This article is part of Had I Known, Zikoko’s theme for September 2025, where we explore Nigerian stories of regret and the lessons learnt. Read more Had I Known stories here.
Every troubled relationship has two sides, but oftentimes we only hear stories from the victims, the jilted, the heartbroken. What does it look like when you’re the villain in the story?
In this article, we spoke to Nigerians who admit they’ve hurt their partners and regret it. They share the mistakes they made and how the consequences of those decisions haunt them to this day.
“My wife’s sister might still be alive today if not for me” — Aman*, 52
I live in the US with my wife and kids. Back in 2016, she came to me in tears and told me her sister in Nigeria had been diagnosed with late-stage cervical cancer. She wasn’t getting the urgent treatments she needed back home, and the family thought the best plan was for her to stay with us so she could access advanced care.
The only problem was that her sister and I had never gotten along. She never liked me, and even advised my wife not to marry me. I honestly couldn’t stand her. So, when my wife begged me to let her stay, I flat-out refused. I told her the only way her sister could come was if I moved out of my own house. I didn’t want her in my space, so I basically asked her to choose.
While the family scrambled to find another arrangement and raise money for a place she could stay, months passed, and her condition worsened. She died before they could figure it out.
After her death, my wife resented me deeply, refusing to speak to me. Even though I felt guilty, I insisted she would have died anyway. I never apologised because I didn’t want her to hold it over me. She eventually let it go, but years later, I still wonder if her sister would’ve stayed alive if I hadn’t been so petty.
“I lied to him and invested his savings in a scam” — Mabel*, 46
My marriage is almost perfect. My husband is a good man, and we don’t struggle with money, but I have a problem: I keep falling for Ponzi schemes. The first time was during the MMM era. I emptied our joint account because some of my friends had cashed out, and I believed I could double our money, too. Of course, it all vanished. My husband was angry, but he forgave me because many people fell for it then.
A few years later, in 2020, I fell for a forex Ponzi scheme and did it again. This time, he was furious. We even had a family meeting where separation came up. Eventually, we patched things up on the promise I’d never do Ponzi schemes again, but he became very cautious about how we managed our joint account.
What he doesn’t know is that last year, I fell for another scheme. I took out ₦4 million from the account and lied to him that I wanted to lock our money in treasury bills. Since those are approved by CBN and low-risk, he agreed and gave me the savings he had been building for years. Instead, I invested it in a supposed money market scheme with higher returns because I wanted to start a business. The scheme collapsed, and they disappeared with our money.
Now, the timeframe I gave him has elapsed, and he’s been asking when the treasury bills will mature. I keep giving excuses. He has no idea I also took loans and even used our car as collateral. He still trusts me completely, and that makes me feel worse.
I don’t know how to tell him the truth. I regret everything, but I don’t know if our marriage can survive this one.
“I made her take the fall and get suspended.” — Ebuka*, 25
I got out of a bad relationship in 2021, back in uni, and I carried a revenge mentality into my next one. I told myself I’d be as nonchalant as possible so no one could ever hurt me again. Looking back, that decision ruined everything.
Less than a year later, I met a girl and we started dating. Because it was a Christian university, hanging out in secluded places after hours was strictly forbidden. One night, we were together in one of those spots when security showed up. The officer shone his torch, and without thinking, I ran. I hid and left her there.
She got caught and had to face the school’s disciplinary committee, while I escaped without consequences. She begged me to come forward, but I refused. I told her it wasn’t my fault since I wasn’t the one caught. She eventually took the fall and got suspended. Even after I apologised, she never really got past it. Every time we fought, the suspension would come up again.
Later in 2022, I graduated, and we transitioned to a long-distance relationship. I became even more detached, ignoring her texts for days, sometimes pretending I was sick, or saying I had travelled out of town.
She complained that I was distant, but instead of listening, I gaslit her for nagging, and she ended up apologising. Truthfully, I had started losing interest, but I didn’t want to be the one to end things officially.
Eventually, she got tired and broke up with me. At the time, I didn’t care. But now, with some distance, I see how unfair it was. She was genuinely kind and compromising, and I regret throwing that away. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever meet someone like her again.
“I had an affair while he worked for us abroad” — Zara*, 34
Less than a year into my marriage in 2019, my husband moved to the UK to hustle. It wasn’t his fault, but the distance hit us hard. For nearly four years, we couldn’t see each other because he was an illegal immigrant. We kept up with constant video calls and texts, but I struggled with the lack of intimacy and closeness.
