Before marriage, Adewale* (37) wasn’t the type to fantasise about weddings or picture-perfect unions. If anything, watching his parents’ turbulent relationship convinced him marriage might not be worth the trouble. But five years after walking down the aisle with a woman he met through his mother’s matchmaking, he’s learned more about patience, partnership and unlearning old ideas than he ever expected.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he shares how marrying a supportive woman forced him to confront his childhood conditioning, why their first year together was the hardest, and why he still believes that love alone can never hold a marriage together.
This is a look into his marriage diary.
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My parents showed me the kind of marriage I didn’t want
Before getting married, I didn’t have a fantasy of what a perfect marriage looked like. What I had was the image of what I never wanted. My parents didn’t have the best marriage. One minute they were arguing, the next minute my dad would disappear for weeks, so he wouldn’t have to deal with my mum. It was chaotic, and growing up around that made me wonder why people even bothered getting married.
My mum used to sit us down sometimes and say, “It didn’t use to be like this. We were very happy before.” But that was hard to believe. For as long as I can remember, I barely saw them enjoy each other. They still live together today, but their marriage was my template for everything I didn’t want for myself. It even made me consider not getting married at all.
I’d look at the constant fights and arguments between them and think, “If this is what marriage is, I’d rather be alone.” So, when people asked what I imagined marriage would be like for me, I never had a clear answer. I only knew that my home wouldn’t look like the one I grew up in.
My mum — with the bad marriage — matchmade me with my wife
My parents’ marriage shaped my feelings about relationships. Nobody else influenced my perception — not movies or religion. It was purely from watching them.
But life is ironic because after I finished university, got a job and didn’t show signs of settling down, it was this same mum who decided to matchmake me. One weekend in August 2019, she invited me home for what she called a prayer session for her late mother. I arrived, and the prayers did happen, but afterwards, she pulled me aside to introduce me to someone.
I don’t know what she told the lady, but she also seemed eager. We spoke briefly, and I wasn’t instantly drawn to her, but my mum kept bugging me. Eventually, I decided to be intentional and just see where things would go.
Honestly, it was the best decision I’ve ever made. A year later, we got married, and I still say it every day that I’m super blessed. After everything my mother dealt with in her own marriage, she somehow still managed to find me a good woman. Life is funny like that.
I didn’t have any cold feet because once I committed, I was ready
People always talk about having that moment when they question if they’re really prepared for marriage. I never had that. Before I met my wife, I wasn’t rushing to get married. I was just taking life as it came, seeing people casually and minding my business.
But once that matchmaking happened and I decided to be intentional, my mind followed. I entered the relationship with clear eyes, knowing exactly what I wanted and what I didn’t want. I already knew the kind of home I planned to build, so I didn’t have those “am I making a mistake?” moments.
And after getting married, I’ve never had a day when I asked myself why I did it. My wife has only made the decision look better with each passing year.
Nobody warned me that having a supportive wife can be confusing at first
When people give marriage advice, they mostly talk about red flags, the need for patience, how to behave with your in-laws, or how men should “do their duties”. Nobody ever prepares you for the possibility that your wife might be extremely supportive and how that can cause its own kind of confusion.
In my first year of marriage, I struggled heavily with accepting my wife’s support. She’s financially stable and comes from a wealthy home, so money wasn’t a big deal to her. Before I even opened my mouth to ask, she’d paid for something in the house. If I mentioned that something was broken, she’d fix it before I returned from work. Sometimes, I’d see alerts for household bills I didn’t even know were pending.
And honestly? It bothered me at first.
Not because I didn’t appreciate it, but because it made me feel like I wasn’t fulfilling my role as the man of the house. I grew up watching a marriage where financial responsibility was tied tightly to masculine identity. My dad believed he had to sort every bill, and my mum believed the same. Whenever that balance wasn’t met, they fought.
So when my wife started doing things I considered “my responsibility,” it felt like my position was being threatened. I was defensive. I would complain. Sometimes I even got angry.
She would calmly explain that she wasn’t trying to take my place. She was simply doing what she’d watched her own parents do: sharing responsibilities and helping each other. However, because I didn’t grow up seeing that, it took me some time to adjust.
The biggest turning point was the first time she sent me money after I’d gone completely broke. I remember staring at the alert in disbelief. I didn’t know how to respond. It felt strange receiving help from a woman I was supposed to be providing for. It almost caused a fight because she thought I didn’t want her help. But it wasn’t that, I just had never experienced anything like it before.
Eventually, I had to learn how to accept support without feeling less of a man. That adjustment reshaped me.
I thought her support meant she was trying to take my place
Today, my wife and I barely argue, but it wasn’t always like that. In the last two years, we’ve had peace in ways I never saw growing up. However, that first year was marked by numerous unnecessary arguments, and they all stemmed from my insecurities.
I had to unlearn a lot. I didn’t want my home to look like the one I grew up in, yet I was subconsciously repeating certain patterns. Over time, as I began to see her intentions more clearly, we stopped having that kind of conflict. The moment I stopped fighting her support and started embracing it, peace settled into our home.
It also helped that my wife is naturally calm. She’d explain herself instead of reacting to my anger. Looking back now, that patience helped us survive that first year.
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Marriage taught me how to accept help and why love isn’t enough
Marriage has changed me in many ways. Before, I was the kind of man who hated asking for help, even when I needed it. As a child, after being punished, I would refuse to ask my parents for pocket money. I carried that attitude into adulthood — being broke silently, struggling silently, insisting on doing everything myself.
But my wife softened me. She taught me that accepting help doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Because of her, I’ve shed a version of masculinity that didn’t serve me.
And when I think about it, that process is why I say love can never be enough.
Yes, love is essential. It’s the foundation. But marriage will reveal things about yourself that you never realised. Marriage will test your pride, patience, identity, and boundaries. There will be days when you don’t even “feel” love, and the only things that keep both of you going are understanding, tolerance, respect, and commitment.
Love starts the journey, but all these other things keep the marriage afloat. And I’m grateful I’m learning that with someone who makes the journey easier.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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