1. When your parents are warning you not to eat anything in their friend’s house
Na wa for una.
2. How they greet each other:
Old people sha.
3. When the first thing their friend says to you is “you’ve added oh.”
What should I now do?
4. When they start complaining about your hair, your dress, or how you greeted them.
It’s not your fault sha. It’s my mother that dragged me here.
5. How your mother looks at you when her friend offers you food:
“I’ve already eaten, ma.”
6. When your parents are gisting with their friend and you try to add mouth.
Ah sorry ma.
7. When you misbehave and your mother gives you that ‘when we get home’ look.
I’m dead oh!
8. When your parents start reporting things you did months ago to their friends.
Can we move on though?
9. When your parent’s friends think they are substitute parents and start giving life advice.
Can you not?
10. When your parents make you wash all the plates you met in their friend’s sink.
I’m now house help for rent, abi?
11. When they force you to go and play with their children that you don’t even know.
Chai! Is it by force?
12. When you were done with the visit 3 hours ago but your parents are still lost in their gist.
Chai!
13. When your parents say “let us go” and they actually stand up to go.
Praise Jesus!
1. That deep freezer full of stockfish and goat meat:
Probably 2 freezers sef, if there is space.
2. A stack of buckets nobody is using to do anything:
WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY BUCKETS?
3. Ghana-must-go bags filled to the brim with nonsense:
That thing you think you misplaced 5 years ago? It’s inside one of them.
4. Old cans of paint no one will ever use:
For what ehn?
5. At least 3 fuel kegs because NEPA is an enemy of progress:
Can’t risk it.
6. Mattress for the relatives that come and “visit”:
“Visit” that turns into living sha.
7. Every broken gadget that has ever passed through that house:
AC oh, VHS player oh, EVERYTHING!!!
8. The dynamic duo of Nigerian foods:
As if we are storing for the Apocalypse.
9. That Christmas tree and dead Christmas lights that are older than you and your siblings:
Buy new ones ke? For what?
10. All your old textbooks and report cards from primary school to secondary school:
Because that 1999 Ugo C. Ugo might still be useful one day.
11. Old shoes they swear they’ll still wear, even though one leg is missing:
“It just needs polish.”
12. All the plates, bowls and umbrellas from all the Owambes they’ve ever attended:
And there have been A LOT of Owambes.
13. The special cutlery you only use during christmas and when really important guests come:
Not for you people oh, you’re not special enough.
So, basically EVERYTHING is in that garage except their actual car:
Our parents are special, abeg.
1. When you’re begging your parents to let your friend come and visit you.
You have to bring PowerPoint presentation to convince them.
2. You, reminding you friend to greet your parents properly.
Better don’t be doing anyhow.
3. How your parents look at them if they come and visit earlier than 12pm:
Chai!
4. How your parents look at them if they are still in your house when it’s dark:
Be going, biko.
5. When your friend doesn’t greet your parents properly and you already know that friendship is over.
Chai! Time to find new friend.
6. How you look at your friend that prostrates to greet your parents:
They will now be comparing both of you forever.
7. When your parents spend half the visit interrogating your friends.
Okay, Mummy FBI, can you go now?
8. When your mother asks “have you offered your friend anything?” and they say no.
See this one. You don’t have food in your house?
9. When your friend of the opposite sex says they want to come to your house.
Abeg oh! I’m not ready to die yet.
10. When your mother offers them food and they reject it.
Hay God!
11. When your friend says “your parents are so nice.”
It’s because you’re here oh.
12. When you make them ask your parents to allow you to go out so they don’t say no.
I sabi, abeg.
13. How your friend looks when your parents start shouting on you in their presence:
Well, this is awkward.
14. When your friend wants to leave your house without telling your parents first.
Better respect yourself.
15. When your parents that were smiling with them start insulting them immediately they leave.
“Don’t bring that idiot to my house again.”
16. When it’s time to go and visit that friend and your parents ask “how many times have they come here?”
Are you serious?
1. When you have to put off your generator and your neighbour’s own is still on.
I’m petty like that.
2. When your neighbour buys that siren that blares whenever they bring light.
Correct guy.
3. When they take light in your house and you have to check that they have taken in your neighbour’s house too.
Before I carry last.
4. When there’s been light for hours and that neighbour you don’t like is still blasting their generator.
It’s not my business.
5. When you’re hungry and you can smell the jollof rice your neighbour is cooking.
Hay God!
6. When it’s time to pay for something and your neighbour hasn’t dropped money.
Is this one mad?
7. When you notice your neighbour only has light when you put on your generator.
Wait first! Is this one tapping my light?
8. When you hear your neighbours fighting with each other.
E no concern me.
9. When they wake you up with loud music early in the morning.
What the hell?
10. Your face, when you see their car in your own parking space.
Chai!
11. When they want to start giving you the story of their life.
I don’t care.
12. When your neighbour throws a party and doesn’t invite you.
It can pain.
13. When they now use their party to block the whole street.
Na wa oh!
14. When they refuse to take part in environmental sanitation.
See this one.
15. You, when they throw their rubbish in front of your own house.
Respect yourself.
1. When they beg your parents to let you come and stay with them.
As a celebrity.
2. When you hear you’ll be staying with that uncle that always dashes you money when he visits.
Winning!
