Akpan*, 37, is a private cab driver who says his last relationship made him lose interest in dating.

In this story, he talks about dating a woman who expected enjoyment without restraint, the incident that made him realise he could not rely on his partner, and how he ended things after realising that sex was the only thing she consistently brought into the relationship.

This is Akpan’s story, As Told to Adeyinka

Right now, I can’T consider any serious relationship. It’s not because I don’t believe in love, and it’s not because I don’t want companionship. It’s because of what I went through with my ex. That experience showed me a side of relationships I wasn’t prepared for, and I’m still dealing with it.

When I started dating Chigozirim two years ago, everything felt normal and even sweet. She acted like she cared about me. She doted over me so much that if a mosquito landed on my skin, she’d brush it away immediately and ask if I was okay. It made me feel seen. She wasn’t raised in Lagos. She grew up in the village and only moved to Lagos after getting a job on Victoria Island. At the time, that difference didn’t bother me. I believed that love was about understanding each other and growing together.

As the relationship went on, I began to notice that the effort was almost one-sided. She was all about the good life and enjoyment, but whenever something came up that required the smallest sacrifice of her time or effort, she took off. Anytime I told her I was busy with work, she would get irritated. If I said I couldn’t see her that day, she would insist that we meet anyway, just to go out and have fun. She always wanted us to enjoy ourselves, but she never wanted to talk about building anything beyond that.

Sex was never an issue; she never denied me sex. That part of the relationship worked smoothly. It was the easiest thing she parted with. But whenever the conversation shifted to plans, discipline, or how to think about our future, her countenance changed. I would tell her we needed to slow down spending so we could save towards something meaningful. I would suggest that she delay changing her phone or that we skip big celebrations for a year, so we can focus on our goals. But Chigozirim would always respond as if I wanted to deprive her of happiness.

She would ask if it meant she should stop wearing wigs, stop buying clothes, stop celebrating her birthday, or stop expecting flowers and gifts. I tried to explain that I wasn’t against having a good time. I just believed that there was a time to enjoy and a time to build. I showed her my bank statements so she would understand that I had money, but I also had plans. I asked if she would stay with me if things didn’t work out, and I ended up struggling, and she avoided answering directly.

What hurt me the most was that I didn’t feel like we were a team. Everything was about what I could provide in the moment. There was no conversation about how we could support each other in the long term. She expected me to show her off, spend money on her in front of friends, and constantly prove my affection through gifts and outings. There was no room for restraint or understanding.

One particular incident changed how I saw everything. 

I was with some of my friends when area boys surrounded my car. Anyone who drives regularly in Lagos knows how dangerous that situation can become. They demanded money aggressively, and I knew that if I didn’t settle them quickly, things could escalate. I panicked and called her. My friends were right there listening.

I begged her to help me, even if she had to borrow the money. I told her I would pay her back the same night. She said she didn’t have money. This was someone who had been working for a long time. I asked her again because the situation was serious. She still refused. There was no advice, no show of concern, and no attempt to help in any way.

That moment stayed with me. I couldn’t wrap my head around the lack of empathy. I felt exposed and embarrassed in front of my friends. I felt like I was alone in something that could have gone very wrong. From that day, I started to realise that I couldn’t depend on her when things got difficult.

I believe relationships should involve shared responsibility. It doesn’t always have to be equal, but there should be effort from both sides. Even if someone can’t help financially, they can still offer advice, encouragement, or emotional support. I didn’t feel any of that from her. All she brought consistently was sex, and while intimacy is important, it can’t be the only thing holding a relationship together.

What I see a lot now is the idea that sex alone is a huge contribution. It’s treated as if giving sex is the same as giving real support. As if opening your legs means you have already done your part. That mindset doesn’t sit well with me. I believe that relationships should involve growth, understanding, and sacrifice from both sides.

Ending the relationship wasn’t easy. I didn’t walk away lightly because, as much as I didn’t like that I mostly got sex, that need was fully catered for. There were feelings involved, and I questioned myself at times. But I knew I couldn’t continue pretending that everything was fine. I realised that whenever things became serious, she protected herself and left me to face problems alone.

Since we broke up, I’ve noticed a pattern in my interactions with other women. When I talk about my dreams and the discipline required to achieve them, many see it as a problem. They act as if planning and restraint are signs of selfishness. Later, when a man starts doing well, those same people are quick to celebrate and claim they believed in him all along.

For now, I’m choosing myself. I’m focusing on my life, my plans, and my peace of mind. I’m not closed to love forever, but I know I can’t go back into a situation where I feel unsupported and alone. 

I want a partner who understands that enjoyment is important, but building a future together matters even more.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.