phone | Page 2 of 3

1. When you show someone a funny picture on your phone and they start swiping left or right.

Excuse me?
2. When children ask you if you have “games” on your phone.

Please go and play with your parents leave me alone.
3. When your mum borrows your phone to “quickly make a call”.

Please oh!
4. When your dad wants to use your phone to “send text” because his own is not working.

Buy another one please.
5. When your boyfriend is holding your phone while you do something, you’re like:

6. When someone asks you “who is that” when you’re texting and smiling.

Her name is “mind your business”.
7. When you can’t find your phone for more than 2 minutes.

Oh no!
8. When your boyfriend starts talking about trust because he wants to check your phone, you’re like:

Nope!
1. When you first get your phone and your autocorrect is not even correcting you.

WYD???
2. After a while, autocorrect starts acting like it knows more than you.

Stay in your lane please.
3. When autocorrect starts correcting and replacing your name in your own phone.

Time to deactivate you.
4. When you’re angry and want to swear but it won’t even let you.

Did I buy you or did you buy me?!
5. When you’re typing nonsense thinking autocorrect has your back and it leaves your nonsense for you like that.

What a betrayed!
6. When you’re typing in your native language and it’s still trying to mind your business for you.

Mo ti gbo –> Month to go. Be careful please!
7. When autocorrect changes ‘food’ to ‘good’ in your worst moments of hunger.

How dare you?!
8. When you’ve typed and retyped a word six times because your autocorrect won’t let you move forward.

I’m not doing again.
9. When you type an insult to someone and send it but you can blame it on autocorrect.

Wasn’t me.
10. When autocorrect changes ‘OMW’ to ‘On my way!’, even though you’ve still not left your house.

Why so excited?!
11. When autocorrect starts suggesting words to complete your sentence.

You don’t know me.
12. When you’re helping your parents type messages on their ‘unsmart’ phones and you’re missing autocorrect.

I’m sorry. Come back please.
13. When it tries to correct your slang.

Better behave.
1. When they complain that you’re always pressing your phone, but complain when you miss their calls.

What do you want ehn?
2. When they answer your call and wait like 10 seconds before actually speaking.

What is happening?
3. When they spend half the conversation shouting “HELLO”.

Na wa.
4. How you talk to your parents on the phone:

For the ENTIRE phonecall.
5. When you check your phone and see double digit missed calls from your mother.

When you call back and she says “I was just reminding you to wash your plate.”
6. When your father says he has been “calling you since”, but you only saw one missed call.

Since ke.
7. When their voice increases exponentially when they are on a call.

Calm down.
8. Call duration with your mother vs. Call duration with your father:

Especially when your mum calls to pray for you.
9. How they hold you hostage when a relative calls:

Ugh! The worst.
10. When you just left the house and they call you to come back home.

WHY?
11. How your dad answers his phone when he knows you want to beg for money:

Ah! Daddy, easy na.
12. When they wake you up with a phonecall early in the morning.

Can I be?
13. How they spell over the phone:

All. The. Time.
1. When you get added to a group chat without warning.

What the hell?
2. When you try to leave a whatsapp group and they add you back like:

Is it by force?
3. You, in your family whatsapp group like:

UGH!!!
4. When the group admin is using everyone to catch trips.

Nigerians can abuse power eh, ordinary whatsapp group admin this one is doing like idiot 😏
— Dapo (@dapobaby) June 12, 2016

5. When the group members are no longer having it.

It’s only right.
6. You, when your friends start fighting in the group.

Continue, please.
7. This struggle:

The worst.
8. When you open the chat after the gist has already finished.

It can pain.
9. When someone leaves the group and you become the admin.

Time to add ‘Administrative Skills’ to my CV.
10. When you’re ranting in the group and no one is answering you.

See my life.
11. Whenever a group member posts a joke everyone has already seen.

Oga, keep up.
12. When someone gets kicked out with style:

Na wa for you people.
13. When you do your finishing move:

The best.
14. How you feel when you’re finally out of the group.

FREEDOM!!!
1. How you feel when your phone finally reaches 100%.

We did it!
2. When your battery is at 1% when the gist is getting sweet.

Hurry!!!!
3. When someone tries to educate you about not using your phone while it’s charging.

Thanks!
4. When you’ve been charging your phone for over an hour and it has only moved by 20%.

Charge slower. Ugh!
5. When they take light when your phone is only at 50%.

I don’t deserve this.
6. When there has been light for 3 hours so you were not charging your phone, then you plug it in and they take light.

Must you show yourselves?
7. When your phone is at 1% and you run to the charger and plug it in and it jumps to 17%.

