1. That deep freezer full of stockfish and goat meat:
Probably 2 freezers sef, if there is space.
2. A stack of buckets nobody is using to do anything:
WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY BUCKETS?
3. Ghana-must-go bags filled to the brim with nonsense:
That thing you think you misplaced 5 years ago? It’s inside one of them.
4. Old cans of paint no one will ever use:
For what ehn?
5. At least 3 fuel kegs because NEPA is an enemy of progress:
Can’t risk it.
6. Mattress for the relatives that come and “visit”:
“Visit” that turns into living sha.
7. Every broken gadget that has ever passed through that house:
AC oh, VHS player oh, EVERYTHING!!!
8. The dynamic duo of Nigerian foods:
As if we are storing for the Apocalypse.
9. That Christmas tree and dead Christmas lights that are older than you and your siblings:
Buy new ones ke? For what?
10. All your old textbooks and report cards from primary school to secondary school:
Because that 1999 Ugo C. Ugo might still be useful one day.
11. Old shoes they swear they’ll still wear, even though one leg is missing:
“It just needs polish.”
12. All the plates, bowls and umbrellas from all the Owambes they’ve ever attended:
And there have been A LOT of Owambes.
13. The special cutlery you only use during christmas and when really important guests come:
Not for you people oh, you’re not special enough.
So, basically EVERYTHING is in that garage except their actual car:
Our parents are special, abeg.
1. When you suddenly see cartons of juice and you know visitors are coming.
It’s going down.
2. When your mother starts bringing out food you’ve never seen in the house before.
Wow! Is it like that?
3. When you touch something in the fridge and hear “IT’S FOR THE GUESTS!”
Chai! Is it fair?
4. When your mother wakes you up to clean your room before the visitors come.
Is it my room they are entering?
5. Your mother, bringing out the special cutlery reserved for only visitors:
Untouchable by anyone else.
6. When you hear the visitors arrive and you pretend to be asleep so you don’t have to go and greet.
I don’t have energy, biko.
7. When your parents want you to still dress properly just to come outside and greet.
Inside my own house again?
8. You and your siblings, greeting them in the presence of your parents:
Before your parents start the ‘you don’t know how to greet’ lecture.
9. How your parents see you as soon as the visitors enter the house:
Their unofficial waiter for the day.
10. Your parents face, when you linger in the parlour a little too long:
See ehn, just run.
11. When your parents that just finished insulting you start praising you in front of their visitors.
Oh? Wasn’t I just a stupid goat 5 minutes ago?
12. How your mother looks at you when the visitor offers you out of their food:
Her eyes = ‘You want to die today’
13. You, waiting in your room for the visitors to leave your house.
These ones should do and go.
14. When the visitors come with their children and you have to entertain them.
Ugh! NO!
15. When your parents start acting fake nice to you in their visitor’s presence.
Ah! Since when?
16. When the visitors are about to wash their own dishes and your mother tells them to leave it for you.
Hian! As they want to wash it, nko?
17. How you feel when they finally leave:
THANK YOU, GOD!
18. When your mother decides to “help you keep” the money they dashed you.
You know it’s gone forever.
1. When you have to put off your generator and your neighbour’s own is still on.
I’m petty like that.
2. When your neighbour buys that siren that blares whenever they bring light.
Correct guy.
3. When they take light in your house and you have to check that they have taken in your neighbour’s house too.
Before I carry last.
4. When there’s been light for hours and that neighbour you don’t like is still blasting their generator.
It’s not my business.
5. When you’re hungry and you can smell the jollof rice your neighbour is cooking.
Hay God!
6. When it’s time to pay for something and your neighbour hasn’t dropped money.
Is this one mad?
7. When you notice your neighbour only has light when you put on your generator.
Wait first! Is this one tapping my light?
8. When you hear your neighbours fighting with each other.
E no concern me.
9. When they wake you up with loud music early in the morning.
What the hell?
10. Your face, when you see their car in your own parking space.
Chai!
11. When they want to start giving you the story of their life.
I don’t care.
12. When your neighbour throws a party and doesn’t invite you.
It can pain.
13. When they now use their party to block the whole street.
Na wa oh!
14. When they refuse to take part in environmental sanitation.
See this one.
15. You, when they throw their rubbish in front of your own house.
Respect yourself.
