Ezinne* (35) never imagined marriage as something she would ease into. Growing up around women who constantly had to shrink themselves in their marriages made her wary of what it could demand from her. Even while dating the man she eventually married, she stayed alert and watched out for signs that her freedom would slip away.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about entering marriage with her guard up, realising her fears didn’t match her reality, and learning to cope with a partner who puts everybody first.
This is a look into Ezinne’s marriage diary.
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I was scared marriage would take my freedom
Before I got married, I was honestly afraid of marriage. I’ve always loved my freedom and my own company. Even when I was dating, I still moved how I wanted. I travelled when I felt like it, made my own decisions, and didn’t feel like any man could tell me to sit down somewhere if I didn’t want to. Deep down, I knew marriage wouldn’t be that simple. Even if you’re lucky enough to marry a level-headed man, there’s still family, society and expectations that eventually creep in.
When I met my husband, I decided to be as rebellious as possible. I needed him to see all the extreme versions of me upfront so nobody would enter marriage and start saying I’ve changed or I’m no longer obedient. I didn’t want any surprises. Still, despite all that confidence, there was always a small voice in my head telling me marriage would eventually demand more of me.
Watching the women around me shaped my fears
A lot of my fear came from what I saw growing up. My mum and her sisters didn’t have the best marriages, even if they’ll never openly admit it. My dad was very traditional and extremely hard on us. He expected full submission from my mum, and my aunties married men similar to him. Watching all those women live in the shadows of their husbands did something to me.
My mum was always worried about me. She genuinely believed I wouldn’t last in marriage because I was too rebellious. There was even a time when my husband and I were still dating, and I travelled to Ibadan without telling him. He tried to cause a scene, and I simply stopped answering his calls and ignored his messages for four days. By the fifth day, he showed up at our house and involved my mum. After he left, my mum shouted that men are now scarce, and I wasn’t cherishing the one who cared so much about my well-being. That whole incident just reinforced how differently I viewed relationships compared to the women around me.
Marriage turned out to be nothing like I imagined
If there’s one big surprise marriage has given me, it’s that it’s not as bad as I imagined. I was very intentional about who I married. I didn’t want a man who would clip my wings or start making unreasonable demands once we were married. Still, in the first few months, when my husband remained exactly the same person he was while dating, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was mentally preparing for a fight that never came.
Almost two years later, I can confidently say I overthought everything. We’ve built a life based on mutual respect and care. My husband doesn’t make me feel small or secondary. He involves me in decisions, both big and small, and I don’t feel like I need permission to be myself or do the things that make me happy. Instead of feeling trapped, I’ve found partnership.
I had to unlearn seeing my husband as a potential enemy
Most of my moments of doubt came before marriage and in the early months after. Before we got married, I worried constantly about submission and the idea of becoming a dutiful wife. Honestly, if it were entirely up to me, we might still be dating today. My husband was the one who pushed for marriage.
Even after we got married, I still believed he would eventually show his “true colours,” and I needed to be ready for that version of him. At some point, I had to sit myself down and ask hard questions. These were harmful thoughts I was projecting onto a man who had only shown me kindness. I started wondering what kind of wife I wanted to be. If my husband knew I saw him as a potential enemy, how would that make him feel? I had to consciously let go of those fears and live in the present, instead of punishing my marriage for experiences that weren’t even mine.
Loving a man who loves everyone is harder than I expected
One of our biggest issues is that my husband is too nice, sometimes to a fault. Even while we were dating, he was that friend who always showed up, the one people ran to when they needed help. I found it attractive because I believed that if he could do so much for outsiders, he’d do even more for me.
The reality is that sometimes he gives outsiders ten steps and gives me five. This has caused countless arguments. I constantly have to remind him that generosity loses its meaning when your immediate family doesn’t come first. Last Christmas was a perfect example. He was expecting a bonus from work, but it didn’t come. In previous years, that bonus was used to gift extended family. Since it didn’t come this time, I asked him to prioritise the most important people. He refused. He kept worrying about what people would say and how it would look, even if it meant dipping into money we’d already budgeted for ourselves.
We still haven’t fully resolved this issue. He apologises, agrees with me, and then does the same thing again. It frustrates me because he makes it seem like I’m against helping people, when all I’m asking for is balance.
Marriage has softened me in ways I didn’t expect
Marriage has definitely changed me, especially in how patient I’ve become. I used to be impulsive and quick to act on my emotions. Now, I pause more. I ask questions. Sometimes, I let things go. I don’t even know if all the credit goes to marriage or simply growing older. I’m not the same person I was five years ago, and that’s part of life.
My husband is very patient, and I can’t deny that some of that has rubbed off on me. I’ve slowed down, and while I still value my independence, I’ve learned that not every battle needs to be fought immediately.
If I could give my unmarried self one piece of advice, it would be this: don’t let other people’s marriages shape your expectations. Learn from others, yes, but don’t enter marriage armed with fear that isn’t yours. I was lucky enough to recognise the baggage I carried from watching my mum and aunties and consciously set it aside. Not everyone gets that chance.
When you find a good partner, enjoy them and write your own story. Sometimes, the damage we do in marriage isn’t because something is wrong, but because we’re constantly fighting ghosts from other people’s lives.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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