Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
What do you do when love shows up before you’re ready for it?
When Evelyn*(28) started dating Dami*(30), she was sure she was ready for something serious. She didn’t mean to break Dami’s heart, but when it came down to choosing between vulnerability and silence, she froze. Now she mourns the end of their relationship.
How did you meet Dami?
I met him at a mutual friend’s house in October 2021. I was going there to charge my devices because I didn’t have light at my side. It turned out that we lived in the same area, so he was also there to charge his laptop. We started talking, and even though we had just met, it felt like talking to an old friend. We exchanged numbers and started talking every day.
That’s so cute. How did you guys start dating?
On Valentine’s Day in 2022, he sent me a box of cupcakes with an adorable card attached asking me to be his girlfriend. Of course, I said yes.
What was dating him like?
He was the perfect romantic boyfriend. He would come to see me often, pick flowers that grew on the roadside for me when we walked past them, and he always opened doors for me. He was attentive and sweet, and I daydreamed about spending forever with him.
So what was the problem?
Unfortunately, I was the problem. In June 2022, Dami sat me down and told me he was serious about our relationship and wanted us to get married in a few years. He asked for my preferred timeline, and my mind drew a blank. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, but I was afraid of what a permanent relationship like a marriage would be like with the two of us. So I told him I’d get back to him on the timeline and started ghosting him.
Whoa. How did he take it?
He was very worried at first. He would try to reach me by calling or texting several times, but I would air them for hours or days after. Once, he sent me a voice message asking if he had offended me because my attitude toward him had changed so much. I never answered it. Later, he was just angry and sad.
Why didn’t you talk to him about feeling overwhelmed?
I didn’t want him to look at me and see a weak person with emotional issues. I thought I could handle it, and we would eventually bounce back, but that never happened. My indecisiveness went on for months, and things got worse.
How so?
Dami finally had enough in January 2023. I was supposed to spend crossover night with him but I ghosted him again. He left me a bitter voice message that night saying he didn’t think I cared about him and that we should take some time away from our relationship. I didn’t respond to that message either.
What was going through your mind when you left his messages unanswered?
Nothing sinister. I thought I’d have a better response at a later time, so I kept procrastinating. I felt terrible when he sent me messages talking about how sad my coldness made him. However, being vulnerable with him was too scary for me to handle, so I thought it would be easier to avoid the feelings entirely.
Was it easier?
Not really. It’s more like the feelings were suppressed and every time I try to resolve them, I’d get overwhelmed.
How did you handle the break-up?
Like I said, I didn’t respond to his break-up message. I hoped that we would somehow find our way back to each other, and I left the issue alone for a few months. When I tried to talk to my friend about it, she said I needed therapy and if I wasn’t going to be emotionally present for my boyfriend, then I was better off single. Her statement stung, but it rang true. I have remained single since then, and I’ve been seeing a therapist when I can afford it. It’s been helping a little.
What about Dami?
Dami moved on and started posting a babe that I assume is his new girlfriend on Instagram in late 2024. I’ve been getting terribly jealous even though I know I don’t have the right to be. I’m glad he’s happy, but I wish things had gone differently and he could have been that sort of happy with me.
Would you get back together with him if you had the chance to?
If my therapist tells me that I’m no longer emotionally avoidant, I’ll run back to Dami immediately. I wouldn’t get back together with him otherwise. He deserves happiness, and when he was with me, I don’t think I gave him that.
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