Almost every Nigerian that moves overseas either for school or work has faced most of these situations. It’s hard to admit but they are true.
1. When you convert your salary to Naira
Rich Gang. Money Squad!
2. But then realize the amount you are left with after taxes and bills
Well, let us thank God for life.
3. And then you realize you are just working to pay bills
Well there is light, fresh air, good food and good internet. All that matters.
4. After you pay bills and you get a long WhatsApp text and you spot “Western Union” in it
Not today please.
5. When you hear the current exchange rate and its time to go for a brief visit to Nigeria
We about to make it rain!
6. When you are trying to do Nigerian bank transactions and they are being difficult
What do you mean I should send my passport, drivers license, utility bill, admission letter, left thumb and right eyeball so I can get ordinary ATM card?
7. You consider moving back but remember that there are no jobs
I don’t think it is entirely necessary to make that move.
8. And you remember you may have to queue for fuel and fan yourself to sleep
I think overseas is beginning to feel like home.
9. When your non-African mates are always asking if they will be millionaires in Nigeria with $100/£100
Are you serious? It’s not your fault. What an embarrassment.
10. But then you have to console yourself that things will change soon
Because it is okay to deceive oneself.
11. When you were hoping for change but your president is only changing planes on various trips
Oshey Mr. World Tour 2016. Gathering Frequent Flyer Miles.
12. When people start asking “when are you returning”
Excuse me, are you sending me away? My visa has not expired biko. They aren’t complaining about my presence in the abroad.
13. Or you hear “come back home and change things”
Hold on, let me get back to you on that issue.
14. When you plan a ten-day trip home and your parents say “spend some more time”
What do you know?
15. When you are visiting Nigeria and everyone wants you to help bring “something small” back
What do you mean PlayStation4, a TV and four car lights is “something small”???
1. When that your unemployed uncle is trying to lecture you about school.
Well, this is awkward.
2. When you’re about to travel and your mum says “I had a dream…”
Hay God!
3. When you hear your father’s horn at the gate and the whole house is scattered.
It’s all over.
4. When you open the icecream container in the freezer and see egusi soup.
What is this life?
5. When you’re playing outside without slippers and you see your father’s car approaching,
Chineke!
6. When that aunty that hasn’t seen you since you were born asks “do you remember me?”
Adongerrit.
7. When visitors come and your mum starts bringing out food and drinks you didn’t know were in the house.
Oh? So we don’t deserve good food too, abi?
8. When you open the container of Danish cookies and see needle and thread.
Is it fair?
9. When your father tells you to come and play with that cousin you don’t like.
Oh God!
10. When your mother that warned you not to eat anything at her friends house starts saying “eat na”.
What will I now believe?
11. When you say you can’t find something and you hear “if I come there and find it…”
What is all this?
12. When your mother calls you by your full government name.
I’m in trouble
13. When all your friends are going out but you’ve already gone out this month.
The pain is real.
14. When your mother tells you to clean your room because visitors are coming.
Hian! Will they come and enter my room?
15. When your parents finish beating you then start asking “why are you crying?”
Are you joking?
16. When your watch your mother price a shoe from N15,000 down to N1,500.
Mama the mama.
17. When you ask your father if you can go out and he says “go and ask your mother.”
Na wa for una.
1. When they stop putting on the generator for you when they take light.
Get ready, they have already started pitying you less.
2. When they tell you to buy fuel by yourself if you want the gen on.
Ah! It has officially begun; your status is expiring
3. When no one has asked you “when did you get back?” in weeks.
Basically everyone that can see you has already seen you.
4. When you stop converting naira to dollars/pounds in your head.
You are starting to accept your fate.
5. When your parents go from “don’t stay out too late” to “be back by 10”.
The curfew has arrived.
6. When your parents go from asking you to help them do a chore to telling you to go do it.
Their eyes are starting to clear.
7. When the chores go from little ones like washing plates to washing toilet floor.
You know they are rating you less and less.
8. When you stop saying “innit” and “mate” as much.
By this time “ehen” and “my guy” have pushed them out.
9. When you haven’t complained about the heat in weeks.
You’re already getting used to it.
10. When you either queue for fuel for over an hour or argue with a conductor.
The moment any of these happen, your IJGB status has officially expired.
