Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Dasola* (31) moved to Ibadan in 2024 to start over after her mother’s death. Then, she met Tayo* (39).
On this week’s Love Life, they talk about going from a temporary distraction to moving in together and dealing with the mother of his eight year old son.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Tayo: I first noticed Dasola at a hotel in Ibadan in March 2024.
She was working in the lobby, and I immediately became interested in her, so I sent the receptionist to get her attention. When that didn’t work, I sent a waitress. Eventually, I had to summon the courage to approach her myself. That first conversation turned into a mini-date.
I found out later that she worked remotely and used the hotel as her unofficial work station.
Dasola: That’s not exactly how I remember it.
I had just moved to Ibadan after my mother passed away. I left Lagos and all its chaos and got a hybrid job as head of marketing and communications at a travel and exam prep agency. On the days I worked remotely, I’d go to the bar of a hotel near my house to use the light and just relax while working.
One day, I went there as usual and noticed the bar was closed as I was getting off my bike. While I was figuring out my next move, he walked up to say hello. I was impatient because I had a meeting in a few minutes, but he assured me the place would open soon. He sounded so confident that I decided to wait.
That’s how we started talking.
What piqued your interest in each other?
Tayo: I’d been coming to that bar for a while, but she was the first unfamiliar face I’d seen. That immediately sparked my curiosity. But she was always working on her laptop, really focused and career oriented. That’s what got me genuinely interested in her.
Dasola: I didn’t really notice him at first. But once I did, there was a bit of platonic interest. I’m very attracted to the fine things of life and Tayo looked really good. But I couldn’t pursue anything because I was seeing someone else at the time.
I just wanted to have fun, make new friends in Ibadan, and cope with my grief after losing my mum. But Tayo was very persistent about going on a date. He seemed really sweet and gentle, so I agreed for him to be my friend.
Tayo: I’d been in a lot of on and off relationships but nothing seemed to stick. I also had a baby mama who was still in my life, but I had no intention of getting married to her. I was looking to date seriously and find someone who could be my lifetime partner.
How did that first “mini-date” go?
Tayo: We talked and you couldn’t even tell we’d only just met. I wanted to get to know her as a person and see if she’d be a great fit for me. I didn’t want to end up in a situation where things got serious, we got married, and then realised we weren’t good for each other. I’d already had the baby mama situation and didn’t want to repeat that mistake. So I asked a lot of personal questions about her life and her work, and I liked everything I heard.
Dasola: We went to another bar just beside the hotel. He ordered everything I wanted and I ate with so much relish. I immediately told him about my relationship status so he could manage his expectations, and that helped keep things controlled.
He was a perfect gentleman and completely non-judgmental. Smoking was my coping mechanism at the time. There’s a stereotype about girls like me who smoke cigarettes, but Tayo was gentlemanly enough to light one for me, and when it finished, he sent someone to get more.
Tayo: I was sad when she told me she was in a relationship, but I didn’t give up. A part of me felt like whatever she had going on with the guy wouldn’t work out. And I was right, which is why we’re here today. I was very patient and consistent with her.
Did you also immediately tell her about your baby mama, Tayo?
Tayo: I didn’t.
Dasola: No. I didn’t know until one random day after we’d started dating. I got a call from a strange number.
Before we get to that, how did things progress from friends to dating?
Tayo: We went on many more friendly dates together. Dasola is very entertaining to be around and that made it easy to grow our bond. We both don’t keep a lot of friends, so we were all we had. I got so comfortable talking about everything with her, and my feelings kept getting stronger.
Dasola: I felt he love-bombed me. Things moved faster than I intended. He was constantly calling me, morning, afternoon, and evening, and he insisted we see each other every day.
At some point, I tried to draw back because I didn’t want to jeopardise my relationship. But it was a long distance relationship, and my partner rarely made time for us. So it was easier to lean into the friendship with Tayo. He knows I like food and was constantly taking me to try new places.
Even when we stayed out late, we’d drink together and enjoy each other’s company. But I hadn’t invited him to my place and he hadn’t invited me to his.