What is doing this one?
8. When you give someone your phone for a minute and when they give it back your battery is half gone.

Did you drink it?
9. When you plug the phone to your laptop to charge and it shows “USB Device Not Recognized”.

I’m not even asking you to recognize it, just charge the damn phone!
10. Your new best friend:

The phone cannot die oh!
11. When your phone is almost going off and your friend says, “I have a charger”.

YASSS!!!
12. When you check your bag and realize you left your charger at home.

Crien.
13. When you have like 15 apps running at the same time and your battery is just looking at you like:

Continue.
14. When someone sends you a video link to watch on low battery and no light. Battery:

Stop it!
15. Your battery when you go on social media for 15 minutes.

Is this life?
16. And to all those that insist that listening to music doesn’t stress your battery.

What do you know?!
17. When someone tells you to increase the brightness of your phone.

Is it ya battery?
1. When she looks at her phone as if it is trying to deceive her.

Mummy, your phone is not against you.
2. How she saves numbers on her phone:

They don’t even have time.
3. The kind of texts she sends you when you’re upstairs:

Hay God!
4. The kind of texts she sends you when you’re out with friends:

I’m coming home oh.
5. When she calls you to come and load her credit.

Stress.
6. The kind of Whatsapp BCs she sends:

Who even sent you this thing?
7. The kind of pictures she sends on Whatsapp:

Na wa.
8. When she calls you for a “short prayer”:

I don taya.
9. How she takes pictures:

Mama D Mama!
10. When she calls you to come and help her type a “short text”.

God, epp me.
11. Nigerian mothers and dual sim phones.

All. Of. Them.
12. When she calls you and you don’t answer.

I’m dead.
13. Her excuse, when you ask her why she didn’t answer her phone:

Mummy, it’s called a MOBILE phone for a reason.
1. When this was literally the longest thing ever.

Something that could load for a year.
2. Nigerian girls and “how did you get my pin?”

Was there even a right answer to this question?
3. You, waiting for that red light to blink.

Someone should ping me na.
4. When everyone added “loading” to the end of everything.

All those ‘Elegushi loading!’ PMs.
5. When people believed everything they got in a BC.

Literally EVERYTHING!
6. When couples used to have full arguments with their PMs and DPs.

See serious something
7. When they take light and people start putting DPs like this:

Ugh! We get it.
8. Whenever someone started a conversation with “PING!!!”

You don’t have home training.
9. When you left your phone for hours and came back and no one had pinged you.

Nobody loves me.
10. When getting deleted while typing a message felt like the rapture.

Chineke!
11. When it was your birthday and all your contacts had pictures of you as their DP.

As a celebrity.
12. Whenever someone sent a BC in the name of doing ‘contact check’.

Fix it, Jesus.
13. When you knew someone was angry when they changed their DP to a black screen.

You’ll be fine.
14. This demon app:

The absolute worst.
You refused to get a phone case because how will people now know how much you spent if your phone has cover cloth?

So, since your pride fought with your common sense (and won).

…and they taught us that pride cometh before THE FALL, you just know it was inevitable.

That moment your phone fell from your hand for the first time and the whole world entered slow motion.

It didn’t fall when there was carpet oh, it waited till it saw concrete to show itself.

Now you’re just looking at your phone face down on the floor and trying to remember if you prayed in the morning.

First, your account balance flashes before your eyes.

Then your brain starts calculating exchange rate.

After saying a small prayer, you finally gather the courage and pick it up and you see a scratch.

The scratch is small, but because you are a member of RichGang, you cannot be carrying scratched phone up an down.

You sha somehow cough up the money to fix it.

Your phone is now looking good as new, so covering it with phone case is not even an option.

But because these phones are wicked and can never just fall once, it sha falls again.

This one is not just a scratch, your phone has now turned into a mosaic.

Your account balance is not even having it this time.

You try to put it off and on. Maybe somehow the screen will ‘un-crack’ itself as it reboots.

You leave it overnight and put it under your pillow, hoping God will come down and give you a testimony.

You sha finally accept it. You cannot come and go and kill yourself.

Everytime people ask what happened to your phone, your eyes just water.

They now start giving you ‘advice’ as if you have one time machine sitting in your garage…

“Why didn’t you buy a screen protector?”

“Why are you even buying expensive phone like that?”

“Why didn’t you get insurance?”

“Why didn’t you hold it well?”

Then those annoying people that see your phone and tell you how they could never manage a cracked screen.

But you can’t even be mad because that was how you used to do before.

You swear you will still fix your phone sha, but you are just waiting for dollar to come down.

