Damola* (28) didn’t grow up dreaming of marriage. In fact, she found love “cringe” and avoided anything romantic for most of her childhood and teenage years. Even in university, she wasn’t looking for a relationship. However, when she met her husband during NYSC, everything changed.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she talks about being shocked she got married at all, navigating mismatched libidos, the fight that forced her to rethink rejection, and why love alone can’t sustain a marriage.
This is a look into her marriage diary.
Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.
Love always felt cringe to me
Growing up, romance never appealed to me. I hated when my parents hugged or pecked each other in front of us, and during movies, I’d fast-forward any scene that looked remotely intimate. I thought love was embarrassing, something to laugh at or ignore.
Sports were more my thing. With four brothers and just one sister, I naturally gravitated toward their roughhousing and football matches. My mum always said I turned out tomboyish because I was surrounded by boys, but I think it was simply who I was. My sister leaned into her feminine side, but I didn’t.
By the time I entered secondary school, I still had no interest in romance. I stuck to female friends and avoided boys. I didn’t get into any relationship. Even in university, nothing changed. At some point, I wondered if I liked girls instead. But I felt nothing the two times I tried to explore that curiosity. Boys didn’t move me either.
So I kept to myself. I wasn’t bothered that I didn’t have crushes or anything that resembled a romantic relationship. If anything, I sometimes worried I might never marry.
Whenever marriage crossed my mind, it was usually in a mocking way. “This one that you’re not dating or giving anyone a chance, will you even marry?” was a thought that crossed my head a lot of times.
Football brought us together
Marriage stopped feeling like an impossibility the day I met my husband during NYSC.
We’d bonded lightly at a CDS meeting when he teased me about football. Later, he invited me to join him at a viewing centre where he usually watched matches. My female housemates weren’t football fans, but I was game. That’s how it started — casual banter over football matches, small jokes about rival teams, and shared excitement whenever our favourite teams won.
At first, he reminded me a lot of my brothers. He was playful, rough around the edges, and spoke the same language of banter I had grown up with. It was no surprise that my family took to him immediately. In fact, people often mistake us for siblings even now.
But as I got to know him better, I realised he wasn’t “just like my brothers.” He accepted me exactly as I was. He never complained about how I dressed, never pressured me to wear makeup or look more feminine. He loved football as much as I did and was perfectly content with my tomboyish nature.
The similarities between us were uncanny, and they felt right. From that first year, I knew: this was my husband. If I wasn’t marrying him, I wouldn’t be marrying anyone.
I walked into my marriage without fear
A lot of people talk about questioning whether they’re ready for marriage. I can honestly say I never had that moment.
For most of my life, I didn’t think about marriage. But the minute I found my husband, it all made sense. I never doubted him. I never doubted us. I even told him once that I would have asked him if he hadn’t asked me out.
So when he proposed, there were no second thoughts. During our engagement, one of my brothers teased me, asking why I wasn’t crying like those brides you see online. I just laughed. “Cry for what? Me that I’m happy to go and be with my guy.”
I didn’t walk into marriage hesitantly. I walked in clear-headed, excited, and sure.
Sex shocked me the most
Nothing about marriage shocked me more than the sex.
I had done some self-exploring before marriage, but my husband was my first sexual partner. While we dated, I always avoided it, usually hiding behind the excuse of not wanting to risk pregnancy. But once we got married, there was no excuse anymore; this man always wanted it.
Sometimes, after he’d had a long day, I’d be thinking, “Oh, he just needs food and a hot shower.” Instead, he’d be tugging at my nightgown. At first, I couldn’t understand it. How could he want more after being exhausted?
His drive was shocking. I wanted sex far less often — sometimes not even once in a month — but for him, once or twice a week was non-negotiable. It took a while to find balance. Thankfully, he was open to pleasure beyond just penetration, so we built a system that works for us.
Still, I had to accept something no one ever warned me about: sex is a much bigger part of marriage than I expected.
I had to learn how rejection feels for him
One of our biggest fights also revolved around sex.
There was a night he reached for me, and I snapped. I slapped his hand away, not intentionally to hurt, but out of irritation. He was deeply wounded. For the next week, we barely spoke; it was just dry, robotic responses to each other. For once, he didn’t come near me at all.
Eventually, I broke the silence and apologised. He told me something that stuck with me: “You’ll never understand what rejection feels like, because I’ve never rejected you.” And it was true. Whenever I wanted sex, he obliged, no hesitation. But I turned him down more often than I realised.
That fight made me rethink how I responded to him. I’ve learned to reject more gently, or even avoid the situation if I’m not in the mood. Sometimes, I stay up longer in the living room until he falls asleep. It’s not perfect, but it prevents me from snapping at him again.
That experience taught me how important it is to handle disagreements with kindness, not just honesty.
Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.
Love is never enough on its own
Three years into marriage, one thing is clear to me: love is never enough.
People who say otherwise are either being deliberately delusional or haven’t experienced marriage. During dating, it’s easy to believe love will carry you through. But once you’re married, you quickly realise love alone won’t fix poor communication, impatience, or lack of kindness.
I love my husband deeply, but what makes us work is more than love. It’s that he understands me, we respect each other, we forgive each other’s flaws, and we still laugh, play, and watch football together.
Love is the foundation, yes, but without everything else, it can’t hold the house up.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
Click here to see what other people are saying about this article on Instagram
