relationships | Page 108 of 110

1. Create ‘Our relationship’ WhatsApp group, then leave it.

Wow…the game keeps changing ey!😂😂😂😂😮 pic.twitter.com/k3FUiZrzIO
— Grootman Itu (@ItuMahuma_) October 8, 2016

2. Start acting like a crazy person and turn everything into a fight.

Scatter the place! He will leave by himself!
3. Update your Facebook relationship status to ‘Single’.

He will get the message loud and clear!
4. Tell him you’re ready to get married and watch him turn to Usain Bolt.

Especially if you know he’s a fuckboy who wants to marry when he’s 40!
5. Tell him you’re joining the feminist movement and you’re going to stop all the cooking.

They never wanna hear that!
6. Sharpen your ghost mode skills.

Just disappear. No explanations, nothing.
7. Don’t stress yourself: just text them ‘it’s over’, and unlook.

Save yourself all the cry cry, abeg.
8. Tell your friends to do it for you.

Because 3 or 4 more mouths are better than 1!
P.S If you’ve ever done any of this donate your heart to someone who needs it. ASAP!
1. How you sleep knowing nobody is out there cheating on you or embarrassing you.

Like a baby!
2. When a cute person asks you out on a date, you’re like:

No bae to get upset!
3. When another person asks you out, you’re also like:

Because you belong to nobody and everybody!
4. When you can go out without having to check on someone else!

“It’s my life!”
5. When your friends are crying about their relationship problems, you’re just there like:

“I’m so sorry I can’t relate!”
6. When your mates are out there getting their hearts broken, you are busy smiling through life like:

“Once again, I can’t relate!”
7. When you can save your money because you don’t need to worry about dates, gifts and credit.

No money to waste!
8. When your friends who are a couple invite you as a third wheel on dates and pay for you.

Yes, pity me please!
9. When they are talking about relationship issues in church/mosque and it doesn’t concern you.

Next topic please!
10. When you are asked to travel for job opportunities and you don’t have to consider anyone else:

We move!
1. They have started doing funky hairstyles.

They are now looking fine for someone else!
2. They are no longer changing their hairstyle.

Someone has told them they love his hairstyle on them.
3. They no longer answer you when you talk.

They’ve spent all their energy talking to someone else.
4. They have started talking too much.

Someone has been encouraging them to speak more.
5. They are always smiling.

Ask them who is making them so happy oh!
6. They are always frowning.

Because your face is now irritating them all the time.
7. They never buy you anything but they are always broke.

Who is chopping the money please?
8. They now have so much money it’s pouring everywhere.

So who is giving them all this money?
9. They are always hiding to talk on the phone.

Very good! Who are you talking to?
10. When they are on the phone, they laugh too much.

What is funny please?
1. When you say you’re hungry and he suggests you drink water

What kind of human being is this one?
2. When he tries to pick fights close to valentines day so he doesn’t have to buy you a present.

Olodo! This plan cannot work.
3. When he pays for something and keeps bringing it up over and over and over again.

Let’s hear word please!
4. When your friends ask you what he got you for your birthday and you’re too ashamed to say.

“He bought me recharge card”.
5. When your mother sees you with him, she’s like:

“When will you leave this useless boy alone?”
6. When he’s stingy even with compliments.

“You are looking okay sha.”
7. When you are trying to break up with him and he starts calculating all the money he has spent on you.

Is this one okay at all?
8. When after all the calculations ,the money is not up to 5000 naira.

After 2 years of dating? Please come and see oh!
1. First of all, you must have a backup girlfriend or boyfriend.

#1000WaysToBeSingle having one girlfriend or boyfriend. What if the person dies? Always have a backup.
— Prof Nanguti (@ProfNanguti) September 17, 2016

2. You can’t tell your babe you don’t have money; don’t you know how to steal or do yahoo yahoo?

#1000WaysToBeSingle Telling her "babe i don't have money at the moment "
— Gatusso (@GatussoJr_) September 17, 2016

3. You can’t be waiting for the right person: grab the wrong one like hot cake!

#1000WaysToBeSingle waiting for the right person.
— Prof Nanguti (@ProfNanguti) September 17, 2016

4. If your girlfriend is mad at you, we advise you NOT TO BREATHE! She will kill you!

When she is mad and you are breathing next to her #1000WaysToBeSingle
— Rachel (@NjeriRach) September 17, 2016

5. Tell him you’re allergic to food whenever he takes you out.

https://twitter.com/nangutikevin/status/777055193418625024

6. Never ask your babe to pay the bills: you can sweep the restaurant or wash plates.

https://twitter.com/ElviSymo/status/777055379616305152

7. You can’t use earphones if you’re single, how will you hear people toasting you?

Always wearing earphones so no one can talk to you 😂 #1000WaysToBeSingle
— Dandelion❤🌸 (@uCindyKubheka) September 17, 2016

8. Don’t even try buying your girl flowers, who flowers epp?

https://twitter.com/thetruesherif/status/777070563563110400

9. Even if the hair is rubbish, just says it’s fine.

Not complimenting her when she gets a new hairstyle 😒#1000WaysToBeSingle
— Lisa (@QueenNeli) September 17, 2016

10. If you’re single, stand outside your house where people can see and toast you.

https://twitter.com/sthamancu/status/777087682732298244

11. Don’t text your crush first, you’ll look desperate.

When u always text ur #MCM first #1000WaysToBeSingle
— happy child (@Gihanajudith) September 19, 2016

12. ‘Broke’ cannot exist in your dictionary, you have to be rich by force.

