When it comes to sex and issues related to the subject, women are hardly ever leading the conversations, much less being honest about them. Because of this, it almost seems impossible to get to a point where women speak freely about their sexual likes and dislikes. Even amongst ourselves, it’s difficult to talk about the things we’d like to explore, however conventional or otherwise.
The guilt and shame women feel in relation to sexual desire are limiting and often leave women with unsatisfying experiences. In this article, we speak to nine women from the Sarah Project about how their relationship with sex and desire has evolved.
“Sex is very overrated”, — Saidah 24
I’ve never had sex, but I used to think about it a lot because of how books and porn made it look. It feels like something that’s pleasurable only for a moment, and I don’t think it’s worth it. When I speak to sexually active people, nothing about their experiences makes it seem like they’re having a great time. That makes me want it even less.
As a woman, I think I’m better off pleasuring myself than having a man do it with/for me. Men don’t seem to care about women’s experiences. Men are just here to use and dump us. They’ll tell you what you want to hear, and once you open your legs, they’re off. Women need to prioritise their pleasure more. Sadly, we don’t get to talk about sex in a way that benefits women, even in marriage. They always tell you, ‘Satisfy your husband.’ But never how to satisfy a woman. The men are so uneducated, and so many women grow up not even knowing what they want or how to ask for it.
For my first time, I want both my partner and me to be very satisfied. I don’t want a situation where I’m asking, ‘Is that it?’ I want it to be so good that I get addicted.
“When I’m sad, I want to fuck’’, — Fifi 22
When I started having sex, I used to be more focused on pleasing men. It was almost like I was trying to impress them with my performance. I had to unlearn that. Now I know that sex is something I’m supposed to enjoy as a woman. It’s supposed to make me happy, too.
Even the way I see casual sex now is different. Before, I used to just go with whatever, but now, if it’s not feeling good for me, I don’t bother. I have way less casual sex now because of that. I’ve been sexually active for six years, and I can tell you that sex at 16 and 22 are very different. I’m also a lot more confident with my sexual health. I ask for test results and insist on using condoms.
I think my relationship with sex is different from that of other people. Many people use it to relieve stress, but I don’t. I mostly want it when I’m sad. Once we’re done, I’m like ‘’Please just get out. Thank you very much.’’ It’s zero or one hundred for me, no in-between.
I’ve been thinking about what sex will be like when I’m married. I’ve been looking for married women to talk to.. I need answers.
‘’I don’t wait until afterwards to sort out contraception’’, — Bebi 25
The first few times I had sex, it was all about the man. I always prioritised how he felt and whether I was doing the right thing. Now, I would say I enjoy sex more for myself than for the other person. Growing older, I’ve realised desire isn’t always an itch you need to scratch.. Too much of anything is bad. Now I set boundaries around sex; how often I want it and who I share that with.
Sex has become a holistic experience for me. Before, I used to just get on with it when I was physically okay, but my emotions matter as well. I used to think my ideal sex life would start with my husband. I’d be a virgin. We’d figure it all out together. But honestly? I’m really happy I’m figuring it out on my own. What feels good to me now is having one partner I trust and share something with. We don’t have to be dating, but there’s a relationship there, some regard, some care, some love.
Self-care in sex for me is not waiting; Not waiting for someone else to offer me contraceptives. Not waiting until I see symptoms to get tested. Not waiting to be told to check in on my sexual health. If I know I’m going to have sex, I don’t wait until afterwards to sort out contraception.
Also Read: The Orgasm Gap: Why Women Get the Short End of the Stick (and How to Fix It)
“I started enjoying sex after I lost a pregnancy’’, — Pamela, 26
I started having sex at 20, and it was difficult. Most times, I couldn’t get wet, and I didn’t even enjoy it. But I lost a pregnancy in 2023, and things changed after then. I started getting wetter, and not just that, I became way more horny.
There was a lot of unlearning in the process. Before I’d think, let’s just have sex so he can come and go. If a man offered to give me head, I didn’t want it. If he tried to touch me, I didn’t want it. Just do your thing and leave. Now, I’m more confident. I’m vocal about what I want. I actually want to enjoy sex, and I do.
I have mates in school who are still virgins, and I used to genuinely pity them, not in a rude way. Just because once you discover sex, you realise it’s a whole learning curve. You can read all the books, watch all the videos, but your body is different. You have to learn it. What works for others might not work for you. That’s something I’ve come to understand.
Like when my period is about to come, I’m always horny. Even during my period, I want sex. Sometimes I’ll be walking and my thighs rub together, and it turns me on. My body responds to everything differently now. I don’t always understand it, but I accept it.
Two things I’m looking forward to are sex in my thirties and squirting. I think I’ve gotten to the point of squirting before, but in my head I’m like, Is this pee? So I hold it back.
‘’If it wasn’t for my faith, I’d probably be having a lot of sex’’, — Rachel 33
My desire started reducing around 25, and now I’m celibate. I don’t feel as pretty as I used to, but I’m learning to embrace ageing. I actually love the way I look now. I’m more confident and don’t really care about what I looked like before. To be honest, celibacy for me is more of a religious thing. Without that, I’d probably be having a lot of sex.
When I was younger, I believed sex was bad and came with grave consequences. Even thinking about it felt dangerous, so whenever I felt desire, I thought I had to squash it. My dad was very strict. He always warned us that men only wanted to devour us, so by default, I grew up seeing them as threats. And honestly, the few boys I interacted with proved him right; they only wanted sex.
