Marriage is often presented as a woman’s greatest achievement in life. It is regarded as something to pursue as early as possible before time “runs out”. For many girls, this message starts at home, and it is reinforced by society. Getting married young is celebrated and praised as wise and responsible.
But as some women grow older, gain more exposure, and come to better understand themselves, they begin to question that narrative. This growth comes with difficult questions about timing, choice, and parts of their youth they may have skipped in the rush to become wives and mothers.
In this article, Nigerian women look back on their early marriages and speak about the dreams they put on hold, the experiences they missed, and how their perspectives on marriage have changed over time.
1. “He Had the Freedom to Be, and I Did Not” — Funmi*, 52
I got married when I was almost 22, and although it looked like an outstanding achievement then, I sometimes wonder what life would have looked like if I’d ignored my mother’s constant ‘go and get married’ and waited. Maybe I would have gone to university like I’d always wanted to, and perhaps I wouldn’t have sacrificed my youth to be Mr Lagbaja’s wife. I don’t regret my kids, God forbid, but I really do regret getting married at an age where I barely knew who I was.
Before marriage, I lived under my parents’ roof and didn’t have the chance to experience the joy of living alone until I moved into my husband’s home. That is one of my major regrets. Since my birth, I’ve never experienced what it’s like to come to a house that is not filled with people. I don’t know how to be alone with my thoughts because I’ve never had the opportunity.
I didn’t even get a chance to fully understand myself or my body before I said yes to getting married, and for that reason, I resent my husband. Deeply. He is 8 years older than I am, and he got to experience university, nightlife, and living alone before marriage happened. He had the freedom to be, and I did not. He has stories from his youth that do not involve me, but the majority of my youth was spent catering to him alone.
Currently, my daughter is the age I was when I got married. One time, when I joked about her getting married since she was done with university, she said something along the lines of ‘God forbid, I’m just a child’, and when I reminded her that I got married at her age, she stayed quiet and looked at me with this sympathetic expression I would never get out of my head. I know she didn’t want to say what she was thinking, but I immediately knew. She definitely wanted to say something like, ‘You were also a child,’ and while the me from 30 years ago would have disagreed, I understand now. I had no business getting married at that age.
2. “I Was Told That It Was Better to Be Uneducated Than Unmarried” — Aminat*, 48
From a young age, it was drilled into me that marriage was a woman’s most significant milestone. I was told that it was better to be an uneducated woman than an unmarried woman, and I believed it. I was one of the most intelligent girls in my class. Still, I barely paid attention because I didn’t see the point in bothering when my mother was already telling me I was going straight into marriage after secondary school. So, while my class girls were thinking about which universities to attend, I was thinking about how my wedding would look.
I got married at 20, and I was excited because everyone painted marriage as this fun journey in a woman’s life. Then I turned 25 and began to feel a suffocating regret in my chest. At that age, my husband had already opened a provision shop for me so I wouldn’t get bored with our two kids while he was at his big corporate job, and maybe a normal woman would have been happy about that, but I hated it. At that age, I began to miss school a lot. I wanted to go back to school and learn. I wanted to have a corporate job like my husband. I didn’t want to sell provisions. My husband didn’t even ask me if I wanted to sell provisions.
When I suggested going back to school, my husband laughed and asked who would take care of the children while I was in classes, then told me never to bring it up again. Maybe I could have disobeyed and applied to university anyway, but at that time, my husband was the sole breadwinner, and I knew my mother wouldn’t take my side. Unfortunately, I had to squash the thought of university, and I began to hate myself for deciding to get married before applying.
Sometimes, when I see my daughter speaking flawless English, I feel envious. I am incredibly proud of her for the places she has reached in life, no doubt about that, but I wonder if I would have reached those places if I’d stood up to my mother and just told her I didn’t want to get married early.
3. “In all the years we’ve been married, I can count how often I’ve enjoyed sex with him”— Aisha*, 35
My husband and I met when I was 22, and he was 35. I was in my last year of university, and he was already working when our friends introduced us. Less than a year later, we got married because our families didn’t want to waste time. My girlfriends were unsure about me getting married so early because, in their words, I was sometimes so “inexperienced” and young, but I did my best to assure them that it would be okay.
It wasn’t until a year in that my husband and I decided to talk about the lives we had both lived before meeting. It wasn’t necessarily a conversation we’d explored deeply before, so I was very curious to know about the man he had been before we got married. I ended up regretting it.
