The world is advancing, and Nigerian women are catching up. For a long time and even today, marriage has been a marker for success amongst Nigerian women and the highest tool for validation. But the girls are beginning to see things differently and may now just be making better decisions. Everyone is prioritising financial freedom, bodily autonomy and peace of mind.
In this article, seven Nigerian women tell us why they’re no longer prioritising marriage.
1. ‘I’m not married because I’m not ready to force being attracted and committed to someone’- Lydia*, 25
There are certain benefits for women in marriage. There is the comfort and companionship that the right union provides, as well as the guarantee of security. However, marriage is not a priority for me now because it’s not something that is within my control. I’m trying to grow in other areas of my life, career, spirituality, finances, and even mental well-being. I think the mindset shift needs to be limiting the benefits and perceived success of marriage to women. It should be considered an achievement for both men and women.
We also need to encourage more women to be okay with the concept of choice and live by it. I think women also need to understand that marriage wouldn’t complete or improve every aspect of their lives. The pressure to settle down isn’t much now. Just subtle conversations about relationships and partners.
2. ‘I might desire partnership, but when you word it as an achievement? Tueh’- Lola*, 32
I’m currently thirty-two years old, and I initially wanted to get married at twenty-two. My priority over the years has just been to make money because of the type of life I want to live. Another thing is, I just want to be able to solve my problems easily. I think Nigerian women need to untie themselves from the shackles of patriarchy so they can move on. I might desire partnership, but when you word it as an achievement, tueh.
A lot of women who even desire marriage these days don’t want it for partnership or even to ease societal pressures. Most of them now just want social media validation and to live up to God when moments. Either way, something will still bind them to the shackles of marriage.
3. ‘Marriage is not a priority for me because men don’t have sense’- Aisha*, 31
My thing is, I want to be able to take care of myself and live life on my own terms. So, I’m trying to secure the bag. Personally, marriage is not a priority for me because men don’t have any sense. But I don’t think Nigerian women will ever be free from wanting it. It gives a semblance of social security. However, I’m all for women finding happiness, even if that means being a nwunye odogwu, so be it. I’d only get married if I find someone I want to do life with. I’m not sure why people use it as a measure of success because they’re couples who are miserable in their marriages.
4. ‘I find it hard to blame women for prioritising marriage’- Uche*, 25
I initially wanted to get married at twenty-five, which is my current age. But it’s not a priority for me anymore. I’m currently in medical school, and I’m still figuring out most of my life. I’m also quite picky with what I want, so I’m perfectly okay being single until I meet someone who fits. I want to marry for love, and it’s not something I can determine when and how I get it.
Marriage will only benefit a woman depending on what she’s looking for. Some people want a sense of security, and others want financial stability. I think there’s also some social acceptance and respect that comes with being a married woman, and with the way Nigeria is, it’s difficult not to want that. That’s one of the reasons why we won’t ever be free from it, and honestly, I find it difficult to blame them.
So much of a Nigerian woman’s identity is tied to being married, and in many of our communities, single women aren’t taken seriously, regardless of what it is she has accomplished. There’s also the religious angle to things. When I started questioning societal expectations was when I wondered why there was even an age window and whether it mattered if I didn’t want kids. I think what matters to you should be a priority.
Also Read: Marriage Diaries: The Wife Who Married a Loner and Is Learning to Live With It
5. ‘I’ve never given marriage a serious thought’- Tegiro*, 27
I’ve been under a lot of pressure to get married, but I think that’s only because I’ve been in a serious relationship for a really long time. So, the question really has been ‘when are you guys getting married?’. Honestly, I’m too busy chasing my goals and dreams. That’s what it’s always been for me, so I’ve never given marriage a serious thought. My current priority is chasing my dream of running a multimillion-dollar oil & gas business before I turn 30, and planning a wedding at this time would derail me.
