If you’ve been on Elon Musk’s X in the last 24 hours, you’d know that there’s only one question keeping grown human men up right now: Can 100 of them defeat a Gorilla?
While some people are doubting our collective strength, they clearly haven’t met Nigerian men on the battlefield. If push comes to shove, here’s how Nigerian men will deliver success on a platter.
1. Recruit That Gorilla-Walking Guy From Social Media as Our Team Captain
If anybody can face a gorilla, it’s the guy who has been practising slow-motion gorilla movements for clout online. It’s time for him to graduate from social media to the real battlefield.
How to execute:
Find his house address and draft him for duty. Pump him full with three bottles of Energy drink and a Bluetooth speaker blasting “Laho” to boost morale. His job? Distract the gorilla by doing those TikTok gorilla moves until the animal gets confused and mirrors him.
Risk Level:
Gorilla joins the dance battle: 50%.
Gorilla realises it’s been taken for a fool and rips uncle apart 50%.
2. Find That One Uncle Who Claims He Can Beat a Lion
Listen, there’s always that uncle in every Nigerian family who low-key wants to cosplay Daniel in the Lion’s den. This is his time to shine. Not with a lion, but a Gorilla.
How to execute:
Locate the family uncle. They’re usually the ones who decided to stay back in the village when every other family member embraced civility and moved to the city. Make him the assistant captain.
Risk Level:
10% chance of the gorilla surrendering immediately out of confusion.
90% chance the uncle becomes a motivational speaker mid-fight.
3. Start with 20 Minutes of Empty Hype and Shouting
If you understand anything about fights, you’ll know it goes beyond throwing hands and legs. Confidence is the first weapon, and who better to raise the morale than Yoruba “Egbon Adugbos?”
How to execute:
Get a dozen “Egbon Adugbos” to form a big circle and start chanting things like, “We no go gree o, we no go gree. Gorilla kingdom, we no go gree” They must beat chests, slap foreheads, and flex imaginary muscles while at it. Make the gorilla question its life choices.
Risk Level:
Gorilla is 40% intimidated, 60% sizing everyone up for breakfast.
4. Activate Gym Bros Shouting “Beast Mode!”
The bigger the distraction, the more confused and intimidated the Gorilla. If you already have a dozen Yoruba men pretending to thicken the plot, top that up with shirtless and seriously ripped gym bros who lift generator and car engines for fun. Use them wisely.
How to execute:
Get the gym bros to flex their biceps, scream “Ahoo! Ahoo!” and charge at the gorilla like it’s leg day. Maximum testosterone must flood the air.
Risk Level:
Gorilla feels slight fear 25%.
Gym bros get flung like frisbees 75%.
5. Distract the Gorilla With Food
If all the distractions fail, activate plan B, but before then, what do big ass apes even eat? Banana? Plantains? Fisherman soup? Whatever it is, pump it full with Canadian loud, add a side of monkey tail and watch the Lord fight the battles before y’all even step into the ring.
How to execute:
Appoint one man to wave the food like a peace offering. When the gorilla reaches for it, signal the team to throw a massive net over it. Bundle that ape up once it’s asleep and ship it off to the Yankari Games Reserve
Risk Level:
Gorilla gets distracted 50%.
Distractor gets eaten 50%.
6. Confuse the Gorilla With Incantations
Listen, spiritual warfare must complete the physical battle.
How to execute:
Get the traditional elders to start chanting incantations aggressively. Bonus if one of them carries palm fronds and beats the floor while chanting. If the gorilla isn’t confused, then maybe we are the problem.
Risk Level:
Gorilla becomes spiritually disoriented 40%.
Gorilla ain’t impressed 60%.
7. Make the Gorilla-Walking Guy Our Decoy to Confuse the Gorilla
This is chess, not checkers. And you know what they say about saving the best for the last? Exactly. This is the point where we use gorilla-uncle as bait to create emotional confusion.
How to execute:
Dress him up in a black agbada and place him directly in front of the gorilla. If the real gorilla believes it has just seen its long-lost cousin from Ibadan zoo, it may hesitate long enough for the rest of us to attack.
Risk Level:
Gorilla offers a peace handshake 50%.
Humans claim ultimate victory 50%.
ALSO READ: 6 Nigerians Talk About Being Chased By Animals And Why They Hate Them
