Girl | Zikoko!

1. When your parents start looking for your wedding venue the minute you start walking.

Can you just let me suck breast first?
2. When they buy toy car for your brother but buy you kitchen set.

I didn’t come to this life to cook plis
3. When they are sharing chores, this is your list while your brother’s list only has wash car on it.

4. This is the summary of the sex talk your mum gave you when you started your period

Just like that.
5. You can’t make any small mistake in your parents’ house without hearing is this how you’ll do it in your husband’s house.

Small mistake o
6. How your parents reacted when your brother managed to make noodles for the first time.

And it wasn’t even sweet sef
7. How they react when you make Jollof Rice, Asun, Fried Chicken but forget to fry Plantain to add

That’s how you’ll go and disgrace us in your husband’s house
8. How your parents reacted when your brother brought home a female friend

YOU’RE THE TRUE SON OF YOUR FATHER.
9. How they reacted the first time a boy just used side eye to look at you

If I see that boy again.
10. Once your mum noticed you were growing breasts these are the kind of clothes she started buying for you

You won’t disgrace me.
11. Meanwhile at school all the boys forgot where your eyes were located

Abi do you want Amadioha to punish you?
12. Going to buy bread down the street and before you even lock your gate one Emeka has come to profess his love to you.

I’m not interested please.
13. When a guy who was just toasting you starts abusing because you said you weren’t interested

So confused.
14. When you hear that a boy in school is telling everyone you slept with him because you shook his hand one time

But how?
15. When your parents spent your entire childhood chasing you away from boys now they’re asking you for husband.

As if they sell husband in the market.
16. When your parents’ reply to anything you do is ‘But when will you marry?’

Matriculation? When will you marry Graduation? When will you marry? NYSC? When will you marry? It never really ends, does it?
17. Ever had the sex talk with your Nigerian parents? This is probably how it went.
1. When he checks every criteria on your list:

2. And he isn’t in a relationship, engaged or married.

3. Five minutes later, you start planning your wedding.

Every detail is already in place. You know where it will be, what the food will be like, and how the music will sound.
4. How you look at him when he’s not looking:

Come here hot stuff. Let me lick your face.
5. You turn to a klutz when he’s around.

6. You start to sweat when he looks at you.

It’s like this air conditioner is not working.
7. You try to flirt with him, but only end up looking like this:

8. And he’s like:

Girl, you okay? Is there something wrong with your neck?
9. So you give yourself a pep talk every time you’re about to go see him:

Come on girl! Get your shit together! Don’t misbehave!
10. You trying to hide your feelings for him:

11. And you debate telling him how you feel about him:

12. Then you start to write in your diary.

“Dear Diary, today Tunde looked at me for five whole seconds without blinking. Five!”
13. And you tell your girls about him:

The girl squad!
14. Then your friends start to look at him like:

15. You when you finally decide to tell him how you feel:

16. You start to drop subtle hints:

17. How you laugh at all his jokes:

Even the not-so-funny ones.
18. You take extra care to listen to everything he says.

Hmm…very interesting.
19. Your stomach starts to hurt from all the butterflies in it.

20. Your chest starts to do “gbim gbim” when he’s around.

21. He’s on your mind all the time.

Like really really. Like, like like him. Not just like him.
22. And all you’re thinking is:

Tell me baby. why don’t you just love me?!!
23. You give every girl he talks to the stink eye.

I know he says you’re his sister, but are you really?
24. When he pays you a compliment, you go to bed like:

25. You when he finally asks you on a date:

26. And if this boy you like is on social media, then this story is for you:
https://zikoko.com/list/jagga-jagga-love-social-media/
So I had a party to attend one day.

Gbedu!!
And I heard some of my enemies would be in attendance.

Yes oh! All those bad belle people!
So I decided I would show them that I am chopping life and living well!

Enemies will never win!
That’s how I squeezed myself inside one dress and did my make up

Looking like take away!
When I got there I was ready to show myself.

Baddest
So I entered the dance floor with style.

With all pomp & pageantry!
And started breaking it down.

Hot stepper!
I was giving them “notice me moves”.

Yes. Look at me!
I even did some of my Michael Jackson moves.

Kimmon!
Everybody loved it. They even started clapping for me!

“Wow! See moves! Ahn ahn!”
Then I spotted my enemies from across the room looking at me with envy.

I see you looking at me!
So I decided to go and say “hello”.

“So how are you bad belle people this fine day?”
As I was walking towards them, one of my heels broke!

Enemies at work oh!
And before I knew it I was on the floor.

AH! Somebody look at these people’s handwork!
From the floor I could hear my enemies laughing!

After all my planning look at life oh!
To reduce my shame I pretended to faint and waited till an ambulance came to carry me away.

Yes oh! So I should stand up in front of all those people abi?
Since that time whenever I see any of those enemies they look at me like:

Laughing like hyenas.
I don’t even know what was funny I almost died oh!

But for the grace of God go I!
But I will still show them sha!

Because I am badder than!
1. When you can feel that the time is around the corner.

Do I have to go through this?!
2. When you’re emotional for no reason and everything around you makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Or roll around.

I don’t even know again.
3. When someone points out that you’re emotional for no reason.

Is this one mad?
4. When you want to attempt movement even though you’re in pain.

I can’t.
5. When you sneeze while on your period.

Gosh!
6. When someone dares to breathe around you.

HOW DARE YOU?!
7. You when someone touches your food/ hair/ anything without asking.

Kuku kill me oh!
8. When everyone talking around you sounds like they’re shouting.

Shut up now?!
9. When you finally find pain killers.

I love you!
10. You, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

Na wa oh, is it not just to dissolve?
11. When you have taken the maximum painkiller dosage for the day but the pain just won’t go away.