Tayo: I remember how strict she was about not letting me come to her place or inviting me inside when I did. At some point, I wanted to give up the chase and move on. But because I felt certain that she was who I wanted, I knew I couldn’t back down.
Dasola: One day, we went out and got back really late. I was way too tipsy, but I refused to go over to his house. We ended up sleeping at a hotel, and we had sex.
Oh
Tayo: She was less resistant to me after that.
Dasola: I was still reluctant to accept him as another lover. So I made him a fling and kept my boyfriend around. Since Tayo was big on honesty, I told him what I’d decided, and he was cool with it.
How then did things become official?
Dasola: We continued with the fling situation for about eight months, and everyone was happy. But Tayo was still persistent about wanting to settle down with me. The following year, I turned 30 and started to realise that I wanted something serious that actually led to marriage.
My partner was still telling me he needed five years before he could consider settling down, and I didn’t have that time. Meanwhile, here’s Tayo who had been nothing short of sweet and perfect. So I took stock of my situation and decided to give him a real chance.
Tayo: As soon as she said yes, I wanted to move fast because I’d waited long enough. I don’t know if my baby mama was stalking me, but she heard about Dasola and me.
Is that when you got that call, Dasola?
Dasola: Yes.
Shortly before Tayo took me to see his parents. Someone called, warning me to steer clear of him, that he isn’t a good person, he’s a serial cheat who has a baby mama and an eight-year-old. It was surprising to hear, but I didn’t react emotionally. I simply called Tayo and told him everything the caller said.
That’s when he came clean, told me about his baby mama and how his parents didn’t like her.
Tayo: On another day, while we were at the bar where we used to hang out, my baby mama waylaid us and attacked Dasola. It was a really chaotic scene. I had to calm both women until things settled down.
Dasola went home and then invited me over to her place. We had a long conversation about what happened. She seemed very calm and genuine despite what had happened, and that inspired me to speed things along. After that incident, I took her home to my parents and they received her with open arms.
Dasola: And true to his words, his parents were honest about everything the day I met them.
Tayo: My parents really liked Dasola from day one. They could see she was different from my baby mama.
How did you really feel about the incident, Dasola?
Dasola: I wasn’t fazed about her. I saw it as fair competition. We both weren’t married to him, and even though she lived with his parents, they didn’t like her. I knew in my heart that Tayo would never end up with someone his parents were against. He respects them, so she wasn’t real competition.
How has the relationship progressed since?
Dasola: The early days were filled with fights. We argued so much that people kept asking why we were still together. Many of the issues stemmed from the way Tayo spoke to me. He raises his voice when he’s upset, and I don’t respond well to that. Sometimes, his tone was condescending, which only made our disagreements worse. There were moments when it felt like we were arguing more than enjoying the relationship.
Tayo: Looking back, we were still figuring each other out and learning how to communicate. It took time, but we’ve gradually found a balance. These days, when one person is upset, the other usually tries to stay calm. Dasola is the more rational one when emotions are running high, and I think that’s helped us handle disagreements much better than we did at the beginning.
What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Dasola: I’ve gotten to know him beyond the version most people see. We started living together just a few months into the relationship, so I got to see what he’s like in his most vulnerable moments. I’ve learnt a lot from him. I grew up in an environment where most chores were outsourced, and even after I moved out on my own, I still preferred to outsource almost everything.
I’m also a little disorganised. Tayo is the complete opposite. He gets upset if shoes aren’t arranged properly or if I move items around the house. Living together taught me to be more intentional about those things.
Tayo: Living together helped us understand each other much faster than we would have otherwise. We approach certain things differently, but we’ve found a system that works for us. Instead of expecting one person to do everything, we both contribute in our own ways and support each other where we can.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Dasola: I’d give us an 8. We’ve had a rocky start, but I think we’re finding our balance now. We’re learning how to communicate better and support each other. I’m hopeful about where we’re headed.
Tayo: I’d also give us an 8. She’s very hardworking and career oriented. I thank God that I have her in my life.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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