually accepted into one.
When she told me, I was shattered.
I’d always believed that, given enough time, she’d change her mind, especially because she loved family life and seemed to enjoy so many parts of ordinary life.
I kept researching different ways she could still serve God, hoping she’d see another path. But she’d already made up her mind.
I’ll never forget how I felt when she officially ended our relationship in October 2018, before she left for her postulancy training.
How did you handle the breakup?
Not well.
I was angry and said things I regret because I couldn’t understand why she was choosing that life over the future we’d planned together.
At the time, all I could think was that if she loved me enough, she would change her mind.
I understand her decision much better now, but back then, all I felt was rejection.
I’d never been especially religious, but I knew there was nothing that would’ve made me walk away from someone I loved.
Moving on was incredibly difficult.
We’d been together for almost six years, so losing her felt like losing the future I’d imagined for myself.
Even after we broke up, I reached out to apologise for how things ended. I tried to stay friends, hoping we’d eventually reconnect, but she seemed uncomfortable around me.
I know she probably didn’t mean it that way, but I always felt like she could barely tolerate my presence.
For a long time, I couldn’t stop researching religious life. I kept wondering whether people ever left the convent or changed their minds. I held on to the hope that she’d come back.
We eventually drifted apart, and I accepted that she wasn’t going to change her mind.
Did you date anyone after Esther?
Not for a long time. I couldn’t bring myself to get close to anyone. I was afraid of investing so much in another relationship only to end up heartbroken again.
Even when I met someone I liked, I’d lose interest because I was scared of getting attached.
I didn’t have another serious relationship until 2023, during my NYSC year, when I met Faith*.
Tell me about Faith
We served at the same PPA, where we were both interns. As we spent more time together, we naturally became close.
Faith was the complete opposite of me. She was bubbly, caring and always had my back. There was never a dull moment with her.
It also helped that, while she was a Christian, she never imposed her beliefs on me. After everything I’d been through with Esther, that mattered a lot.
We spent a few months getting to know each other before I asked her to be my girlfriend towards the end of our service year in November 2023.
She said yes.
What was the relationship like?
It was really good in the beginning.
The biggest challenge came when I moved to another state for work. We went from seeing each other almost every day to trying to make a long-distance relationship work.
That’s when the problems started.
I struggled to fully trust her.
Faith had many male friends and was naturally very social. She felt I was being insecure, while I felt she didn’t have the boundaries I needed to feel comfortable.
It became a recurring source of conflict. As time went on, I convinced myself that if we were more intentional about our future, the relationship would feel more secure.
What made you feel ready for that?
Around our first anniversary, I realised I wanted reassurance that we were building towards the same future.
During one of my visits, I planned a surprise for her at a hotel. I decorated the room, bought gifts and asked her to marry me.
She said no.
Why do you think so?
She said she wasn’t ready.
I was hurt because we’d already talked about dating intentionally. I’d always made it clear that I wasn’t interested in casual relationships, so I genuinely thought we were on the same page.
Besides, I wasn’t asking her to marry me immediately. I just wanted to know we were working towards the same destination.
Afterwards, she told me she still wanted to achieve certain things before thinking about marriage and that she’d simply panicked. I accepted that explanation and agreed to give her more time.
But the relationship wasn’t the same after that.
She slowly started pulling away. Our conversations became less frequent, and it took her much longer to reply to my messages. Eventually, she told me everything felt like it was moving too fast.
I reminded her that I wasn’t asking us to get married immediately, but she said I was projecting my fears from my relationship with Esther onto her, and that it had become toxic.
She also said we weren’t aligned anymore. She talked about her plans to leave Nigeria and said she didn’t want to tie me down. Deep down, though, I knew she simply didn’t want to be with me anymore.
How did you take the breakup?
I was devastated. I kept asking myself why the people I loved never seemed to choose me. I started questioning my worth. We broke up in December 2024, and for a long time afterwards, I couldn’t imagine opening up to someone else.
There were times when I’d relapse and reach out to Faith. We’d talk for a while, but nothing ever came of it. Eventually, I had to accept reality. I’m in a much better place now and completely over her.
Great. How have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
Not to force what isn’t meant to work. For a long time, I tied my self-worth to whether someone chose me. My self-esteem is still something I’m working on because those experiences really changed how I saw myself.
These days, I’m putting my energy into my career and feeling better about myself. I believe the right people will come into my life naturally, and I don’t have to force relationships anymore.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
Being single isn’t easy. I still miss having someone to talk to or share my day with.
But as more time passes, I’m adjusting. I’ve started a new job where I’m building meaningful friendships. I’ve realised being single isn’t the end of the world.
Read Next: Sunken Ships: My Fiancée Left Me Twice. Now She Wants a Third Chance.
