People say marriage changes everything from how you spend money to how often you have sex. But is it really true? We asked six married Nigerian men to share how their sex lives changed after saying “I do,” and their answers range from “we can’t keep our hands off each other” to “once a month, if I’m lucky.”
“Before marriage, sex only happened when we saw each other” — Hassan*, 40
When Hassan and his wife were dating, they lived in different states, and sex had to wait for the moments when they were together.
“While we were dating, it was mostly long distance, so it wasn’t easy to gauge the frequency. Sometimes, we could go two or three months without seeing each other, and when we finally did, it was usually for a weekend or, if we were lucky, a week.
In that time, we’d probably have sex once or twice because everything just felt rushed. We were always trying to cram in all the missed time, talk, gist, go out, and still rest. Sex was just one of the many things that had to fit in between.
The first year of marriage was a completely different story. We were both working remotely at the time, so it was constant. Morning, afternoon, night and practically anytime we felt like it. I can’t even count how many times. It was like making up for all the time we’d spent apart.
But after she gave birth, things changed. I expected it, to be honest. She was healing, breastfeeding, and tired almost all the time. These days, we’re lucky if it happens twice a week, and there are weeks when nothing happens at all.
It’s not as frequent as it used to be, but I don’t complain. I know what it means to be exhausted and just want sleep. I still miss the old flame sometimes, but I also understand that this is the season we’re in. It’ll balance out again eventually.”
“We went from having sex everywhere to barely once a month” — Demola*, 33
Demola remembers his wild university days with his now-wife. They were young, curious, and insatiable. However, marriage came with a different kind of vibe that’s still taking some getting used to.
“My wife and I went to the same university, and honestly, the sex back then was crazy. We were doing it everywhere — her hostel, my apartment, sometimes even in the most random places. We were also very open to experimenting. There was even a time we invited a third person over. It happened once, and we both instantly knew it wasn’t our thing. But that’s how open we were.
When we got married in 2021, the energy was still there at first. Then she got pregnant, and everything changed. Her body started reacting badly; she was throwing up a lot, constantly tired and sick. We barely touched each other throughout the pregnancy.
After she gave birth, it took another eight months before she was even interested again. I understood, but those months were hard. I had to literally train my mind to deprioritise sex, to stop expecting it, because I didn’t want to pressure her or make her feel bad.
Now, the funny thing is, that decision has kind of rewired me. These days, I don’t even think about it much. If she’s not in the mood and I get turned down, I can easily go another month without trying again. Sometimes, I miss how spontaneous it used to be. However, I suppose this is what long-term marriage does: it changes the way you express intimacy.
It’s not bad, just different. And we’re both still figuring out how to find our balance again.”
“I used to have a very active sex life, but marriage turned it into work” — Denzel*, 35
Before Denzel got married, he and his wife were very active. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other, and intimacy came naturally. But since they said “I do”, things have been entirely different.
“Before marriage, my wife and I were like rabbits. It wasn’t just about the act; there was excitement, spontaneity, and lots of youthful energy. We could go at it anywhere — in the car, in the bathroom, at any time. I thought that part of our relationship would stay the same after marriage, but everything changed.
After we got married, it felt like she started seeing sex as a chore. I have to practically beg or start buttering her up with sweet words before she even considers it. And it’s not that she doesn’t love me — I know she does — but it’s like the spark just went off.
It got so frustrating at some point that I started keeping count of how many times she turned me down. There was one month I counted 15 rejections. Fifteen. And each time, I felt a little less motivated to try again.
These days, I’ve stopped stressing. If it happens, it happens. If I try, and I sense she’s about to say no, I just turn myself off immediately. Sometimes, if I’m really pressed, I pleasure myself. It’s not ideal, but I’ve made peace with it. I just hope it gets better someday because this wasn’t what I imagined marriage would be like.”
“My wife still wanted sex during pregnancy, but I was too scared to hurt the baby” — Ayo*, 30
For Ayo, things didn’t slow down immediately after he tied the knot, but pregnancy changed everything because he got scared of trying.
“Before we got married, we had a healthy sex life. It was fun, adventurous, and frequent. Even after the wedding, it stayed that way for a while.
Then she got pregnant, and surprisingly, she still wanted it often. But I couldn’t handle it. I was too scared that I’d hurt the baby. I’m a big guy, and that thought just made me anxious. Every time we tried, I couldn’t focus because I kept worrying about whether I was pressing too hard or causing harm. So I just started avoiding it.
After she gave birth, things didn’t go back to normal either. She had a tear, and I didn’t want to rush her into sex or make her feel pressured while she was still healing. Then taking care of the baby came with its own stress. We had so many sleepless nights, constant exhaustion, all of that.
Now, we barely have sex as much as we used to. Sometimes, we go weeks without it, and when it does happen, it feels more like ticking a box than how it used to be. I’m not blaming her, but I won’t lie, I worry. We’re still young, and we should be in that phase where we’re having some of the best sex of our lives. I just hope we find our rhythm again soon.”
“We’ve had the same rhythm for over 10 years, and it still works” — Femi*, 34
Femi’s story is one of consistency. He and his wife have been together for over a decade — from their university days to marriage — and somehow, their sex life hasn’t changed much.
“My wife and I dated for 10 years before we got married, so we already knew each other’s patterns. We figured out early on what works for us and what doesn’t, and honestly, that’s made things easier now that we’re married.
The frequency of sex has always been pretty much steady and predictable. We have a rule that we never go a week without having sex, except when she’s on her period. That rule has helped us maintain balance because once the gap gets too long, it’s hard to catch up again.
I’ll be honest, though, I’m usually the one enforcing that rule. Left to my wife, she could easily go months without sex, and she’ll be fine. She’s not big on it, and that used to frustrate me at the beginning, but I’ve learned to understand her. I just make sure we don’t break our ‘once-a-week’ rule. It keeps the spark alive, and it’s one of the things that’s made our marriage stable.”
“It’s been eight years, and I still hate being the one who always initiates” — Kunle*, 36
Kunle doesn’t think his sex life is bad, but he’s tired of always being the one to ask. It’s been eight years together, and even now, he still gets turned down more often than he’d like.
“If I’m being honest, the frequency of sex in my marriage is average. We’re not one of those couples that go months without it, but it’s also not as regular as I’d want. My biggest issue isn’t even how often we have sex; it’s the fact that I’m always the one initiating.
I can’t count how many times my wife has turned me down, and it hurts every single time. Sometimes people don’t realise how much that kind of rejection affects a man. It makes you question yourself, even when you know it’s not about you.
I’ve had times when I told her straight up that I don’t feel wanted in this marriage. She barely touches me intimately, never initiates, and if I don’t make a move, nothing happens. It’s been eight years together, and each rejection still feels like a fresh wound.
People like to say men cheat because they’re greedy or undisciplined, but the truth is that sex is a very important part of marriage. If you’re making plans about every other thing — finances, kids, responsibilities — you should also plan for sex. It affects mood, connection, and even communication.
I’ve never cheated, and I don’t intend to, but I’d hate for sexual frustration to be what eventually pushes me in that direction.”
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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