Be BROKE. There is nothing a broke person can offer interms of today's idea of LOVE #1000WaysToBeSingle
— Mutea Evans (@MuteaEvans) September 17, 2016
1. Call him “big head”. It’s a nationally accepted term of endearment!

when a Nigerian girl calls you BIG HEAD….
The ultimate term of endearment.
— director x (@maniofficial_ng) May 20, 2016

You see! No need for the name his parents gave him.
2. When he comes to talk to you, your face should be like:

As if you’ve smelt something bad and he is the cause.
3. If he asks you out, say no.

If he is serious he will come back again.
4. When someone suggests you just say it plainly, you’re like:

So that he will now be proud?
5. When he cracks a joke, you’re like:

Especially if you find it funny!
6. How you indicate interest:

Normal girl: Do you have a girlfriend?

Nigerian girl: This one you are texting me. Hope someone will not pour acid on my face?
— Bamz (@NomskyN) August 11, 2016

Very important!
1. When you say hello with all the love in your heart and they reply normally.

Ahn ahn!
2. When you try to flirt and they are just looking.

Mr man you better participate!
3. When they refer to you as a “great friend”.

Not only friend.
4. When they now graduate from calling you their friend to saying you are like their brother/sister.

Please I know the number of children my mother had and you are not among oh!
5. When they come and start asking you for relationship advice.

Take your problems to God because me I am ready to scatter the relationship.
6. When they say “whoever you end up with will be very lucky”.

It better be you oh!
7. When you meet their boyfriend or girlfriend you’re like:

“Nice to meet you too.”
8. When they finally seem to be responding to your advances.

Success at last!
9. Then you find out it’s because they were fighting with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Kuku kill me oh!
10. When you are now over them and they start liking you, you’re like:

You better leave here!
1. How he approaches you:

Full of swagger and confidence!
2. When he sees you in public, he’s like:

“Baby girl how far?”
3. When you say you’re not interested, he’s like:

“That’s what they all say at first.”
4. When you say you have a boyfriend, he’s like:

“And so what?”
5. When he tells you he has never met a girl like you.

Lie lie!
6. How he plans all the messages he sends to you:

Which one will be the most effective?
7. How he is around other girls:

His eye cannot stay in one place!
8. His preferred look when he is coming to confuse you:

White trad gang!
9. When he reaches his final form.

Now you are really in trouble!
10. When he is trying to convince you he loves you.

After 2 whole weeks abi?
11. When you start responding positively to his advances and he starts behaving like you are disturbing him.

Is this one okay at all?
12. When you find out most of his lifestyle is packaging.

Hayyyyyyy see something!
13. When you meet his girlfriend and realise you were being interviewed for side chick work.

Wow! Is this life?
1. “I have a religious event.”

“In my church we are doing 40 days fast so I cannot be near any man during that time. God bless you.”
2. “My parents don’t allow me go out.”

Meanwhile the parents in question are looking for who will come and collect the girl from their hands.
3. “Ah you should have told me before, I already made plans for that day.”

Yes. She plans to stay at home or anywhere that is not with the fellow that asked.
4. “I have a boyfriend.”

Dreams money can buy.
5. “I have many things doing.”

What does that even mean? Many things like what? Doing what?
6. “I’m not feeling fine and the doctor said I should not do anything at all”

Which Dr oh?
7. “My religion is against such things.”

“In the religion I’m practising they said if we go near any man we can fall down and die so it cannot happen.”
8. “I need to take permission from my spirit husband first..”

By the time he hears spirit husband the way he will fly away ehn!
9. “I’m really trying to find myself right now!”

Aunty where did you get lost?
10. “I’m not interested.”

Well it’s not an excuse but many babes will tell him “Uncle I don’t want! Come and be going oh.”
1. Him, whenever you try to talk about your relationship in public:

“What is understood does not need to be said.”
2. When you try to take a picture of him for social media:

“Put that camera away my friend!”
3. He insists you arrive at and leave events, separately.

Even now that petrol is 145? Ahn ahn!
4. He has several phones.

Does he sell phones? If no, then reassess the situation.
5. All the phones have vault level codes.

When it’s not like there are national security secrets stored on the phone.
6. When you finally meet his mum she asks “ah okay which one is this one?”

HAYYYYYY so I am one of many?
7. His weekday evenings are busy – but you’re not involved.