Of course, there have been moments I’ve wanted to have sex; I’m human. But the people around me never gave me the drive. They didn’t make me feel like I wanted to share that part of myself. Strangely, it’s been easier to be celibate now than it was when I was younger. The stories I’ve heard and the people I’ve met have shaped that choice. Even aside from religion, I feel like sex should really be worth it. If I do it with the wrong person, it’ll feel like a waste. I want to enjoy it and be able to talk about it from the inside out.
There are things I feel in my body now that I didn’t feel when I was younger. I used to love my body more. I used to be more confident. Now, not as much.
‘’Sex isn’t just about orgasms for me’’, — Kemi 24
When I started having sex, I only used to do it because people asked. Then it became a thing of wanting to learn about my body. For me, every new partner brought something new I could learn, about sex and about myself. Now, I have sex less often. Not because I’m less curious, but because I’m more aware of what I want and how I want it.
One thing I’ve learnt is that an orgasm isn’t the end goal. Sure, being able to have one during sex with a partner is great, but if an orgasm was really the only thing pushing me to have sex, I’d just never leave my house. I have three toys that can make me have back-to-back orgasms in five minutes. I have sex because I enjoy the company, the heat, the tension. It’s more about the journey than the destination for me now.
I think I’m more aware of how I want to be desired. There’s a way people approach me in regards to sex that I find crass. I want to be seduced and to seduce, not to be doing all that flash me your titties on FaceTime nonsense. So I think I’m more strict now. I’ve added a bit more weight now, and normally I’d have hated it, but I think it’s made me enjoy sex more. I’m softer and curvier, and my body is a whole field for exploration, and I adore it (most times).
I wish more people, especially women, talked about what they don’t enjoy. So many women endure pain during sex just because they think their partner is enjoying it. There’s absolutely no reason to put someone else’s pleasure above your own safety.
I used to think sex was just a quick burst of fun. Like, two minutes and done. But now I know better. Sex can last way longer than that. And you can feel the aftereffects for months. Sometimes years. I’m still having flashbacks from years ago. A fantastic sex life isn’t about how often you’re doing it; it’s about how deeply you enjoy it. Self-care right now looks like a healthy relationship with my sex toys, regular STI and STD testing—even when I’m not that active, and making sure I’m only having sex with people who are just as committed to having a great time as I am.
‘’I don’t deprive myself of sexual experiences’’, — Demi 30
There’s nothing I find more ridiculous than the fact that you never forget your first. I forgot mine like mad. Before turning 30, I was sexually active without emotional attachments. Now that I’m 30, it’s literally the opposite. I have to care about you. I need a connection. It’s not just about the act anymore.
I don’t think age itself is what changes you. Age is just a number (as long as all parties are adults, of course). What matters is what you do with that time. I feel more in tune with my body now, and that came through trying things. Seeing what I liked. What I didn’t. Giving myself permission to explore. Around 25, I went through a period where my mental health, mostly anxiety and depression, made me isolate myself. That time helped me understand the difference between intimacy and sex. It made me more thoughtful about what I truly needed. If there’s something new I want to try, I don’t deprive myself of that. Curiosity is part of my self-respect
A healthy sex life for me today is one where I get my needs met. It’s a life where I’m able to compartmentalise, because I’m a very private person. I don’t like having many sexual partners. And honestly? That’s so different from what I used to think it would be. I genuinely believed I’d wait till marriage before having sex. Life clearly had other plans.
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‘’Dry humping naked is better than sex, — Desola 22
I used to think of sex or being sexually active as something sacred. Religion was part of it, but it wasn’t just that. For me, even kissing someone was something I needed an emotional connection for. There was a period in my life when I’d never really explored my body or been intimate with someone. I hadn’t even kissed someone for a few years, and I only used to watch lesbian porn. Penises scared me.
It wasn’t until I started speaking to other women about sex and pleasure that I knew what the whole thing was really about. I’ve diversified my porn options and am now exploring my body with another person. It feels great, I don’t think there’s anything better than dry humping naked. Even actual sex, though I haven’t tried that yet. When I started exploring my body with the help of men, it felt more like I was exploring their bodies, because I wasn’t prioritising myself. Then I spoke to my friends, and things changed.
Women need to do more of that. We don’t talk about our sexual lives to each other in the ways that we ought to. Even with older women. No one ever talks about enjoying sex. We talk about all the issues we have with men when it comes to sex and pleasure. I think we need to shift our lens and talk about what we need to do more of. We already know men are terrible with these things; no need to waste time on that.
‘’I have always prioritised my pleasure’’ — Esther 28
My first sexual experience wasn’t the most ideal one. It happened when I was young and obviously wasn’t consensual. When I became an adult, it took me a while to get into things. I always prioritised my pleasure, and I think that helped me be vocal about it as well. It also led to what some people might call a string of bad decisions. Going back to exes because the sex was really good, sleeping with married men or people in relationships.
I was very vocal about these things, and my friends judged me a lot. But the way I saw it, it was a win-win situation for me and these men, sometimes women. They think I made these decisions because of the experiences I had, but I can’t say whether they are right or wrong.
Self-care for me when it comes to sexual activity is getting tested as frequently as I can, and getting all the right treatments and vaccines. I’m also trying to pace myself these days with how frequently I sleep with people. I’m leaning towards celibacy. I haven’t been that big on self-pleasure, but I think it’s something I can get into to fill the drought.
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