Our #ShiftTheStory campaign has taken on several mediums in educating the girls on Sexual and Reproductive Health (SRH) and Women’s Economic Power. If you’ve been following us, then you’ve probably watched all five episodes of the HER docuseries and the three short films in our Life Series Production. We’ve also been having conversations on X Spaces on our official account (Zikoko_Mag).
Now, we’re speaking to the younger women about the core themes of the campaign- Sexual and Reproductive Health (SRH) and Women’s Economic Power (WEP).
In this article, we’re tackling the feelings of guilt attached to sexual activity, what causes it and how they get back from it.
1. The only time I’ve felt guilty about sex was when I cheated in a relationship.’- Toyosi*, 18
I don’t feel guilty or ashamed after sexual activity. At least not for the the things I’ve tried anyway. Even when I have unsafe sex, I don’t feel any of those. The only time I’ve felt guilty about sex was when I cheated in a relationship. I felt bad about it because my partner was really good to me. So being around him, knowing I had done that, made me feel bad. It’s crazy because I was feeling guilty even before the activity. But the only other thing I would say re: feeling guilty about sex is that being with one person helps. That sense of exclusivity, so I know I’m having sex with just that person.
2. ‘I still have sex even when I anticipate the guilt. It’s not that deep’- Vanessa*, 18
Every time I’m sexually involved with a man, I feel guilty. The guilt is more about engaging in sexual activity with them than because the sex is unsafe. The amount of guilt I feel depends on the person I’m with. A lot of the guilt stems from my worry about being misunderstood. My friends might hear about it and think I’m a bad person. But even when I anticipate the guilt, I still go on with the act, because honestly, it’s never that deep. When I say I feel guilty, it’s mostly that I feel bad about myself, like I literally feel like a slut. I say it as a joke all the time, but it affects my self-esteem. Purity culture is deeply ingrained in my subconscious, even though I am a non-conformist. I sometimes scold myself for doing these things.
3. ‘The guilt I feel is never about the act or whether it’s unsafe’- Oluchi*, 18
The only time I’ve felt guilty about hooking up with someone was when I hooked up with a guy who was already in a relationship. Probably also when I’m messing around with people I know I shouldn’t be with, like my exes and the likes. The guilt I feel also comes before the act, but that’s about it. It’s never really about the act of sex or that it’s unsafe. It’s mostly just the person. I’m not interested in men for the foreseeable future anyway.
4. ‘I feel guilty about not taking my parents’ warnings seriously’- Hafsat*, 18
I always feel guilty after giving men head, and when I practice unsafe sex. It’s not even getting pregnant that scares me because I can always find my way around it. The guilt is because I feel bad about succumbing to it. Growing up, my parents warned me about it, so I feel bad about not taking their warnings seriously. The guilt happens before, during and after. If there’s anyone I blame for the guilt, honestly, it’s society in general.
5. ‘I never have unprotected sex, so there’s no way I’m feeling guilty about it’- Tanya*, 19
Sexual activity only makes me feel guilty when I don’t fully consent or if it’s something that I was pressured into. I never have unprotected sex, so there’s no way I’m feeling guilty about it. But I would feel guilty constantly being sexually involved with people with whom I am not in a committed relationship. Most times, I like to limit my sexual activity to be with people I’m in a relationship with. My reason is just how our culture makes it seem. We’re very monogamous, and there’s the whole thing about purity culture attached to it as well. I moved to South Africa, and the cultural difference is clear because they are very sexually expressive. Engaging in all of that and being in that space increased my guilt. Whenever I feel guilty, I just wait it out.
