Junaid* (44) has been married for 14 years. As a teenager, he wasn’t even sure he would ever have his own family. Watching his father struggle financially shaped how he saw marriage for years. When he eventually became stable and found a partner who aligned with him on money, he believed that was enough. More than a decade later, he’s realised financial stability is only one part of what keeps a marriage steady.

This is his marriage diary.

I didn’t even think I’d have my own family

I think my idea of marriage changed many times throughout my life.

As a teenager, I didn’t even think I was going to have my own family. I saw how expensive it was to raise one. My dad would complain after every salary. The money was never enough, no matter how many side quests he undertook. There was always something lacking.

I watched him become the villain in situations that were really about limited resources. When you don’t have enough to go round, somebody is always unhappy. I just kept wondering if I would ever be financially comfortable enough to raise my own family without that kind of tension.

But when I got into university and started learning how to make money on my own, that mentality started to change. I began telling myself that maybe I could actually afford to raise a family, as long as I didn’t have multiple wives and children as my dad did. I knew I wanted something more controlled, something I could manage.

When I eventually met my girlfriend, who became my wife, we aligned on almost everything, especially financially. She wasn’t overly demanding. She appreciated what I was able to provide and even chipped in when she could. It was hard to find a woman like that. Most of the women I met wanted a man who would handle everything on his own.

After I found her, I believed, to a large extent, that our married life would be settled.

The person you date is not always the person you marry

I’ve been married for about 14 years now, and I can say the surprises don’t end. As long as both of you are alive and changing, there will always be something new.

My biggest surprise has been realising that the person you dated might not be the same person you experience in marriage. You can think you know someone completely. You can think you can predict what they would or wouldn’t do. Then you enter marriage and see different sides of it.

In my case, there are certain things I later discovered about my wife that, if I had known fully before marriage, I might have reconsidered my options. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her or regret marrying her. It just means I would have preferred to see everything clearly and still choose it willingly, instead of being surprised along the way.

Sometimes I wonder if she had always been that way, and I just didn’t notice because I was hyper-focused on the fact that she was financially supportive and willing to do her bit in the house.

I was prepared financially, but not for her phases

Once I became financially stable, I never doubted my readiness for marriage again. I entered it fully aware of the discipline and sacrifice required to raise a family. In that aspect, I was confident.

What I wasn’t prepared for were the different phases my wife went through. I struggled with those phases, and honestly, it’s still something that causes issues till today.

There was the partying phase. Almost every weekend, there was somewhere to go. Aso ebi after aso ebi. Money being spent in ways that made me uncomfortable. Then there was the drinking stage. It started small — one or two bottles to relax — and gradually increased.

There was also a period when she was switching religions. Church today, mosque tomorrow. That one really shocked me.

Sometimes I wondered if she had always been like that, and I just hadn’t noticed because I was too focused on the fact that she was financially supportive and willing to do her bit around the house.

Staying calm through those phases was very challenging. We got into heated arguments. We shouted at each other. At some point, we both even threatened to leave.

I remember complaining to my mum once. Her response hurt me deeply. She asked, “Didn’t you open your eyes before you married? Or did anyone force you?” At the time, I felt dismissed. But later, I understood she was telling me to handle my marriage without involving third parties.

Over the years, I’ve had to learn patience and understanding. It hasn’t been easy. But more than a decade later, we’re still here.

I had to check my own authoritarian nature

As much as I struggled with her changes, I also had to look at myself.

I can be authoritarian. If I give instructions, I expect them to be followed exactly. I believe in order. I believe in structure. I expect respect as the man of the house.

But my wife is strong-willed. She made it clear that I couldn’t just order her around. She wouldn’t do something simply because I said so.

That caused friction, especially in the early years. I realised I couldn’t speak to her the way I speak to our children. She’s a grown woman, a wife and a mother.

I still expect respect, but I’ve had to tone it down. I’ve learned to adjust my tone and be more mindful of how I address her. Barking orders only created resistance. That shift didn’t come naturally, but it reduced a lot of tension between us.

She says I’m not romantic anymore

It’s hard for me to say if marriage has changed me. Old friends say I’m still the same. I’m still not a fan of parties. I’m careful with money. I can be patient but also very stern. But my wife sometimes says I’m no longer romantic.

We don’t go on dates like we used to. I don’t splurge on gifts the way I used to. Instead, I focus on making sure the house is comfortable. We have all the kitchen gadgets and electronic appliances that make life easier. The kids have never owed school fees. We are comfortable.

Providing those things isn’t easy. To me, that is love. Sometimes I feel she should see that acts of service can also be romantic.

Maybe that’s one area where we still don’t fully agree.

I almost left, but I stayed for my children

There was a year when things between us were really bad. I was almost ready to stop trying and just focus on my own life. After all, we already had three children from the marriage. I felt like I had fulfilled my duty.

But my children were the biggest reason I stayed.

My dad tried to be present in our lives, but because he was stretched thin, I never really felt his presence. I know how that affected me. I don’t want my children to grow up thinking their father was absent or didn’t care.

Maybe, when they are older and wiser, they will be able to make certain decisions and understand. But for now, staying is the choice I’ve made.

If I could advise my younger self, I would slow down. I would take more time to see all the versions of the person I wanted to marry. I had a friend who used to “test” his girlfriends with different scenarios, and I thought it was childish and immature.

Now I understand it differently. Testing isn’t just about them. It’s about understanding your own limits;  what you can take and what you cannot.

If I could go back, I would wait a little longer.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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