Then sometime in 2022, I got close to a colleague at work, and it turned into an affair. For a long time, I convinced myself it wasn’t so bad because I had waited, my husband was gone, and it almost felt like I wasn’t married. Looking back, that was just me justifying what I knew was wrong.
We ended things in 2023, after about a year and six months, but not for the right reasons. He moved away, and around the same time, my husband came home for the first time during the Christmas holidays.
My husband tells me everything about himself, even about the white woman at his restaurant job who tried to sleep with him and how he quit because of her. I remember feeling crushed with guilt then, especially because he’d been sending money, working hard, and trying to build a life for us. Meanwhile, I had been doing the opposite.
He doesn’t know about it to this day, but I still feel haunted by it. The truth is, I would never want him to do the same thing to me. He’s a very religious man, and I know he’s never even thought of cheating. That’s what makes it worse for me.
“I manipulated him when he caught me cheating” — Nabi*, 29
In 2021, I started dating Idris, who was really sweet at first. But after a while, he got too comfortable in the relationship. He wasn’t putting in effort anymore, and honestly, I started to feel neglected. He was also a workaholic, so he barely had time for me.
Around a year into the relationship, I got closer to a friend of mine, Damian*. He was kind, attentive, and always there when I needed him. One thing led to another, and Damian and I hooked up a couple of times.
Damian assumed I’d leave my boyfriend to be with him, but I didn’t plan to. I reassured him that I loved him too, and he stayed. He was very affectionate, gave me money, and bought me things; all while my boyfriend was still in the picture.
Eventually, someone spotted Damian and me on what looked like a date. It’s a small city, so word got back to Idris. Apparently, he’d seen a picture we took together, and it looked pretty suggestive. When my boyfriend confronted me, I cried and told him it wasn’t what it seemed. I claimed Damian and I were just friends, and he believed me.
Later, when I got bored a few months later, I ended things with Damian. But he didn’t take it well. He got angry and eventually told Idris everything by sharing our chats. That’s how my relationship finally ended. It embarrasses me to this day, and I know it was wrong to play both of them. I regret it deeply.
“I went back on my promise and married another woman.” — Lawal, 48
I met my wife while I was rounding up in school in 2004. We clicked immediately, but the only stumbling block was religion. I’m Muslim, she’s Christian, and when it was time to get married, her family kicked against it. They were convinced I’d eventually marry a second wife, no matter how much I swore I wouldn’t.
We went back and forth, but she stood her ground. She told them I was who she wanted, and eventually, they gave in. We got married, had three kids, and life went on. But over time, I felt the love in our marriage fade. I wasn’t enjoying the relationship as much as I used to.
In 2017, I met another woman. She sold snacks near my workplace, and somehow, I couldn’t resist her.
I fought it at first, remembering the promise I made to my wife, but eventually, I gave in. We started sleeping together, and before long, she began pressuring me to marry her. That’s when I told myself that apart from my promise, nothing else was holding me back. Out of greed, I broke the promise I had made, and I married her.
Breaking the news to my wife was the hardest part. I couldn’t say it directly, so I asked my parents to help me. They refused because they remembered when I swore I wouldn’t take another wife.
I had to tell her myself, and she was crushed. Her parents were furious too. Still, in the end, I had my way and married the second woman.
We don’t all live under the same roof because I know how much my wife resents her. At first, my wife was angry, and I was sure she’d leave me. But she forgave me and stayed.
Juggling two families has been tough on me, and I keep thinking about how unnecessary it all was. If I had just kept my word, I’d be in a better place emotionally and financially.
“I ended our relationship on his birthday” — Amaka*, 22
I got into a short-lived relationship in June 2022. The main issue I had with him was that he had a lot of female friends, and I wasn’t comfortable with that. Over time, I just got tired of the relationship.
Instead of being honest about how I felt, I twisted things. I made him believe he was overthinking, while I kept policing his friendships. It became exhausting for both of us.
But where I really messed up was in the way I ended things. In December of the same year, it was his birthday, and I intentionally chose that day to ghost him. Without an official breakup, I blocked him everywhere. He couldn’t reach me via calls, messages, or even social media.
He resorted to sending me emails, asking me what he had done wrong. I responded by telling him to fuck off. I never gave him closure. For months, he kept trying to reach me, but I completely shut him out.
Looking back, I know it was cruel. Even if my heart was no longer in the relationship, I should have explained myself. He never cheated on me, so he didn’t deserve that kind of ending. I should have been kinder.
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