Let’s cut the fake moaning and get straight to the point: when it comes to sex, men cross the finish line almost every time, while women are left running laps with no finish line in sight. Statistics tell us that men are getting amazing fireworks, while women? Sometimes, maybe. Sometimes, not at all. The injustice is screaming…or not!
And before you roll your eyes, saying, “But I made her cum”, pause. The orgasm gap is very real and backed up by actual science, cultural silence, and a very shocking neglect of the one organ designed solely for female pleasure, the clitoris.
This is not a “shame all men” article, but a medically backed and loving exposé. We’re talking about what really happens in the body during an orgasm, why women are often left hanging dry, and what we can do to close this gap.
The Science Behind the Big “O”
Let’s put on our nerd glasses for a bit. Medically speaking, an orgasm is a series of rhythmic muscle contractions (approximately every 0.8 seconds) in your pelvic floor, genitals, and sometimes, if it’s that good and the stars align, your whole body.
But before we get to the fireworks, there’s a process your whole body goes through, which is called “The Sexual Response Cycle”. It has 4 stages:
- Excitement: Your body starts revving the engine here. Your heart rate goes faster, nipples become harder, blood flow to your genitals increases, causing an erection or the clitoris to swell up, the vagina can get wet, and basically, you feel all warm and tingly.
- Plateau: The build-up increases during this phase. You’re not quite at the big O yet, but the sensations in the excitement phase intensify, bringing you just to the edge.
- Orgasm: This is the shortest and most intense phase, where all that built-up sexual tension is released. There is a surge of chemicals released, including dopamine (the reward chemical), oxytocin (the cuddle/bonding hormone), and serotonin (the happy and satisfied mood booster). Your blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing are at the highest rates, and your pelvic muscles contract in waves, giving you that leg-shaking, mind-blowing feeling.
- Resolution: Your body gradually winds down and returns to its resting phase, aka, the “post-O blissful glow”, or for some others, the “post-nut clarity” hits, making you rethink all your decisions.
So, Why Do Men Often Orgasm More Than Women?
Let’s start with some receipts because you know we don’t play about those here.
A study showed that heterosexual men reported that they usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate 95% of the time, while for heterosexual women, it was 65%. That’s a whopping 30% gap!
For people with penises, orgasm usually coincides with ejaculation; for those with vaginas, it’s a little more…complicated.
Orgasms can come from clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, a mix of both, or even non-genital triggers, like from the nipples or even sexy dirty talk. The problem is that most straight sex focuses on just penetration alone, but only approximately 20% of women orgasm from just penetration, and about 80% from clitoral stimulation. Are we beginning to see the problem here? Let’s talk about some of the reasons why this gap is still a thing:
Biology Ignorance: There is a belief that women are harder to please because of complicated biology. WRONG! The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice that of the head of the penis! Twice! Yet somehow, here we are still with an orgasm gap. The real issue is that most people don’t know where the clitoris is or don’t care enough about it to give it some loving attention.
Broken Sex-Script: Most sexual encounters follow the same old boring script. Foreplay (if you’re lucky), penetration, the man finishes, and the credits roll out after a very anti-climactic ending. The script rarely prioritises women’s pleasure. Then there is the tired ol’ porn effect with the crazy, unrealistic orgasms.
Fake Orgasms: Approximately 70% of women admit to faking orgasms at some point, and honestly, we sort of get it. Maybe you don’t want to ruin your partner’s ego, or you probably just wanted to put an end to the bad sex. The problem with this is that faking orgasms makes your partner think what they are doing works for you. Fake orgasms keep the no orgasm cycle going. Let’s end it.
Also Read: 6 Things Women Should Know About Sex For Better Experiences
How Do We Fix the Orgasm Gap?
- Talk about it: Be open with your partner. Have honest conversations about what feels good and what doesn’t. Closed mouths don’t get fed, and closed lips don’t get pleased.
- Pre-heat the oven: If you’re about to fry chicken, you don’t just toss it straight from the freezer into cold oil. Great sex with orgasms is similar. Take some time with foreplay to get into the scene, and that includes dirty talk, kissing, touching, and teasing. Arousal, or the excitement stage we learnt about some sections ago, makes it easier for you to achieve orgasm.
- Cliteracy 101: Knowing where the clit is located is the first step. Explore it, learn about it, and show it some love. It’s a great game-changer.
- Ditch the porn script: The no foreplay, fast thrusting, and everyone screaming on cue are not realistic expectations. Explore, have fun, and customise your own script.
- Stop faking it: If you keep faking it, your partner will keep doing the same thing, and nothing will change. Be honest because your pleasure matters too.
Final Thoughts
Closing the orgasm gap isn’t rocket science. With a little more real communication, pleasure, and intimacy, everyone can leave the bedroom feeling like a winner.
Read Next: 6 Things Your Vagina Wishes She Could Tell You
