Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
This week, Aisha* tells us how she went from being the sister who funded her brother’s military training to the woman he beat “blue-black” on New Year’s Day.
What was it like growing up in your house?
Both men and women did chores when we were growing up, but it changed as we got older. The expectations changed, and the men chose how they wanted to become. I guess they learnt it from society.
Things were not physical at first. What I think really caused the friction between my family and me was the fact that I do not think my older siblings have any right over me. Not my oldest brother or my sister after him. I am the third, and then there’s the last boy. I have always been a person who clamours for an egalitarian environment. They want a hierarchical environment with an egalitarian relationship.
Hm. When did things start getting physical?
I can’t remember the first time, really. The earliest I can remember was between my elder brother and elder sister. My mum ignored them, so my dad could deal with it when he got back, but all they did was tell him what he did wasn’t good. No restitution. No, actually apologising for what he did. You know that brings a sense of responsibility and accountability, especially for children in the developmental stage.
Did the violence escalate as you all got older?
Yes. My elder brother has physically assaulted me and my other siblings, time without number. Mine is the highest because I don’t keep shit when things aren’t right, and it bruises his ego. The only way he knows best to exercise the authority he thinks he’s entitled to is to be aggressive.
Whenever these things happen, my parents always say I should let peace reign, since we all know him for who he is. And I tell you, it never got better as we grew older into adults.
Can you tell me about one of those times?
I was home for the holidays, and a day before I would be returning to school, my elder brother asked me to borrow him money, but he never pays me back. So I told him I wasn’t going to lend him because he doesn’t even know how to give his younger ones; he’s always collecting, and he never pays back when he borrows. I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know he kept this in his heart.
In the morning, when I was returning to school, I wanted to boil water in the room, and we’ve always done that before, but that morning, my elder brother had an issue with my boiling water. When I insisted I wasn’t going to move to the kitchen, he started beating me.
I was returning to school, and my elder brother didn’t have one naira to give, nor moral support, but a beating because I wouldn’t lend him money that he wouldn’t pay back.
What did you do?
I had to report him to the police station because he threatened to keep beating me and wouldn’t stop. He even said that anywhere he sees me, he’ll beat me. He wasn’t even listening to our parents. My elder brother is the person who no one is ever enough to speak to. I had to go and sleep at a friend’s house, and my friend’s dad helped me get the DPO’s contact to make it easier. All of this happened when I was an undergraduate, 19 years old.
I’m sorry. What was your relationship with your younger brother like?
My role didn’t change even when I started supporting him. I wasn’t even a banker then; I became a banker very recently. While he was in training to become a member of the military, I sent this boy money and even significantly contributed to his educational pursuits.
But my younger brother believes that all there is to him is to earn enough money. I guess it’s a result of taking financial responsibility for yourself too early. He doesn’t even regard the support I gave him in the past, before he started earning. He’s too proud to even ask for my support now, maybe because I’m a woman, I think. So I just let him be.
Did things change when he joined the military?
Him joining the military made his pride very obvious, and it’s also hindering his growth because he’s too proud to gather all the support he can get from the family to accelerate his career. He thinks his military position has made him the firstborn, and he’s above everyone in the family.
In heated arguments, he had always said the day he was going to change it for me was coming.
What happened on the first day of this year?
It was quite good for me, and I was happy. I just wanted us to have a family meal together. I decided to cook jollof rice and chicken. I no know who send me message oo.
We usually cooked separately because I decided not to cook for anyone again. Each time I did, the dishes would be piled up, and if I went to work, I wouldn’t get to meet food at home like they did when I was home.
My brother had just returned from a night shift. I told him we needed water to cook. He said he couldn’t tell me “no” when I asked him to get water because I would “crash out” (start complaining), but he could raise his hand. I’m still trying to add the puzzle together to make this make sense, sha.
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What happened when he came back?
When he got to the water seller, the man rudely told him there was no water. So my brother came back to the house, insulting me. I told him to stop all that nonsense, or I’ll insult him back, but he wouldn’t stop saying all sorts of things. From me being useless to words I will never utter again. The moment I called him stupid for insulting me, he dared me to say it again, which I did. And na there wahala start.
How bad did it get?
