By the time Taofeek* (33) got married, he and his wife had already spent nine years learning each other’s habits, flaws and moods. They had lived together, argued, made up and built a life long before they walked down the aisle.

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he shares why marriage hasn’t felt different from dating, how the pressure of wedding planning shook him, and what it takes to keep love fresh when you’ve already seen it all.

This is a look into Taofeek’s marriage diary.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.

I never really pictured what my own marriage would look like

Before I got married, I didn’t spend much time imagining what my own marriage would look like. I knew the general idea of marriage: the man provides and protects, the woman supports, you live together, have children and build a home. That was it. I didn’t sit down and picture what my own house would look like or what day-to-day married life would feel like.

A lot of that came from how I was raised. I grew up with a single mum. It was just my mum, my sister and me. I never really saw a man and woman living together as husband and wife, so I didn’t have a model to draw from. I didn’t grow up watching marital dynamics play out in front of me, whether good or bad.

I think I started getting a bit more insight into relationships when I began dating, but even then, I knew dating and marriage were not the same thing. You can be together for years, even live together, and it still isn’t marriage. So I just had this mindset that when I got there, I’d figure it out.

That’s also how I think about parenthood now. We don’t have a child yet, and I’m not stressing myself about what kind of parent I’ll be. I believe some things are better understood when you’re actually in them.

The biggest surprise is that marriage doesn’t feel different at all

If I’m being honest, the biggest surprise for me is that marriage doesn’t feel different from dating.

I met my wife in 200 level, and we started dating around 2015. We were together for almost nine years before we got married in 2024. In that time, we had done everything people say prepares you for marriage. We knew each other deeply; we’d fought, made up, met each other’s families, and even lived together.

We moved in together in 2020, and to this day, we still live in the same house. So when we eventually got married, nothing really changed. It didn’t feel new or strange. It just felt like we made things official.

Even our wedding night showed how familiar we already were with each other. After the whole wedding stress, we got home and slept. There was no big wedding night sex that people always talk about. We’d already been intimate days before, and we didn’t have sex again until two or three days later, when we were both rested.

We’ve been married for a year and four months now, and sometimes I still have to consciously remind myself that we’re husband and wife, not boyfriend and girlfriend. I still love her just as deeply as I did before. Nothing suddenly switched.

Maybe things will change when children come. That’s what people tell me, that marriage really starts when kids enter the picture. For now, though, it still feels like we’re just continuing what we already started years ago.

Wedding preparations almost made me question everything

If there was any moment that made me question whether I was truly ready for marriage, it was during wedding preparations.

My wife and I wanted something intimate but classy. My family was fine with it, and her family eventually agreed too. But when the engagement list came, I was shocked. The items ran into millions, and that was just one part of the expenses.

I had to sit down with her family to reduce some of the items. Then came the hall, food, clothes, photography, and other things. Suddenly, the money I thought I’d saved well started looking very small.

When financial support from some family members didn’t come the way I expected, I really started asking myself if a party was even necessary. I remember asking my wife if we could just do a court wedding and engagement. She wasn’t having it at all.

I had several sleepless nights during that period. I kept asking myself what I’d gotten into. In the end, help came from different places, and everything worked out. But that period really tested me mentally.

Long relationships can make you lazy if you’re not careful

One thing no one warned me about marriage is how intentional you have to be about keeping things fresh, especially when you’ve been together for a long time.

When you’ve dated someone for almost eight years, it’s very easy to feel like you already know everything there is to know about them. That kind of familiarity can lead to taking each other for granted. There’s a real danger of things becoming boring or stale.

I won’t say I’ve figured it all out. My wife and I know each other very well. We know what annoys us and what makes us happy, and that’s part of why we’ve lasted this long. But that same “see finish” can also be dangerous.

Recently, I’ve been trying to introduce date nights. Just doing something intentional that takes us out of our normal routine and helps us experience each other in a different way. I don’t think there’s a manual for this. Nobody teaches you how to keep loving your partner or how to keep the spark alive. You have to figure it out yourself.

Knowing when and how to talk has saved us many fights

People might not believe this, but we barely fight. I’m not saying we never disagree, but it hardly ever escalates into anything serious.

Our last major argument was during the wedding, and even that wasn’t directly between us. It involved a third party, and I didn’t handle the situation as calmly as I should have.

Being together for almost ten years has taught us how to communicate in a way that doesn’t hurt each other. I know, for example, that my wife doesn’t like sudden serious conversations. She’ll listen, but you won’t get the best response. If I let her know hours or even a day before that we need to talk, she’s mentally prepared.

In my own case, she knows I don’t like starting my day with long discussions. The best time to talk to me is after a good meal or after night prayers, when I’m calmer. Understanding these little things about each other has helped us avoid unnecessary fights.

Marriage hasn’t changed me, and I’m grateful for that

I don’t think marriage has changed who I am, and I don’t see that as a bad thing.

I was a good partner to my wife while we were dating, and I’m still the same person now that we’re married. I haven’t had to abandon my interests, cut off friends or limit myself. And from what I can tell, my wife hasn’t had to either.

I remember she once asked me, a week after we got married, if she should start serving me food or calling me “sir”. I laughed because it sounded ridiculous to me. We didn’t do those things before, so why start now?

She still visits her parents when she wants, and I still hang out with my friends. I think we’ve managed not to lose ourselves. If anything, the good parts of who we were have just become stronger.

If I could advise my unmarried self, it would simply be to make more money and never stop earning. Money was the biggest thing that shook me during wedding preparations. Even when you plan well, it can still feel like it’s not enough.

And no, I don’t think love alone can sustain a marriage. Love is important, but it’s just one piece. Understanding, patience, kindness, selflessness and effort matter just as much, if not more.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.