Ella* (26) never set out to cheat. Her relationship began in the shadow of an old breakup, and she quickly learned that love and loyalty are rarely straightforward. In this article, she opens up about her infidelity and the hard lessons it taught her.
Let’s start at the beginning. How did you meet your boyfriend?
I met Raheem* on Twitter in 2021. We were both taking an online course, which put us in the same group chat. We had a few casual interactions there before he started texting me privately.
At first, I wasn’t interested. I had just come out of a relationship and was still hoping to get back with my ex. But Raheem was consistent. Over time, our chats became a welcome distraction. Even after I told him I still had feelings for my ex, he didn’t back off. He kept asking to meet up, but I avoided it for months.
What finally made you give in?
I saw pictures of him at a party he had invited me to. He was with another girl, and it bothered me. I didn’t even have feelings for him yet, but I felt possessive. That pushed me to finally visit him, and we ended up having sex.
I told myself it was a one-time thing, but I forgot my ex’s necklace at his place. When I went back for it, we had sex again. That was when I stopped pretending I wasn’t attracted to him. From there, we slipped into a situationship.
What about your ex? Was he still in the picture?
At first, yes. We weren’t dating anymore, but still hooked up regularly. It took me a while to accept that the relationship was really over. About five months in, the breakup became official, and that was when I leaned more into Raheem.
By 2022, I realised I was developing real feelings. I wanted clarity, so I asked him what we were. But he dodged the question, bringing up religion. He came from a conservative Muslim family that wouldn’t approve of me, but he didn’t want to end things either. That back and forth left me restless.
How did you deal with that restlessness?
I started entertaining others. A new intern joined my office, and I noticed he always stared at me. One day, when we were alone in the boardroom, he kissed me. From then on, it became our thing. We never had sex, but we flirted a lot, both in person and over text. It lasted about four months until he left.
What was going on with Raheem at the time?
Raheem had moved to Lagos for work. The distance created space, and even though we hadn’t broken things off, I decided to take my mind off him. Since he refused to define us, I didn’t even count it as cheating.
Fair enough.
Also, Raheem wasn’t very good at communicating. Sometimes we’d go days without talking, and I felt really lonely. After the intern, I met Eric* through a friend. What drew me to him was how different he was from Raheem. He was more present, more romantic. I even considered leaving Raheem for him.
What stopped you?
Firstly, they knew each other and had a lot of mutuals since they worked in the same space. I didn’t want a messy situation. But the bigger problem was when Eric finally visited around the new year in 2023. We had sex, and it was very disappointing. He had performance issues that he brushed off and refused to address. It frustrated me, but I liked him enough to keep talking to him as a friend.
On one visit, Raheem noticed how glued I was to my phone, chatting with Eric. When he asked, I snapped and told him my friendships were none of his business. His jealousy pushed him to finally ask me to be his girlfriend in July 2023.
Did becoming official change anything?
Not really. It felt like he only put that tag on me so I wouldn’t leave. His communication was still bad, and then I found out a female friend had stayed at his house without him ever mentioning it. That was when I told myself, if he could hide things, then whatever I was doing was none of his business either.
So what did you do?
I kept talking to Eric. Around his birthday in September 2023, he invited me to an elaborate dinner and even booked a suite. I couldn’t refuse. I told myself the issues he had the first time were probably just a bad day, but I was wrong. He had the same erectile problems, and spending those two days with him left me frustrated. That was when the guilt of cheating on Raheem really started to sink in.
How did you deal with that guilt?
I distracted myself by going out more with friends. At one of those parties, I met Abba*. He was calm and fun, and I later found out we lived in the same neighborhood.
We started going on late-night drives, and one night, we kissed. From there, we began hooking up. Each time, I told myself it would be the last, but eventually I stopped feeling guilty. We both just used each other to take the edge off. In a strange way, it even made things with Raheem feel less strained.
Interesting. And Raheem stayed in the dark?
Yes. About eight months in, I knew I had to end things with Abba. When I visited Raheem around June 2024, I noticed something was off. He was distant, then after a few days, he asked if I had cheated. I denied it, but when he pressed and said he had proof, I panicked. I thought he knew about Abba, but it turned out he only suspected Eric. A mutual had seen pictures of me at a hotel around Eric’s birthday.
Raheem broke down, smashing things and hitting his head against the wall. I was terrified. In that moment, I just wanted to calm him down, so I gave him a half-truth. I cried and said I had only gone to the hotel to help Eric plan a surprise for someone else. To my relief, he believed me.
Seeing how much even the suspicion of betrayal shattered him made me feel terrible. It forced me to confront myself. I had been hiding behind excuses, blaming Raheem’s flaws and my mistrust of him, but none of that justified what I was doing. After that visit, I cut off both Abba and Eric for good and promised myself I would finally be loyal.
Great. Did you keep that promise?
For almost a year, yes. I even moved to Raheem’s city for work, and being closer made things easier. But he still refused to tell his family about me, and that created a wall between us. It made me fear the relationship would never go anywhere serious. I was vulnerable, and that was when I slipped again.
In March this year, while visiting my family, I reconnected with my childhood crush. He owned a store near my parents’ house, and I would stop by when I was bored. One afternoon, things escalated, and we ended up having sex. It happened only once, but I hated myself for it. The worst part was seeing Raheem’s call come in right after it happened. I began to wonder if my problem was spiritual.
Afterward, I cut ties with my crush completely. Now, even though Raheem and I are in a better place, that guilt has stayed with me.
Why do you think you kept slipping?
Looking back, I realise my relationship with Raheem was built on shaky ground. I wasn’t ready for commitment, but I forced myself into it because he felt like a safe option. Instead of addressing our issues head-on, I distracted myself with other people. It was easier than confronting our problems.
Now, I see that cheating never fixes anything. It doesn’t cure loneliness or confusion. It only deepens guilt and makes the relationship feel heavier.
Sounds like you’ve done a lot of reflection. What do you think the future of your relationship with Raheem looks like now?
We’ve had honest conversations about our differences, especially his religious background. I’ve made it clear that I need real commitment if I’m going to stay, and he has started showing effort by introducing me to his siblings.
It feels like a step in the right direction. He still doesn’t know about my past mistakes, but I believe we can make it work if we’re both intentional. More than anything, I just hope not to repeat them.
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