*Lola knows the dating world well, and at 22, she’s done with the games. After being emotionally drained by several relationships, she’s rewriting the rules entirely on her own terms. She opens up about why she doesn’t regret her complicated entanglements, and how she’s kept her love life anything but boring.
What’s your relationship status?
I’m single, even though my ex and I are talking again. But I prefer it this way. I don’t think I have the emotional range for a relationship right now. Being single is just easier.
Why’s that?
I’ve been in quite a few relationships in the last two years, and I’ve realised most Nigerian men — even the progressive ones — think relationships are about control. I’ve had enough of that.
I also get irritated easily. If I stop liking someone, it shows. I’ve learnt to protect myself by keeping my options open. I might be talking to multiple guys, but there’s always one I like more. I let everyone know their place. Sometimes, I tell a guy we’ve broken up just to exit before I actually end things mentally.
What usually triggers that exit?
Two things: either I stop feeling valued, or they get possessive and start discussing marriage. With younger guys, it’s usually the former.
I dated an artist briefly in 2023. He was nonchalant and would rarely plan outings. So, when he promised me a Valentine’s Day outing and a gift, I was excited. But he cancelled at the last minute because he was ‘busy painting’. When I asked about the gift, he said I was materialistic. That was it for me. I didn’t leave immediately, but I checked out emotionally.
I met *Isaac, an upcoming musician, around the same time. We met at a games night and hooked up that same night. I didn’t expect it to go anywhere, but it did.
It was a toxic cycle — he’d go cold, then love-bomb me. I supported his music and was open about how I felt about him. I would do stupid things, like use the money another man gave me to buy him Canadian loud. Once, I slept over and met his parents in the morning. They were very casual and didn’t even ask my name. Later, he admitted he told them I was ‘just a friend.’ That really got to me.
Isaac’s birthday was the beginning of the end. He planned a private hangout and had sex with another girl just because I wasn’t in the mood. I felt so disrespected. I had a friend come pick me up. He chased me and said he only had oral with her, then, to my shock, added that he wanted us to do a threesome, but the girl didn’t swing that way. I was stunned. I’d never even given the impression I was into that. That was my last straw, and the last time I was fully committed to someone. Besides, I was already talking to *Chuks. My friend introduced us, and even though he was based abroad, it felt refreshing. I think I was just looking for someone who didn’t make me feel so disposable.
That sounds like a lot. How did it go with Chuks?
That became my longest relationship, even though we never met in person. We stayed together for a whole year. The beginning was very sweet; we FaceTimed every day. But everything changed when Chuks got locked out of his bank accounts due to fraud allegations. He became insecure and controlling, probably because he couldn’t sponsor my outings anymore. Suddenly, my love for going out and partying became a problem.
We fought constantly, so I started hiding my whereabouts. About two weeks later, he confronted me with a video he’d seen on someone’s page — I was in the club the same night I told him I was asleep. His approach felt manipulative, so I knew it was time to start planning my exit. I started talking to other people and realised I preferred older men. They are more mature— until they want to own you and start bringing up marriage. Then I run.
There was one I called Odogwu. He was in his 40s. We never had the “Will you be my girlfriend?” talk. He just became possessive and started acting like we were dating. One day, he insisted I tell everyone at work he was my boyfriend. That was how I found out we were dating.
The red flag? He told me he left a four-year relationship because his ex wanted marriage, but he couldn’t because his older siblings weren’t married yet. Then, some weeks later, he said he wanted to marry me. I was honest from the start, and I didn’t like the inconsistency. We fizzled out after a while.
The only older man who was different was my most recent ex, *Kola. He’s my best yet and the one I’m most attached to. I don’t care that he now calls me his ‘crazy ex’.
What made him special?
Kola was a rollercoaster, but I really believed he was my soulmate. We met last October at a karaoke night after my NYSC Passing Out Parade. I’d had a few drinks, and he kept sending people over to ask for my number. I eventually gave in so they’d leave me alone.
He texted, but I forgot about him until he texted again on New Year’s Day. We started talking properly, and a few days later, he flew me out to Abuja. We spent three days there. I found out he was divorced with kids, but I didn’t mind — he was kind, mature, and fun.
On the last day of the trip, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him I had a long-distance boyfriend, but he said he’d win me over. That confidence was a turn-on. I decided he’d be my last bus stop.
After I left my job, he offered to put me on a salary. I declined, so he got me a job at his friend’s office and topped up the salary himself. It was sweet, but also marked the beginning of our issues. We fought, and Kola said I had the same red flags as his ex-wife. Things got rocky after that, so I quit the job. We kept trying, but we clashed often. We were too similar in our ways. Eventually, he ended things over text after one final fight. He said I’d become too needy.
I didn’t take the breakup well. For a while, I kept drunk-texting him. It took a lot of moral support from my friends to stop.
Are you two still in touch?
Yes, actually. He’s hinting that he wants me back, but I think we’re better as friends. I’m only entertaining it because I want closure on my terms. I wasn’t ready when he ended it.
Right. What do you think is the hardest part of dating now?
The games. You can’t show too much interest or reply too fast. You’re also not allowed to make mistakes. It’s exhausting. Men have lost the art of wooing. Everything feels like a performance now. My friends always say, “Don’t show all your cards.” What does that even mean?
Has this altered the way you think about love?
Yes. I love hard, but I find myself holding back just to play the game. If I ever find someone who gets me, I’ll love them deeply. But right now? I’m keeping my heart to myself. When I leave the streets, it’ll be for someone I see a real future with, and can build a family with. If I can’t see you as the father of my kids, there’s no point in dating you.
So, how would you say the streets are treating you? Rate it on a scale of 1-10
A solid 7/10. It’s fun and low effort. I get to walk away when I want. And right now, that’s exactly where I want to be.
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