Everyday busy! busy! busy!
8. His weekends are also busy – but you’re not involved.

What is he doing oh?
9. When you ask him to introduce you to his female “friends”:

Why so confused sir?
10. When you start talking about a “future” involving him:

I don’t get. I’m not joking sir!
11. When you try and find out about his past:

Ahn ahn! What are you hiding?
12. His friends call you “iyawo wa”

That usually means they are trying to cover up for him. Sorry!

1. Create ‘Our relationship’ WhatsApp group, then leave it.

2. Start acting like a crazy person and turn everything into a fight.

3. Update your Facebook relationship status to ‘Single’.

4. Tell him you’re ready to get married and watch him turn to Usain Bolt.

5. Tell him you’re joining the feminist movement and you’re going to stop all the cooking.

6. Sharpen your ghost mode skills.

7. Don’t stress yourself: just text them ‘it’s over’, and unlook.

8. Tell your friends to do it for you.

P.S If you’ve ever done any of this donate your heart to someone who needs it. ASAP!

1. How you sleep knowing nobody is out there cheating on you or embarrassing you.

2. When a cute person asks you out on a date, you’re like:

3. When another person asks you out, you’re also like:

4. When you can go out without having to check on someone else!

5. When your friends are crying about their relationship problems, you’re just there like:

6. When your mates are out there getting their hearts broken, you are busy smiling through life like:

7. When you can save your money because you don’t need to worry about dates, gifts and credit.

8. When your friends who are a couple invite you as a third wheel on dates and pay for you.

9. When they are talking about relationship issues in church/mosque and it doesn’t concern you.

10. When you are asked to travel for job opportunities and you don’t have to consider anyone else:

1. They have started doing funky hairstyles.

2. They are no longer changing their hairstyle.

3. They no longer answer you when you talk.

4. They have started talking too much.

5. They are always smiling.

6. They are always frowning.

7. They never buy you anything but they are always broke.

8. They now have so much money it’s pouring everywhere.

9. They are always hiding to talk on the phone.

10. When they are on the phone, they laugh too much.

1. When you say you’re hungry and he suggests you drink water

2. When he tries to pick fights close to valentines day so he doesn’t have to buy you a present.

3. When he pays for something and keeps bringing it up over and over and over again.

4. When your friends ask you what he got you for your birthday and you’re too ashamed to say.

5. When your mother sees you with him, she’s like:

6. When he’s stingy even with compliments.

7. When you are trying to break up with him and he starts calculating all the money he has spent on you.

8. When after all the calculations ,the money is not up to 5000 naira.

1. First of all, you must have a backup girlfriend or boyfriend.

2. You can’t tell your babe you don’t have money; don’t you know how to steal or do yahoo yahoo?

3. You can’t be waiting for the right person: grab the wrong one like hot cake!

4. If your girlfriend is mad at you, we advise you NOT TO BREATHE! She will kill you!

5. Tell him you’re allergic to food whenever he takes you out.

6. Never ask your babe to pay the bills: you can sweep the restaurant or wash plates.

7. You can’t use earphones if you’re single, how will you hear people toasting you?

8. Don’t even try buying your girl flowers, who flowers epp?

9. Even if the hair is rubbish, just says it’s fine.

10. If you’re single, stand outside your house where people can see and toast you.

11. Don’t text your crush first, you’ll look desperate.

12. ‘Broke’ cannot exist in your dictionary, you have to be rich by force.

1. Call him “big head”. It’s a nationally accepted term of endearment!

2. When he comes to talk to you, your face should be like:

3. If he asks you out, say no.

4. When someone suggests you just say it plainly, you’re like:

5. When he cracks a joke, you’re like:

6. How you indicate interest:

1. When you say hello with all the love in your heart and they reply normally.

2. When you try to flirt and they are just looking.

3. When they refer to you as a “great friend”.

4. When they now graduate from calling you their friend to saying you are like their brother/sister.

5. When they come and start asking you for relationship advice.

6. When they say “whoever you end up with will be very lucky”.

7. When you meet their boyfriend or girlfriend you’re like:

8. When they finally seem to be responding to your advances.

9. Then you find out it’s because they were fighting with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

10. When you are now over them and they start liking you, you’re like:

1. How he approaches you:

2. When he sees you in public, he’s like:

3. When you say you’re not interested, he’s like:

4. When you say you have a boyfriend, he’s like:

5. When he tells you he has never met a girl like you.

6. How he plans all the messages he sends to you:

7. How he is around other girls:

8. His preferred look when he is coming to confuse you:

9. When he reaches his final form.

10. When he is trying to convince you he loves you.

11. When you start responding positively to his advances and he starts behaving like you are disturbing him.

12. When you find out most of his lifestyle is packaging.

13. When you meet his girlfriend and realise you were being interviewed for side chick work.

1. “I have a religious event.”

2. “My parents don’t allow me go out.”