1. When you show someone a funny picture on your phone and they start swiping left or right.

2. When children ask you if you have “games” on your phone.

3. When your mum borrows your phone to “quickly make a call”.

4. When your dad wants to use your phone to “send text” because his own is not working.

5. When your boyfriend is holding your phone while you do something, you’re like:

6. When someone asks you “who is that” when you’re texting and smiling.

7. When you can’t find your phone for more than 2 minutes.

8. When your boyfriend starts talking about trust because he wants to check your phone, you’re like:

1. When you first get your phone and your autocorrect is not even correcting you.

2. After a while, autocorrect starts acting like it knows more than you.

3. When autocorrect starts correcting and replacing your name in your own phone.

4. When you’re angry and want to swear but it won’t even let you.

5. When you’re typing nonsense thinking autocorrect has your back and it leaves your nonsense for you like that.

6. When you’re typing in your native language and it’s still trying to mind your business for you.

7. When autocorrect changes ‘food’ to ‘good’ in your worst moments of hunger.

8. When you’ve typed and retyped a word six times because your autocorrect won’t let you move forward.

9. When you type an insult to someone and send it but you can blame it on autocorrect.

10. When autocorrect changes ‘OMW’ to ‘On my way!’, even though you’ve still not left your house.

11. When autocorrect starts suggesting words to complete your sentence.

12. When you’re helping your parents type messages on their ‘unsmart’ phones and you’re missing autocorrect.

13. When it tries to correct your slang.

1. When they complain that you’re always pressing your phone, but complain when you miss their calls.

2. When they answer your call and wait like 10 seconds before actually speaking.

3. When they spend half the conversation shouting “HELLO”.

4. How you talk to your parents on the phone:

5. When you check your phone and see double digit missed calls from your mother.

6. When your father says he has been “calling you since”, but you only saw one missed call.

7. When their voice increases exponentially when they are on a call.

8. Call duration with your mother vs. Call duration with your father:

9. How they hold you hostage when a relative calls:

10. When you just left the house and they call you to come back home.

11. How your dad answers his phone when he knows you want to beg for money:

12. When they wake you up with a phonecall early in the morning.

13. How they spell over the phone:

1. When you get added to a group chat without warning.

2. When you try to leave a whatsapp group and they add you back like:

3. You, in your family whatsapp group like:

4. When the group admin is using everyone to catch trips.

5. When the group members are no longer having it.

6. You, when your friends start fighting in the group.

7. This struggle:

8. When you open the chat after the gist has already finished.

9. When someone leaves the group and you become the admin.

10. When you’re ranting in the group and no one is answering you.

11. Whenever a group member posts a joke everyone has already seen.

12. When someone gets kicked out with style:

13. When you do your finishing move:

14. How you feel when you’re finally out of the group.

1. How you feel when your phone finally reaches 100%.

2. When your battery is at 1% when the gist is getting sweet.

3. When someone tries to educate you about not using your phone while it’s charging.

4. When you’ve been charging your phone for over an hour and it has only moved by 20%.

5. When they take light when your phone is only at 50%.

6. When there has been light for 3 hours so you were not charging your phone, then you plug it in and they take light.

7. When your phone is at 1% and you run to the charger and plug it in and it jumps to 17%.

8. When you give someone your phone for a minute and when they give it back your battery is half gone.

9. When you plug the phone to your laptop to charge and it shows “USB Device Not Recognized”.

10. Your new best friend:

11. When your phone is almost going off and your friend says, “I have a charger”.

12. When you check your bag and realize you left your charger at home.

13. When you have like 15 apps running at the same time and your battery is just looking at you like:

14. When someone sends you a video link to watch on low battery and no light. Battery:

15. Your battery when you go on social media for 15 minutes.

16. And to all those that insist that listening to music doesn’t stress your battery.

17. When someone tells you to increase the brightness of your phone.

1. When she looks at her phone as if it is trying to deceive her.

2. How she saves numbers on her phone:

3. The kind of texts she sends you when you’re upstairs:

4. The kind of texts she sends you when you’re out with friends:

5. When she calls you to come and load her credit.

6. The kind of Whatsapp BCs she sends:

7. The kind of pictures she sends on Whatsapp:

8. When she calls you for a “short prayer”:

9. How she takes pictures:

10. When she calls you to come and help her type a “short text”.

11. Nigerian mothers and dual sim phones.

12. When she calls you and you don’t answer.

13. Her excuse, when you ask her why she didn’t answer her phone:

1. When this was literally the longest thing ever.

2. Nigerian girls and “how did you get my pin?”