For Shalewa* (28), a 15-month relationship taught her more about manipulation, gaslighting and lies than she’d ever experienced in her life. From constant red flags to a chaotic breakup that ended with her walking in on her ex in bed with another woman, she shares how it all happened and why she’s now paying more attention to her peace of mind than empty promises.
This is Shalewa’s story, as told to Adeyinka
I met Toba* through a mutual friend. We’d known each other in passing for about two years before we officially started dating. He was a friend of a friend; nothing deep. I never really thought much of him, but we became friends over time. We talked more, got closer, and eventually, in December 2023, we started dating.
I didn’t go into the relationship expecting drama. I was intentional about protecting my peace and just enjoying a good relationship. But within the first three months, I started noticing the small lies, weird patterns, things that didn’t add up. I had no concrete proof, but my instincts told me something wasn’t right.
Sometimes I confronted him. Other times, I overlooked it, especially for my mental health, because this man was a master manipulator. He had this way of turning things around and making me feel like I was imagining things. If you’re not mentally strong, someone like that can make you question your sanity.
I tried to leave that relationship three times. I’d tell him straight up: “This isn’t working for me. If you feel like I’m not what you want in a woman, let’s go our separate ways.” I didn’t see relationships as do-or-die. But every time, Toba would come back with the same apologies. He’d cry, claim he was going through things he couldn’t fully explain and promise we could fix things together. Because I loved him, I’d take him back. I thought, maybe, just maybe, things could work out.
They never did.
There were so many moments that made my chest tighten. Like seeing WhatsApp chats between him and his neighbours, where he bragged about “banging a girl all night”, going into details about how the doggy was amazing. All this while we were sleeping together unprotected, only relying on withdrawal. But then I’d go to his house and find packs of condoms in his drawer.
It wasn’t adding up. His friends were married, so it wasn’t like they were coming over to sleep with random women. I confronted him multiple times, but his excuses were so ridiculous that I can’t remember half of them. He’d say things like, “They’ve been there for long” or “I got them as samples”. Nonsense.
The worst part was seeing how he’d play single in his DMs. I’d see chats with other girls, him calling them pet names and planning dates. And every time I caught him, the love-bombing would follow. He’d start with, “You’re the one I want to build an empire with,” and “We’re aligned in our ambitions; we could be that power couple.” I wanted to believe it, but then I’d see him running around with women who didn’t align with anything he claimed to value.
I once caught him flirting with the lady who sells ugwu in the market. Another time it was some random babe who looked so out of place in every sense — intellectually, socially, everything. The final straw before our breakup was catching him in bed with a lady who ran a small kiosk selling skincare products.
It was confusing. How do you call me your future, then disrespect me like this?
The last breakup happened after another fight. I don’t even remember the trigger; I just knew I was done. I walked away. Of course, he didn’t take it lying down. He kept calling, sending long messages, promising to do better. I wasn’t moved, but I didn’t block him because we were working on a project together.
One Sunday morning in April 2025, he called me for over an hour before church, begging to try again. He said he couldn’t live without me and that I was everything he wanted. He even wanted us to see later that evening. I agreed. Then, when it was almost time, he cancelled. He said he had to visit his mum.
The next day was a public holiday. He called again, sounding all emotional, saying we should spend time together and talk things through. Still, I was calm, reminding myself we were broken up.
Later that day, we spoke again, this time about the project. Mid-conversation, I heard a woman’s voice in the background. Out of curiosity, I asked who it was. He casually said, “That’s my girlfriend.” It wasn’t the first time he’d done that — joke about having a girlfriend when a woman was around just to piss me off. But something about that moment didn’t sit right with me. For the first time, I acted on impulse. I got dressed and went to his house unannounced. And what did I find? Toba, lying in bed with a woman.
I kept my cool because we weren’t together anymore. I said hi to the girl and apologised for barging in. She told me she knew me because Toba always talked about me. I asked her what he said, and she replied, “He said you’re just his colleague.” My jaw dropped. She said they’d been dating for six months.
You’d think the embarrassment would make him shut up, but Toba still tried to manipulate the situation. He said I had no right to show up, that I was being dramatic and trying to ruin his relationship.
That was when it truly hit me: some men will move mad regardless of how much grace you give them. I felt embarrassed, not because of him but because I had allowed myself to stay for so long, thinking I could change him.
But I’ve learnt. These days, I don’t argue with red flags anymore. I don’t negotiate my peace of mind. I’m done letting anyone make me feel like my instincts are wrong. Because every time, they’ve been right.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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