I’m not sure why people see marriage as a milestone of success. In reality, it’s literally people formalising their love or the belief that they make a good partnership. It’s literally just an event. My imagination from when I was younger centred on being successful, influential, falling in love and having hot spicy sex. Even my fantasies of falling in love didn’t end with a wedding, just passion and great sex.
If we’re expecting a shift in how Nigerian women view marriage, we would be waiting for a very long time. We need a willingness to unlearn patriarchal norms, and we need people who are exposed and confident enough to challenge the status quo to do this. A large portion of our population lacks access to education.
I became a feminist at a very young age, and when I was in university, I was surrounded by intelligent, outspoken, widely read young women. That experience radicalised me. I went from being indifferent about marriage to recognising how deeply patriarchal and extractive the institution can be, and how much unpaid emotional and domestic labour women are expected to provide within it. But I know my perspective only exists because of privilege.
My advice to women would be to just not do it. Please define your worth around being a star.
6. ‘I don’t want anyone to stress me about being less than a woman’- Damilola*, 27
I don’t ever remember being excited at the thought of marriage. But my own reluctance towards it comes from just being constantly under scrutiny. Growing up I witnessed a lot of my aunties, not necessarily suffering, but constantly being judged or criticised for not meeting a certain standard. I don’t want anyone to stress me about being less than a woman because I’m not meeting some stupid expectation. I’m not sure if it’s selfish, but I’m not willing to compromise the comforts of my life and the certainty of being an individual for a lifelong partnership with a man. I mean, thank God for divorce, but still.
My priorities are the same as they’ve always been: to build and live the kind of life I desire. Most of which involves changing the world in some way. It’s difficult for me to see there being any benefits in marriage for women, except maybe having a dual-income household and companionship. But you don’t even need marriage for that. I’m always telling my friends that we don’t need it. Let’s get a place and just keep on having fun and being sexy. There are so many ways to live life.
It’s one of the reasons why I can’t understand why they hold on to it. Something always has to give; if it’s not your career, it’s your bodily autonomy or your freedom. The bodily autonomy one is so crazy because, unless you’re lucky, nothing will ever be enough. You have one child or zero children, you’re barren. You have three girls; your husband wants you to keep trying because he wants a boy. Women are constantly compromising themselves for something that doesn’t consider them. It’s rubbish, and I need everyone to stop it right now. It’ll be tough, but the only thing they’ll do is talk. I need us to exercise more agency.
7. ‘I don’t see any meaningful benefits for women in marriage. To me it’s just a piece of paper.’- Martha*, 23
I’m currently twenty-three, and I thought I would be getting married at twenty-one. Right now, marriage is no longer a priority for me because I don’t think I’m emotionally mature enough for it. I’ve had very little experience emotionally, and I’m still learning a lot about love. Let’s not forget that I’m broke. Right now, my priorities are economic stability, financial freedom, and growing in my career. I’m not particularly relationship-driven at this stage of my life. I still have crushes and go on dates, but I need to be practical with myself.
When it comes to the benefits of marriage for women, I don’t see any meaningful ones. A lot of the traditional advantages of marriage still tend to favour men, while women often carry more emotional and practical responsibilities. I don’t see marriage as a marker of success for anyone. To me, it’s just a formal agreement, a piece of paper that acknowledges a union between two or more people. I view it more like a life milestone, the same way I see education, relationships, or motherhood, etc. They’re all forms of growth that can add to someone’s life story, but they’re not the definition of success. They’re options, not endpoints
Honestly, I don’t think Nigerian women will be free from the shackles of marriage anytime soon. At 23, it’s easy for someone like me to say I’m focused on my dreams, and at this age, that’s acceptable, even expected to be foolishly chasing dreams and desires. But what happens when I hit 25? 30? No matter how accomplished I am, the narrative shifts. You can achieve every career goal, build wealth, and live a fulfilled life, yet society will still insist you’re missing the “crowning achievement” of marriage.
Read Next: I Gave My Husband Most of My Life and Started Working at 53
