1. Realizing those bowls of eba and slices of pizza have started taking you away from the road to FitFam.
This food will not eat itself please.
2. Staying calm and minding your business until Lagos traffic made you insult everybody around you.
Lagos traffic is not for the meek.
3. Getting tired on the first day of work after resolving to be more diligent at the office.
Can we have another public holiday next week please?
4. Skipping the first Friday/Sunday service of the year even though you planned to be more religious throughout the year.
Shebi God will understand now.
5. Already getting curved by a potential bae and it’s not even February yet.
Perhaps I will be alone forever?
6. Getting too drunk on 1st of January after resolving to quit alcohol.
This life is per head abeg.
7. Resetting all the 5 alarms that woke you up every morning of the past year.
5 more minutes of sleep please.
8. When you have already given up on having a tidy room for the rest of the year.
I can’t kill myself abeg.
9. When fuel scarcity and inflation are already preventing you from that good life you planned on having.
Hay God!
10. When you’re already too broke to start meeting your savings goals.
Cries in empty bank account.
How many of your resolutions have you kept or failed at? Let us know.
1. Mother nature beautiful as she may be, can decide to call at a very awkward place and time.
Great timing nature, just great!
2. So you run to the nearest public restroom to answer nature’s call.
Hay God! This thing must not drop in my pants.
3. When the putrid smell of urine hits you in the face at the entrance.
Hanhan! What a welcome present!
4. Then the porter lists the toilet rate and refuses to let you in without change.
This is an emergency, have mercy.
5. Finding a big blob of poop staring at you from the toilet seat.
I am scarred for life.
6. Finding someone peeping in at you.
Please tuck your amebo in.
7. Taking different positions so the water doesn’t splash on you.
8. And when you’re taking a dump, you beg all the gods of sanitarium to work miracles.
Father, make them smell roses.
9. Finding out there’s no toilet paper right after relieving yourself.
Hay god!
10. Wondering if you’ve contracted one or two bacterial infections.
To visit the doctor or not.
So did we miss anything?
1. Whenever you remember our politicians are literally the worst.
No seriously, will you die if you fix the roads?
2. When everything, somehow, someway always boils down to tribe and religion.
One would think that 55 years after independence we would get along better, but no, we’re still squabbling like it’s 1960.
3. When you think about the internet struggle.
One minute you’re watching that video that everyone on Twitter is talking about, next minute all your airtime is gone.
4. When you remember our outrageously expensive National Assembly.
Why are they so many? Why do they cost us so much? Why do they receive so many allowances? What do they actually do to earn all that money?
5. When you can’t even remember a Nigeria without generator noise.
Those things are so noisy! How is everyone in Nigeria not mad and deaf yet?
6. When you have to suffer the fake, ear-bleeding accents of our radio and TV personalities.
Yeah, we get it. You’re an ‘ajebutter’, you’re posh and all of that, but please can you stop?
7. Whenever you remember the value of the naira.
1 Dollar = N199.25; 1 Pound = N305.45; 1 Euro = N220.11. #dasall
8. When it feels like all Government agencies are in some grand conspiracy to frustrate us.
NYSC registration? Getting a new passport? Renewing your driver’s license? Prepare to be frustrated. Do I really need to give you my name, age, address and colour of my underwear again?
9. When no one you know seems to mind their business.
How does it really concern you that he doesn’t have a wife yet? Or that your neighbour’s daughter has pink hair? Or that I did not go to church?
10. When you realize that you are your own government.
You provide everything for yourself, electricity, water, healthcare, education, security and even roads. Explain to me why we have a government again?
11. When you have to travel by air.
You’ve either been a victim of Nigerian air travel or you know someone who has. If your flight isn’t taking off 7hours late, you’re in Calabar and your luggage is in Yola.
12. Whenever you have to enter public transport.
The whole thing is just a nightmare.
13. When you have to deal with a police officer.
Am I the only one afraid of the police? There are good ones dedicated to their jobs, sure, but the rest…#nocomment.
14. When you don’t get why Landlords ask for 2 years rent upfront.
…and that’s minus the host of other fees.
15. When it dawns on you that you live in constant fear of one chance and armed robbers.
Do I really need to elaborate on this?
Let’s face it, being Nigerian is hard and stressful and some days you wish you could relocate to some remote island and forget about everything…
But the truth of the matter is that, Nigeria is home and even though we have so many problems, these problems make us stronger and give us insane survival skills…
And besides, can you imagine life without party jollof and small chops?
Written by Zikoko Contributor @IdomaGirl.