Before meeting my husband, I mostly spent time with my girlfriends because they were the only ones I surrounded myself with at university. From a young age, my mum never failed to tell me how wonderful it was to marry as a virgin. She spoke a lot about the pride that comes from your husband knowing he married a virgin. So, whenever a coursemate or any man at all tried to ask me out, I would reject them because it didn’t seem like they would wait until marriage before asking for sex.
My girlfriends called me silly for wanting to “keep” my virginity before marriage, but I ignored them, and maybe I shouldn’t have. During that conversation with my husband that night, I found out that he’d explored sex with many women before meeting me. As he kept talking about his experiences with these women, I felt my heart breaking. Why did he get to explore, and I couldn’t?
My husband is the only man my body knows, but I’m not the only one my husband’s body knows, and that realisation made me angry. I wish that what I felt that day had been jealousy toward the women he slept with, but no. I was envious of the fact that he had the chance to live his life and discover what he liked and didn’t like in sex, while I had to wait to get married because my mother said being a virgin was a good thing.
I love my husband, I really do, but in all of the years we’ve been married, I can count on one hand the times I’ve genuinely enjoyed sex with him. While I don’t think it’s his fault, I sometimes regret marrying so early. I feel that if I’d freed myself from my mum’s beliefs about virginity, I would have actually learned how my body works, and maybe instead of just letting my husband do anything while having sex, I could guide him and let him know what I like.
4. “When He and His Family Called Me Useless for Not Being Able to Get Pregnant on Time, I Took it.” — Aramide*, 50
Marrying at 22 didn’t seem like a bad thing until my ex-husband started to expose his verbally abusive side a year into our marriage. He is 10 years older than me, and before the marriage, it made me wary, but I didn’t say anything because I loved him a lot. He expressed his love through gifts and love letters, and I deemed him a good man for it. I was really a clueless girl then. When we were dating, I didn’t stop to ask myself why he wasn’t courting women his age. Maybe he knew they would see through his faux-kindness from the very beginning.
At ages 22 to 29, I was a woman without a backbone. I was raised in a religious household where I was told to respect everything my husband and his family said to me, so when he started stabbing me with his words, I could do nothing but take it. When he and his family called me useless for not being able to get pregnant on time, I took it. When he mocked my lack of tertiary education and compared me to his friends’ ambitious wives, I accepted it. When his sisters took it upon themselves to harass me in my matrimonial home, I didn’t say anything and cried in the comfort of the bathroom afterwards. I went from parents who were unafraid to give their children words of assurance every day to a husband who derived joy from insulting me in front of everyone. Three years into our marriage, I began to ask myself what the point of getting married was.
It wasn’t until I turned 30 and started interacting with more older women that I began to see how much I’d allowed myself to be a ragdoll of sorts. My ex-husband studied me and knew that marrying a naive woman like me meant that he could get away with calling me useless every day. An older woman who knew her worth would rather die than allow herself to stay in that marriage, but a submissive woman like me wouldn’t know any better.
Till today, I mourn the young me who allowed herself to be walked over, and every day, I plead with my daughters not to even consider marriage until they are in their late 20s and feel like they are mentally strong. I don’t want them to repeat the same mistake I made.
5. “I Wish I Had Birthed My Kids at a Later Time in My Life” — Ene*, 45
When I was young and had access to many books from all over the world, I told everyone that when I grew up, I would visit all the countries I had read about. This was a lifelong dream of mine, and I thought I was going to achieve it, but then I got married at 24.
When I got married, I assured myself that I had a lot of time. Getting married wasn’t the end of the world, I said, but no one warned me it would be hard to juggle a career, marriage, and kids. My husband barely contributed to caring for the kids, and he didn’t believe in housemaids, so the job was up to me. I had to do this and also climb the corporate ladder in my field. It was very gruelling, and as the years went by, my dreams of travelling solo went down the drain. I had to sacrifice it for marriage and motherhood.
While I don’t regret my children in any way, I wish I had birthed them at a later time in my life. Maybe when I was 32 or 35. I shouldn’t have been getting pregnant at ages 25 and 29. I could have used those ages to explore the countries I wanted to. I could have rejected my husband’s proposal. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be pressured into getting married early.
Sometimes, when it’s night, and I’m left with my thoughts, I wonder about the places and people I’ve missed out on because I got married early, and I regret it so much.
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