Should I take more?
12. When you’re nursing your pain and someone invites you to go out.

NO!
13. When your pain starts on Sunday but you have to suck it up and go to work on Monday.

It’s hard outchea!
14. When your colleagues try to interact with you in your state.

Not today, Satan!
15. When bae asks “How are you feeling?”

You can’t understand me. You don’t know my pain. You don’t know my struggle! Co-written by Zikoko Contributor, Obeyaa Atta
1. So you’ve been doing the nasty together for a while.

So much fun, right!
2. And the other night was pretty amazing.

Really good.
3. When you see her coming over, but she’s not smiling.

Is she breaking up with me?
4. Then says the dreaded words “We need to talk”.

What have I done?
5. You try to remember every bad thing you’ve done since you last saw her.

Oh God!
She takes her time to get to the point. But when she does…

6. Then she drops the news.

JESUS!
7. SHE HAS MISSED HER PERIOD!

*faints*
8. Then the thoughts start to pour in:
“Where did you keep it?”
You try to remember if you used protection.
“Oh God, why am I so fertile…?”
“Will she do abortion?…probably not.”
You trying to calculate the price of pampers:
And how much you’ll spend to raise a child.
“Hay God! My mother will murder me.”
“Why did I even have sex?”

9. Then you start to think of your options.

“Can I run away?”
10. You think to yourself, “Maybe I will make a good father.”

Then you’re realistic again. You haven’t even finished taking care of yourself.
11. When you finally accept what is coming.

“You will be a good father to your child.”
12. Then she calls you to apologize. Her period just came.

You want to kill me?!

1. When your parents start looking for your wedding venue the minute you start walking.

2. When they buy toy car for your brother but buy you kitchen set.

3. When they are sharing chores, this is your list while your brother’s list only has wash car on it.

4. This is the summary of the sex talk your mum gave you when you started your period

5. You can’t make any small mistake in your parents’ house without hearing is this how you’ll do it in your husband’s house.

6. How your parents reacted when your brother managed to make noodles for the first time.

7. How they react when you make Jollof Rice, Asun, Fried Chicken but forget to fry Plantain to add

8. How your parents reacted when your brother brought home a female friend

9. How they reacted the first time a boy just used side eye to look at you

10. Once your mum noticed you were growing breasts these are the kind of clothes she started buying for you

11. Meanwhile at school all the boys forgot where your eyes were located

12. Going to buy bread down the street and before you even lock your gate one Emeka has come to profess his love to you.

13. When a guy who was just toasting you starts abusing because you said you weren’t interested

14. When you hear that a boy in school is telling everyone you slept with him because you shook his hand one time

15. When your parents spent your entire childhood chasing you away from boys now they’re asking you for husband.

16. When your parents’ reply to anything you do is ‘But when will you marry?’

17. Ever had the sex talk with your Nigerian parents? This is probably how it went.

1. When he checks every criteria on your list:

2. And he isn’t in a relationship, engaged or married.

3. Five minutes later, you start planning your wedding.

4. How you look at him when he’s not looking:

5. You turn to a klutz when he’s around.

6. You start to sweat when he looks at you.

7. You try to flirt with him, but only end up looking like this:

8. And he’s like:

9. So you give yourself a pep talk every time you’re about to go see him:

10. You trying to hide your feelings for him:

11. And you debate telling him how you feel about him:

12. Then you start to write in your diary.

13. And you tell your girls about him:

14. Then your friends start to look at him like:

15. You when you finally decide to tell him how you feel:

16. You start to drop subtle hints:

17. How you laugh at all his jokes:

18. You take extra care to listen to everything he says.

19. Your stomach starts to hurt from all the butterflies in it.

20. Your chest starts to do “gbim gbim” when he’s around.

21. He’s on your mind all the time.

22. And all you’re thinking is:

23. You give every girl he talks to the stink eye.

24. When he pays you a compliment, you go to bed like:

25. You when he finally asks you on a date:

26. And if this boy you like is on social media, then this story is for you:

So I had a party to attend one day.

And I heard some of my enemies would be in attendance.

So I decided I would show them that I am chopping life and living well!

That’s how I squeezed myself inside one dress and did my make up

When I got there I was ready to show myself.

So I entered the dance floor with style.

And started breaking it down.

I was giving them “notice me moves”.

I even did some of my Michael Jackson moves.

Everybody loved it. They even started clapping for me!

Then I spotted my enemies from across the room looking at me with envy.

So I decided to go and say “hello”.

As I was walking towards them, one of my heels broke!

And before I knew it I was on the floor.

From the floor I could hear my enemies laughing!

To reduce my shame I pretended to faint and waited till an ambulance came to carry me away.

Since that time whenever I see any of those enemies they look at me like:

I don’t even know what was funny I almost died oh!

But I will still show them sha!

1. When you can feel that the time is around the corner.

2. When you’re emotional for no reason and everything around you makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Or roll around.

3. When someone points out that you’re emotional for no reason.

4. When you want to attempt movement even though you’re in pain.

5. When you sneeze while on your period.

6. When someone dares to breathe around you.

7. You when someone touches your food/ hair/ anything without asking.

8. When everyone talking around you sounds like they’re shouting.

9. When you finally find pain killers.

10. You, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

11. When you have taken the maximum painkiller dosage for the day but the pain just won’t go away.

12. When you’re nursing your pain and someone invites you to go out.

13. When your pain starts on Sunday but you have to suck it up and go to work on Monday.

14. When your colleagues try to interact with you in your state.

15. When bae asks “How are you feeling?”

1. So you’ve been doing the nasty together for a while.

2. And the other night was pretty amazing.

3. When you see her coming over, but she’s not smiling.