Sharon* (53) and Bayo* (55)made the joint decision to have her be a stay-at-home mum just after getting married. This decision, which she now regrets, has defined the tone for years of her marriage. In this piece, Sharon tells us how this decision changed her husband and their marriage and what her biggest lesson from the experience is.
This is Sharon’s story as told to Eloho.
I was twenty-seven when we got married. My husband and I dated for about two years. There were mixed signals in the beginning, but the love felt so good that I convinced myself that it was worth it. I knew I wasn’t the only woman he was dating. I wasn’t even sure I was his favourite. Back in the day, women my age believed that if we stayed long enough, we might be the “lucky” our husbands married.
His sister and I had a great relationship, and she always said she was rooting for me.
He didn’t seem controlling at first. In fact, he was sweet, even after the wedding. At the time, I had just finished NYSC and landed a full-time job at the British High Commission. If I had remained there and built my career, I’m sure my life would look completely different today. I genuinely thought he would support that path. I think he did too, initially.
Things changed gradually. After our first child, I had to be away for about three months; I can’t even remember why exactly. He didn’t complain then. He behaved just like any new father would.
The shift happened when both our schedules got busy. He was a journalist, always travelling, and I was working full-time as well. We had a conversation about it and somehow concluded that it would be best for me to stop working. The agreement was that he would set up a business for me to run so the transition wouldn’t be difficult.
To his credit, he kept that promise. We tried many businesses, but entrepreneurship just wasn’t my calling. I had so many ideas, learnt different crafts, opened shop after shop; clothes, accessories, hair. What I really needed was structure, but I didn’t have the words for that back then. He always funded the start of every idea, but the support usually ended with money. After a while, my husband got tired of the trial and error. That’s when his extended family started moving into our home, and things became almost impossible for me.
At one point, we had over eleven of his cousins and nieces living with us, plus our five children. Cooking felt like catering for a small hostel and there was no privacy. I wasn’t working, so I was part of the list of people he was financially caring for. I also had a family who needed support occasionally. Looking back, I should have set boundaries with them, too, the same way I should have with his relatives.
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Once the number of dependents grew, he turned bitter. He started saying my family were ingrates and that I was the worst of them all. Before asking him for money for anything, even groceries, I had to prepare myself emotionally because I knew an insult would come first.
My husband would say things like,
“You can’t do anything for yourself”
“Do you know how hard it is to make money?”
“If not for me, where would your family be?”
It was humiliating. And this was the pattern for years.
And mind you, this was not a faithful man.
Things are worse now. My children and I had to move out of the country because of how bad things got. Some days, I wonder if we should have stayed in Nigeria. He barely sends enough money for our needs and complains every time he does. The insults still come, just with a new twist.
I don’t know how he expects someone who hasn’t worked in over twenty years to find a good job in a European country suddenly. I’m trying, but the jobs I can get aren’t ones he would proudly talk about. Some days, I feel like he sent me here so he could freely continue whatever he’s doing in Nigeria. It’s depressing.
My children are teenagers now. My eldest is 18 and has a job, thank God. I’m waiting for all of them to finish school and find their footing. Then I’ll start finding my way out of this marriage.
I’ve tried my best. God knows I have.
If I could change anything, it would be this: I should have been proactive. I should have done more for myself. There is no bigger mistake than putting your whole life in a man’s hands. I tell my daughters this truth. My mother thinks I’m painting their father in a bad light, but what exactly am I hiding from them? They see what is happening. Sometimes they’re the ones bringing me stories of him cheating.
I’m exhausted. I feel guilty about how things ended up, but I can only move forward. It may feel late because of my age, but I’m determined to push through and build whatever future I can.
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