On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages,  to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.

After years of looking for the right relationship, Charity* (28) believed she had unexpectedly found one close to home. But what seemed like a promising chance at love ended in heartbreak. In this story, she opens up about her dating history and how it’s shaped her outlook on relationships.

What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m single and not rushing into anything. I’m open to a relationship, but I’ve accepted that it might not happen anytime soon.

How did you get to that point? Walk me through your dating life.

I entered my first relationship at the end of secondary school. But even before that, I had a childhood crush on David*.

He was a family friend, then my older sister’s boyfriend. Our families attended the same church, so we saw each other often. At the time, he was the coolest guy in church, and I was self-conscious around him. We’d often greet each other, but by the time he started dating my sister in 2013, that phase faded away. 

Not long after, I developed feelings for Teslim*.

Tell me about Teslim.

We were classmates. We became close during our final year of secondary school. Ironically, we didn’t get along at first. I was the class representative, and he was the assistant class representative, so we argued a lot over responsibilities. But as the year went on, we got along, and I realised he was a cool person.

On Valentine’s Day in 2014, he gifted me a teddy bear and wrote me a letter telling me he liked me. I remember feeling so happy and loved. It was sweet, and that was how we started dating.

How did that relationship go?

It was nice at first, but there was always one major issue. Teslim was a religious Muslim, while I come from a strict Christian family. For me, dating had always been tied to the idea of marriage, so our religions kept coming up when we talked about the future.

By my first year in university, I started wondering whether I could compromise on our differences. But when I tried to discuss what our future might look like, he avoided the conversation. Around that time, I also became more religious and started feeling guilty about being in a relationship that conflicted with my beliefs.

The relationship ended when he started pushing for sex. We made out often,  but I wasn’t ready to go all the way. The more he pressured me, the more uncomfortable I felt. It started to seem like he just wanted to use me, so I ended the relationship in my second year of uni.

I see. What happened after you broke up?

I stayed single for years. I didn’t date anyone until after NYSC.

It felt strange because my friends were all in relationships, while I couldn’t meet anyone I connected with.  The people I liked didn’t feel the same way, and if someone liked me, I didn’t feel anything for them.

It became exhausting, and I really wanted a relationship. I think that’s why when David came back into my life, I was open to it.

David, your sister’s ex?

Yes. My sister and David had broken up years earlier; their relationship hadn’t even lasted a year.

This was 2022. I had moved back home and started working. David was still in the city. We attended the same church where he was active in the youth fellowship.

 As I became more involved in church activities, David and I interacted frequently. We started seeing each other more often and catching up after church services. He was always friendly and went out of his way to greet me or check on me.

Over time, we became friends and started chatting regularly. I realised I was developing feelings for him again.

Were you hesitant because of your sister?

Very much. But after a few months of friendship, I asked him what he wanted. He admitted he had feelings for me and wanted us to date. I raised the issue of my sister, but he said he didn’t think it was a problem because their relationship ended years earlier.

I was still nervous about her reaction, so we started dating in 2023 without telling my sister.

Did she eventually find out?

She found out a few months into our relationship. 

I felt guilty and told my mum about the relationship. She didn’t think it was a big deal, especially since my sister was already engaged. When I hesitated to tell her, my mum told her herself.

My sister called me to ask if it was a joke. When she found out it was true, she was upset. I apologised, and she said she understood, but her reaction was cold.

When she came home for Christmas, things were awkward. She barely spoke to me and didn’t confide in me the way she used to. Even when our parents tried to mediate, she avoided the conversation. Things between us were never quite the same.

How were things going with David at the time?

He had good qualities, but his communication was terrible. He was also careless with money, which led to many arguments because I’m more cautious financially.

He ultimately became secretive because he felt I was policing him. He bought a car without telling me, even though his friends knew. But the biggest secret was his plan to leave for Canada. 

He didn’t tell you? Damn.

I found out less than two weeks before he travelled. What hurt the most was that I’d been planning my life around the relationship. I even turned down an opportunity to move to another city because I wanted to stay close to him.

We argued about it, but I accepted it and even escorted him to the airport. After he arrived in Canada, communication became difficult. Sometimes he’d reply with excuses about being busy or his phone dying. I had already started saving and thinking about how I might join him within the next year. Then one day in April 2025, I realised he had blocked me.

That must have been painful.

The hardest part was not getting any explanation. I asked his mum to speak to him, and she told me he asked to be alone for now.

I couldn’t openly grieve because I didn’t want my sister to say she warned me. So I lied to my family, telling them our breakup was mutual.

Did you try dating again afterwards?

Yes. In August, I started talking to Paul*, a church member who had been interested in me for a while. I wasn’t really attracted to him, but I convinced myself to give it a chance.

It didn’t go well. He had very rigid views about gender roles and constantly posted red pill content about how women should behave. It made me uncomfortable.

Ironically, he didn’t even live up to those standards. On our first outing, he said his bank app wasn’t working and asked me to transfer money so he could pay. I never got the money back.

Later, he told me that if we married, I would have to quit my job to raise children. Meanwhile, I was earning more than he was and contributing more financially to the relationship. It felt very hypocritical.

By October, I told him I wasn’t interested and ended things. After all of that, I realised I’d rather be single than force a relationship with someone I don’t even like.

So, what have these experiences taught you about relationships?

One major lesson is not compromising for a relationship that isn’t guaranteed. I did that with David for two years, but he didn’t hesitate to leave when it suited him.

I’ve also learned not to enter into relationships under pressure. I’m still hopeful I’ll meet the right person someday, but I’m no longer rushing it.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

6/10. It’s not terrible, but it’s not great either. For now, I’m focusing on enjoying my life and the company of my friends and family.