Sometimes, life puts you in messy situations where you’re not sure if you’re doing the right thing or not. That’s what Na Me F— Up? is about — real Nigerians sharing the choices they’ve made, while you decide if they fucked up or not.
Basit*, 26, thought living with his grandmother during NYSC would be the cheapest and easiest option, but when her illness demanded a level of care he wasn’t prepared to give, he found himself torn between family duty and personal boundaries.
When you’re done reading, you’ll get to decide: Did he fuck up, or not?
This is Basit’s dilemma, as shared with Adeyinka
When I got my NYSC posting to Ogun State, accommodation was the first thing on my mind. I didn’t want to spend my entire allowance on rent, so staying in our family house made the most sense. My paternal grandmother lives there, and even though we’ve never had a particularly close relationship, I convinced myself it would be easy. I’d have my own room, no bills, and a base close to my place of primary assignment.
At first, that’s exactly what it was. She already had a young househelp who catered to most of her needs. My involvement was limited to running errands occasionally, buying small things at the market, helping her reach stuff around the house, or pumping water. I didn’t mind. It felt like the least I could do since I was technically her guest.
Everything changed about two months ago when she fell sick. It wasn’t the kind of sickness that landed her in a hospital, but it affected her mobility so much that even basic tasks became difficult. Suddenly, things like going to the toilet were no longer easy. She started using a bucket for number one and two, and whoever was around had to empty it.
I didn’t think too much about it the first few times. Emptying her urine bucket wasn’t pleasant, but it was manageable. The problem came when it was number two. I won’t lie, it was a struggle for me. I’d hold my breath, rush through it, and just pray I wouldn’t throw up. I did it a few times because I didn’t want to seem wicked, but it weighed on me mentally every time.
Then one of my aunties came visiting, and everything escalated. She saw the situation and was very upset. In her words, “This woman carried all of you on her back. Is this how you want her to end her days?” I stayed quiet because I didn’t want to argue. But then she turned to me and said I had to start bathing my grandmother. Not just bathing her, she specifically said I should use warm water and a towel to clean her entire body, including her breasts and private parts.
That was the line I knew I couldn’t cross. She’s my grandmother. I’m her grandson. I don’t think it’s right for me to handle her body in that way, especially not her intimate parts. It’s too personal. It feels inappropriate. And honestly, it made me extremely uncomfortable just hearing it.
I told my aunt I couldn’t do it. She didn’t take it well. She accused me of being selfish and said I was abandoning my responsibility as the only grandson staying in the house. Since then, the rest of the family has joined in. I get calls every few days from uncles and aunties, each one telling me how heartless I am and how my grandmother would have done anything for me if the roles were reversed.
The truth is, I already feel guilty. Every time I walk past her room, I know she needs more than I’m giving. But does that mean I should force myself into a role I can’t mentally or emotionally handle? Why can’t they hire a proper caregiver? Someone trained for this exact situation? It’s not like she doesn’t have children who can afford it. But for some reason, they think the responsibility automatically falls on me because I’m living with her.
My parents understand my point, but they’re not standing firmly with me either. They don’t want to be seen as going against the larger family, so they tell me things like, “Try small,” or “Don’t mind your aunties, just manage it for now.” It’s frustrating because they know what it feels like to be pressured into doing something that eats at you.
I’ve now decided to move out. I’m looking for a small one-room apartment close to my PPA. It means spending more than I planned, but I can’t keep living under this pressure. Of course, the family isn’t making it easy. Word has gone round that I’m running away and leaving my grandmother to suffer. One uncle even told me I’ll regret it one day when she dies, and I realise I didn’t do enough.
My family thinks I’m selfish, and maybe they’re right in their own eyes. But I don’t see it that way. I’ve helped in the little ways I could, but bathing my grandmother and handling her private parts is not something I can do.
If they care as much as they claim, they should contribute money to hire someone trained for the job. Instead, they want to guilt-trip me into it because I’m the one with her.
Now, I have sleepless nights wondering if refusing to bathe my grandmother makes me a bad grandson.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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