Tsemaye* (20) has had a turbulent relationship with her mother since her childhood. It was a reality she navigated gently until her mum decided to marry the person who was sexually harassing her. She decided to cut her off, and she isn’t looking back.
This is Tsemaye’s story as told to Betty:
My relationship with my mum has always been rough. Even in my earliest childhood memories, she criticised me and my actions, far more than either of my older brothers. From six, she would make me join her in the kitchen while my brothers enjoyed football matches on TV. She never admitted it was because I was the only daughter. She’d just tell me to ‘stand there and watch what she was doing.’ If I didn’t, she yelled or punished me.
My relationship with my dad wasn’t any better. He terrorised our family for most of my childhood, even though he had money. He abused my mum physically, emotionally and verbally. I still remember mornings when he beat my mum before we left for school. One of the worst happened when he got upset at my mum and sent us packing at midnight. He didn’t care about our safety. My brothers and I refused to return to the house, and that finally pushed my mum to go through with the divorce.
When my parents split up, I felt ecstatic. I threw myself into school work to distract myself from the dysfunction and unhappiness at home. For a long time, it worked. The divorce from my dad was a way to finally have some stability at home with my mum and brothers.
I got into university at fifteen and started living away from home. While I was in school, my mum told me she had reconnected with an old classmate, Fidelis*, a pastor in another city. She clearly wanted me to know she was dating again, and I felt happy for her. After everything with my dad, she deserved to experience love again. I couldn’t meet Fidelis in person because of school, but she gave him my number so we could speak occasionally. At first, I didn’t see a problem with that. But after a while, Fidelis started acting inappropriately.
It started when I was 17, during the 2021 December break. Fidelis would call and ask uncomfortable questions like, “Have you ever kissed a boy?” or “Do you like boys?” The questions made me feel weird but I dismissed them as bad jokes at first. But he kept going.
Fast forward to July 2022, I came home for the holidays and met him in person for the first time. We were alone in the living room because my brothers and mum were elsewhere. Then, he started touching me. At first, they were light touches, but he tried to grope harder even as I pushed his hands away. I felt so disgusted and couldn’t believe the man dating my mum would behave like that. Luckily, my brother walked in and he stopped. I told my brothers what happened, and after that, I refused to stay alone with him.
But even after sharing what happened with my brothers, I couldn’t bring myself to share with my mum. I didn’t want to hurt her with the truth after everything she went through with my dad. I simply hoped Fidelis would leave me alone, but he didn’t.
After I returned to school, he bombarded me with calls and texts. He offered to send me money to leave school and fly to his city several times. He told me to hide what was going on from my mum, and continued with disgusting messages about what he’d like to do to my body. That was my last straw. This man was in his fifties, saying all these horrible things to a teenager.
I recorded the calls, took screenshots of the texts and sent them to my mum. She was heartbroken, and it saddened me to watch her go through a pain like that again. In October 2022, My mum and brothers confronted Fidelis about the harassment, and he didn’t deny what he did, he just looked away sheepishly. She promised she had blocked Fidelis and wouldn’t see him again. I felt bad, but also relieved. I thought she had finally realised he was a bad choice. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
A few days later, a distant aunt I barely knew called me and rained curses on me. She accused me of ruining my mum’s chance at love. She claimed I seduced Fidelis and said that even if he harassed me, all I had to do was refuse him and let my mum continue the relationship. The details she shared made it obvious my mum had twisted the story. I was shocked and hurt.
I finally blocked Fidelis, something I should have done earlier, but he kept reaching out through strange numbers. It became overwhelming. I buried myself in school work as a coping mechanism, and avoided breaks as much as possible because I didn’t want to go home.
When I spoke with my mum again on the phone a few weeks after, she claimed an ‘apostle’ told her I placed a spiritual mark on her to stop her from remarrying. I couldn’t understand why I was the villain for speaking up about the harassment. So, I cut off communication with my mum while I remained in school. Thankfully, my dad sent upkeep money, so I survived without her. During the 2023 summer break, I went home and saw a gold band on her finger. My brothers told me she had secretly gotten married to Fidelis. That disappointed me, and I decided I didn’t want her in my life anymore.
Unsurprisingly, the marriage was short-lived. By the December break, she wasn’t wearing the band anymore. I didn’t bother asking why because she said everything was my fault.
My brothers and I later found out Fidelis lied about his divorce from his first wife, so his marriage to my mum wasn’t valid. We also found out he had faced accusations of molesting a teen in his church.
Despite all this, my mum still insists I’m a bad person for cutting her off. She recently called my friend to complain that I abandoned her after everything she sacrificed for me and my brothers.
I moved out of the house as soon as I graduated, and my mum left the country a few months later. Our relationship hasn’t improved. She has never apologised for marrying the man who molested me. She still calls and tries to emotionally blackmail me into forgiving her, but I can’t.
I’m not financially dependent on her anymore, and I’m keeping it that way. Her choices have put my siblings and me in danger in the past; I won’t give her that chance again. I’m choosing myself and peace.
READ NEXT: 6 Nigerians Share Why They Got Disowned
