Calista* (29) never really had a clear picture of what marriage would look like. After years of dating and realising no one is perfect, she expected it to be a mix of love and compromise. What she didn’t expect was how much she’d have to learn about boundaries, especially with in-laws who love deeply and show up often.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about falling in love with an imperfect man, navigating life with a close-knit extended family, and why she’s still learning that love alone isn’t enough to keep a marriage steady.
This is a look into her marriage diary.
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I didn’t imagine what marriage would be like
If I’m being honest, I didn’t have a strong picture of what marriage would look like before I got here. I was never one of those girls who dreamt of wedding dresses or built Pinterest boards about marriage. Yeah, as a teenager, I watched lots of romcoms and read romance novels, and I definitely thought love would be like that — a Prince Charming who sweeps you off your feet and does no wrong.
But my first experience with dating quickly burst that bubble. It was in SS3, and honestly, we were both immature. We had no business being in a relationship. The whole thing was so ridiculous that it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Still, I’m grateful for that experience because it was my first real reality check that romance in movies and books isn’t the same as romance in real life.
By the time I got to university, I dated a couple of people, but it was always the same story: you meet someone, think they’re perfect, and a few months later, they start to unravel. You both move on, and the cycle continues. After a while, I stopped fantasising about “forever.” All of that made it hard to picture marriage in the grand, romantic way most people do.
Love is just two imperfect people choosing each other
Looking back, I think my views on marriage came more from experience than anything else. My early teenage years were shaped by all the movies and novels that sold the idea of a perfect love story. But by the time I’d had a few relationships, that dream was gone.
I started to see love as choosing someone whose flaws you can live with for as long as possible. Marriage, in my head, wasn’t about butterflies anymore; it was about managing imperfections and showing up, even when it wasn’t rosy.
My husband is a good man. In fact, he’s the best. But I’ll be lying if I say he’s perfect. When we started dating, he ticked all the boxes — kind, patient, handsome, attentive, thriving in his career. For the first two or three years, I thought I’d found my Prince Charming after all. But by the fourth year, as we began to talk about marriage, I started to see a side of him I wasn’t used to.
My husband is deeply family-oriented; maybe too much. During our wedding planning, I noticed how his siblings, cousins, uncles, and aunties all had a say in our plans. Everyone wanted something, and he couldn’t say no. He’d tell me, “That’s how my family is, we love each other.” I understood, but sometimes, love needs boundaries.
To be fair, my in-laws are genuinely sweet. I love being around them. But even now, I still feel like my husband forgets that we’re building our own family. I was already in too deep when I realised this side of him, so I’ve had to learn to accommodate it. It’s one of those imperfections you just learn to live with.
I almost ran away on my wedding morning
Everything seemed to be going wrong, and somehow, my husband was in the middle of it. He’d sent the driver meant to take me to church to pick up a relative instead. The place wasn’t far, but I thought it was unfair because that person could’ve ordered a ride. Then I found out he’d given one of his cousins the glasses we were supposed to use for our photoshoot. They sound like small things, but what got to me was how he found it hard to say no to people, even when it inconvenienced him.
He called me that morning to pray and say all those sweet words people say before weddings, but I was cold. I barely responded. When he hung up, the guilt hit me hard. I remember sitting quietly for a few minutes, asking myself if this was really how I wanted to start my marriage — angry at a man who clearly adored me but didn’t always know how to draw the line.
Eventually, I decided to let it go. I wasn’t going to let my anger ruin one of the most beautiful days of our lives. That moment taught me something about marriage: sometimes, you’ll have to choose peace over being right.
Nobody warns you about in-laws
Growing up, I didn’t really see much of my dad’s family because he wasn’t in a good place with them. So my mum didn’t have to deal with in-laws. We had the occasional uncle or cousin visit, but that was it. Because of that, I never really imagined I’d have to “navigate” in-laws.
During my relationship, my husband’s family was super nice to me. His mum invited me over, and his siblings called me “sister.” Even before marriage, they treated me like one of them. I didn’t mind. In fact, I enjoyed the warmth. But once we got married, things shifted a little.
My husband’s family is very close-knit. They check in all the time, they visit often, and they have opinions about everything. One time, one of his nephews needed somewhere to stay in Lagos, and before I could even process it, my husband had offered our mini flat. I didn’t like it, not because I hate guests, but because we had just one bedroom. Still, I kept quiet. I didn’t want to be the wife who keeps the family away.
But it gets exhausting sometimes. Even when I voice out, I can tell my husband thinks I’m being unfair. I know he loves me, and I love him too, but it feels like I’m constantly learning to share him with his family.
I don’t think my husband is wrong for being close to his family. In fact, I admire it. But there are days when I just want him to say, “No, we can’t do that right now.” It’s tricky because I know how much his family loves me. They call, they check up on me, they treat me like their own. I just wish there was a balance between being the family’s golden child and being my husband.
Marriage has made me lose and gain parts of myself
I’ve definitely changed. Before marriage, I was a little more assertive. I didn’t think twice before drawing boundaries. But now, I’m learning to bend a bit to meet people halfway. Sometimes, I stop myself from reacting too quickly.
At the same time, I’ve also gained a new level of self-awareness. I’ve learned that I can be patient. I’ve learned that I can love people even when they don’t behave how I expect. And I’ve learned that marriage isn’t about proving points, it’s about finding a balance with another person and holding on to it.
Sometimes, I stop and ask myself if I’m being too rigid. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t understand what it means to be in a large, loving family. My mother never had to deal with in-laws, so maybe I just didn’t grow up seeing this kind of closeness. I’m trying to unlearn that mindset and see the love behind it.
So yes, I’ve lost some parts of myself — my fierce independence, my quick reactions — but I’ve also gained a softer side. I’m learning to listen more and talk less.
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Love isn’t enough; you need friendship, kindness and respect
If I could talk to my unmarried self, I’d tell her to ask questions — lots of them. Talk to people who’ve been married for years, not the ones who sugarcoat it but those who tell the truth. Marriage is not an extension of dating. It’s deeper, more layered, and sometimes, more confusing.
I’d also tell her not to assume that love will automatically teach her everything. You have to study marriage the same way you study a subject you want to master. Ask, listen, observe.
You need an equal mix of love, understanding, respect, and kindness. “I love you” is easy to say, but what matters is how it shows up in the way someone speaks to you, shows up for you, or holds space for you.
My husband is not perfect, but he’s kind and patient. And even when his love feels overwhelming or inconvenient, I can still see that it’s real. That, to me, is what keeps a marriage going. Not perfect love, but love that’s willing to grow, even when it’s being tested.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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