He beat me blue-black. I had scratches on my back, muscle pain in my leg, swollen face, swollen lips and an eye injury that I had to go treat at the hospital. He’s a military personnel who said he was going to kill me, that I’m not even on the same level as his juniors at work.
Thank God for a neighbour and my cousin who separated us. I was only able to bite him once, and thank God it was a successful bite…lol
What did your family say after?
My parents and older siblings called him to order, and he left the house after the drama. Getting back that night, he apologised and, since then, has been overly careful in the house, doing all the chores he would have waited for me to tell him to do. But I wasn’t saying anything to him. I just respond to his greetings and give one-word answers when he tries to strike up a conversation because I can’t seem to wrap my head around all that happened.
Did you consider reporting him to his work?
I didn’t report him at his work because, according to my mum, if he gets dismissed, he’ll come in the future to say I was the one who destroyed his career.
How did that make you feel?
I feel humiliated and disrespected because the only reason I believe he could raise his hand against me was that he feels superior to me because I’m a woman. I’m a degree holder and a banker. I sent this boy money when he was in training. This boy feels superior because he has manhood and is a member of the military. If that’s not misogyny, what else could it be? If it’s not femicide, what is it?
You used the word “femicide” to describe this. Why?
Because if there had been no intervention on 1/1/2026, I would have lost my life. He was furiously ready to unalive me. He said he didn’t care if I reported him at work. He was so angry that I wondered if it was more than what I had asked him to do, most likely pent-up anger he chose not to discuss.
How femicide happens, no dey pass like this.
How do your parents usually handle these situations?
They make decisions based on their level of knowledge and exposure, and no parent wants their children to be on bad terms with others. I think that’s somewhat selfish and unjust. I even related it to my dad by likening the situation to the Bible, how David would not address what Amnon did to Tamar.
In their defence, they were never in support of the assaults, but there was no restitution.
What about your siblings? How do they see all of this?
Even my siblings think I’m overreacting, and it’s just “normal” for siblings to have altercations. How can you say these things are normal? My elder brother even hid his number to call me recently. He strongly believes I’m overreacting. He even mentioned that “assault is not only physical”, with one funny, sorry, but he also said while laughing, before I just decided to hang up.
More reasons why I want to share this story are that GBV and physical assault have been normalised in African homes.
You mentioned your elder sister. How does she fit into all of this?
My elder sister and I always have issues because of house chores. I personally believe that being older or being a man shouldn’t exempt you from looking after yourself, but my sister is way more traditional. She would prefer that I, who just got back from work, do a chore than ask my elder brother, who has been home all day, to join her to do it. That’s her perspective, which is why I’ve had friction with my sister.
Our relationship is not great. I was trying to make it better now that she’s married, but this whole issue just made me put everybody out of my life.
What have you decided to do?
I’ve finally decided to move out of the house and dropped an epistle in my siblings’ DMs before blocking them. I believe they all think they’re superior to me, one way or the other, for them to keep raising their hands against me. I have never done the same to any of them.
I’ll also tell my parents about their parts in all of these, but I won’t block them, so they won’t get high blood pressure.
What did you say in the epistle?
I just told them how I feel hurt by what they’ve done and how I honestly wish them well. I might have definitely hurt them in a different way, but this assault is not something I would ever do to them. I had to leave, and I have.
Where are you now?
I don’t have my own space yet because I cannot afford it, so I’m paying to squat with someone. I’m yet to get my own apartment, and it’ll take me some time to really feel like anywhere is home. I honestly just want my space, and I can get all the safety I want from my relationship with God and the few friends I have.
How has this affected your relationship with your parents?
I don’t want them to ever feel bad because of me, and that’s why I’ve always forgiven and just moved on like nothing happened. But after deciding to leave, I don’t really feel like reaching out to them. Even when I miss their call, I don’t feel that urge to want to talk to them like before. There’s just that detachment.
What do you want people to take away from your story?
As much as I feel like family is very important and you have to hold your family in high standards, staying away from them for the sake of your peace, mental health, and growth is equally important.
When you can afford to leave, please do. Do all you can to get that economic power that you need to survive, build those friendships and walking away from an abusive family does not make you a bad person. You can always pray for them as well. Take your time to heal, and just live a happy life.
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