3. How they treat you in the first week:
Like a king.
4. When their family is hanging out and you’re not sure whether you can join or not.
Well, this is awkward.
5. You, trying to get used to their feeding timetable.
Who eats dinner at this time?
6. How they look at you when you say you don’t eat a particular thing:
I don’t eat dog na.
7. You, after staying with them for just one month.
I’m done.
8. When they start dropping hints that letting you stay is just a favor to your parents.
Hian!
9. When they buy something for your cousins and they don’t buy for you.
Is it like that?
10. When you have to follow them to their own church.
I don’t want.
11. When they keep calling your parents to report you.
For what?
12. “So, your parents did not teach you how to…”
Let me hear word.
13. When you’re just travelling home for one week and they make you pack everything.
Na wa.
14. When they start using style to ask you when you’ll be leaving.
It’s not your fault.
15. When they go out with your cousins and leave you alone in the house.
Is it fair?
16. When it’s finally time for you to go back home.
FINALLY!
17. When they start telling you that they’ll miss you.
I’ve heard you.
1. When that your unemployed uncle is trying to lecture you about school.
Well, this is awkward.
2. When you’re about to travel and your mum says “I had a dream…”
Hay God!
3. When you hear your father’s horn at the gate and the whole house is scattered.
It’s all over.
4. When you open the icecream container in the freezer and see egusi soup.
What is this life?
5. When you’re playing outside without slippers and you see your father’s car approaching,
Chineke!
6. When that aunty that hasn’t seen you since you were born asks “do you remember me?”
Adongerrit.
7. When visitors come and your mum starts bringing out food and drinks you didn’t know were in the house.
Oh? So we don’t deserve good food too, abi?
8. When you open the container of Danish cookies and see needle and thread.
Is it fair?
9. When your father tells you to come and play with that cousin you don’t like.
Oh God!
10. When your mother that warned you not to eat anything at her friends house starts saying “eat na”.
What will I now believe?
11. When you say you can’t find something and you hear “if I come there and find it…”
What is all this?
12. When your mother calls you by your full government name.
I’m in trouble
13. When all your friends are going out but you’ve already gone out this month.
The pain is real.
14. When your mother tells you to clean your room because visitors are coming.
Hian! Will they come and enter my room?
15. When your parents finish beating you then start asking “why are you crying?”
Are you joking?
16. When your watch your mother price a shoe from N15,000 down to N1,500.
Mama the mama.
17. When you ask your father if you can go out and he says “go and ask your mother.”
Na wa for una.
1. When you first think that living on your own will be the best thing you could do.
…and thus begins your search.
2. When you actually convince yourself that you can find great houses online without going outside.
LMAO! Haha! LOL!
3. But seeing an apartment that actually matches its online description is like discovering oil in Lagos.
Why so much lying?
4. When you start to realize that what you WANT and what you can AFFORD are vastly different things.
HAY GOD!
5. You put so many hours into looking for a place that it soon becomes a full-time job, except for one small difference: You’re not getting paid.
This is nonsense!
6. When you say you want a house in ‘Sabo, Yaba’, so the agents start trying to convince you that Maryland is also in Yaba.
I’m so confused!
7. When you think you’ve found a place, then you realize no buses, kekes or even bikes are in the area.
Really? And you want me to live here?
8. When they show you a self-contained in a certifiable dump, and say it’s 400k and they want two years up front.
Are you mad?
9. When you ask about the light situation and they say ‘normal Nigerian light’. And you just know you will never see light again.
Why am I doing this again?
10. When you find a great house, and it’s way out of your price range.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
11. When you realize that high standards = homeless.
See my life. *sheds standards*
12. When you finally find a perfect place within your range and someone walks in and pays in front of you.
Wait, what just happened?
13. When you seriously start considering moving back in with your parents.
They love me. They will accept me.
14. When you finally lower your standards and move into a place.
And you’re stuck there for at least a year.
15. When you realize that ‘secure environment’ means ‘they probably won’t kill you’.
My mummy…
16. And that you should have asked beforehand if a place has all the things you’ll need to survive, you know, like burglary proof, or a changeover switch.
My God!
17. When you discover that you’ve inherited the water, light, and waste bills of the previous tenant.
Is that how life is?!
18. When one of your friends wants to move out of their parents’ house.
You know nothing.
1. When you have to become their personal driver.
“Oya! Take me to the market.”
2. You, trying to find some privacy.
The absolute worst.
3. When they always manage to find something to lecture you about.
Hay God!
4. When your friends that live alone start complaining about bills.
Who sent you?
5. You, when your friends say they want to visit.
Uhm. Maybe some other time.
6. When they start complaining about you always being in your room.
Can I be, please?
7. When you try to form adult for them.
“Under my roof?”
8. When they start inventing weird chores for you to do.
“Clean the back of the TV and under the car.”
9. When they keep shouting your name without ever saying what they want.
What is it sef?
10. You, when they are sleeping vs. Them, when you are sleeping.
It can pain.
11. When you stay out late without calling them.
“You will come home and meet me.”
12. When they call you to get something that is right beside them.
Na wa oh!
13. When they send you to bring something and you say you couldn’t find it.
“If I go and I find it…”
14. When every small thing you do starts to annoy them.
It’s like it is time to move out.
15. When you’re out with your guys and they call you to start coming home.
