Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

For four years, Tolu* (30) and Joshua* (30) built what felt like a close online friendship. Tolu believed their bond, strengthened by constant calls and shared interests,  would last long beyond the screens that brought them together. However, a disturbing conversation with a friend in 2024 changed everything.

In this Sunken Ships, Tolu shares how their friendship began, the discovery that shattered her trust, and how the experience changed the way she approaches online connections forever.

At what point did you realise your friendship with Joshua* needed to end?

In 2024, I was speaking to a close friend who was complaining to me about an online stalker who wouldn’t leave her alone. The more she spoke about this person, the more I began to realise he bore a disturbing similarity to my newest friend, Joshua.

Ah! Let’s start at the beginning. How did you and Joshua become friends?

We met and became friends online. In 2020, during the lockdown, I spent a lot of time on social media making posts about the shows I watched and the books I read. He started leaving comments under some of them, and soon we started texting and calling each other often. 

How would you describe your friendship with him?

We were very close. He seemed like a steadfast friend. We had similar interests and were both hard workers. He lived in a different state, but that didn’t stop us from calling each other at least twice a week to chat about life and encourage each other.

Did you ever meet him in person?

Yes. He visited Lagos for a few days in 2023. We had lunch together, and I even introduced him to a few of my friends.

Did that trip have an effect on your friendship?

It had a positive impact on our friendship. He seemed like a really cool person, and I liked that about him. After that visit, I began introducing my friends to him on social media so we could have more mutual friends. I also encouraged him to move to Lagos so we could all be friends in person.

What did your friends think about him?

The ones I introduced to him liked him immediately. He was very charming and fit into our group like he was always one of us. It was refreshing at the time.

What changed?

I found out something about him that destroyed our friendship. In 2024, I was on the phone with a friend who lived in Ife*. She was complaining to me about her struggles dealing with an online stalker who had resurfaced.

Whoa, that’s awful. What did she say?

She told me how they met online and became friends. He tried to make their relationship a romantic one, but she wasn’t interested. Instead of backing off, he started harassing her with calls, leaving hundreds of messages on her phone and in her DMs. She had to block him and create new social media accounts to get some peace of mind. Then I noticed something strange.

What did you notice?

As she described the stalker, he began to bear disturbing similarities to my new friend, Joshua. They lived in the same area of Abuja*, went to the same university, and were the same age, but it wasn’t until she mentioned a unique facial birthmark that only Joshua had that the alarm bells started ringing in my head. 

Did you ask her about it?

Immediately. I sent her a photo of Joshua and asked if he looked familiar. To my horror, she identified him as Paul*, the online stalker who wouldn’t leave her alone. I felt a chill all over my body when she said that.

How did you react to this revelation?

I felt hurt, dirty and stupid. I had let this individual worm his way into my life. I had even introduced people I care about to him, and he used this information to find and harass my friend. I apologised to her for opening her up to his nonsense, and thankfully, our friendship didn’t suffer because of it.

Did you confront Joshua?

No, I became scared of him. Instead, I blocked him everywhere and told the people I introduced to him to do the same. My suspicion is that he knew my friend and me were close, so he used me as a means to find her information and continue harassing her. I was determined to cut him off as soon as I found out.

Did he ever try to reach out to you?

Yes, he sent me an email asking what he had done wrong and why I had blocked him. I told him I found out he’d been stalking my friend and warned him to stay away from me and everyone else in my life. He replied, promising that he would stop calling my friend and that he had changed. I didn’t acknowledge his explanations. I told him to never reach out to me again and blocked him there, too. That was the last I heard of him.

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That’s so wild. Has this experience affected the way you view friendships or make friends?

Absolutely. I’m very wary of people I don’t know online. In fact, I haven’t made an online friend since I found out about Joshua. You never know what people are like in real life, and that’s scary. Now, if we don’t share at least one mutual offline friend who can vouch for their character, I’m not interested in any kind of friendship.

Would you be open to any kind of relationship with Joshua if he reached out to you again?

Never. If he reaches out to my friend or me, I’ll call the police. I’m genuinely afraid of him now. I don’t want to have anything to do with him ever again.

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