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  • How did you and Janet meet?

    We met virtually on a music community group on Telegram in 2017. I was looking for new rap music, but I was unsure where to start. I shared my ask on the group, and she enthusiastically offered to send me a few songs she thought I’d like. Our friendship grew from there.

    What was your friendship like?

    Great. At first, we only talked about music and the songs we enjoyed. Then we started to share stories about our families, our personal struggles and more. We found out about our shared love for photography and the hustle for a better life, deepening our bond. 

    Although she lived in the US and I in Nigeria, the distance had no effect on our friendship. We spoke every single day and had conversations across apps. Within a year, she became one of my closest friends and confidants. 

    When she visited Nigeria in 2019, we went to all the Detty December concerts together. It was all going quite well until I couldn’t reach her anymore in August 2021.

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    What happened?

    If you ask me, na who I go ask? She sent me a birthday gift  — an Instax camera — earlier in the month, and I absolutely loved it. Then we talked for hours on the phone as usual, and she mentioned she was going through a tough time because she was moving apartments and had lost a memory card she needed. We said goodbye after I had encouraged her and assured her I was there to support her.

    The next day, I texted to check up on her and see if she was feeling better than the day before. 

    No answer.

     I didn’t think much of it because we often missed texts or calls due to the time difference or busy schedules.   A few days later, I sent her another text; still nothing. Like a bad joke, thirteen more days passed, and I started to get worried. 

    I’d spoken to Janet virtually every day since 2018, and she was not prone to disappearing for long periods without saying anything. I also knew she had some mental health struggles as well, so I was scared something had happened and things had gotten worse.

     On the 27th of August 2021, I sent her a text telling her I was worried and that I missed her. I wanted to hear her voice on the phone again, but I still got no response.

    It was so jarring. 

    Then, on the 7th of September, I tried to video call her, but she didn’t pick up. Two days later, I sent a WhatsApp sticker; no response. On the 22nd of September, I left her another message, but she didn’t reply. 

    Then, on November 16th, I sent another message. I said something like, “I don’t know why you haven’t been responsive, but I really hope that you’re alright and you’re hanging in there.”

    I had no idea what had happened, if she had heard something or if I had done something. She just never spoke to me again. 

    I have her birthday on my Google calendar, and I was so upset when I got a notification for her birthday in 2022. Almost a whole year had passed, and she said nothing.

    That’s awful. Did you send any more messages to her after that?

    I was tempted to wish her a happy birthday,but I thought to myself, ‘Does this make any sense?’ and I decided against it. I still get reminded of it every year but I refuse to contact her again. This person did not say a single word to me. No explanation, nothing. Why should I reach out to her again?

    Do you want to know something crazy? We have a mutual friend. On this friend’s birthday in 2022, I video-called to give well wishes, and Janet was at her house. I saw her in the background, laughing like nothing was wrong. I asked my friend if Janet seemed okay and she was like, “She’s doing great.” That’s when I completely released the whole thing from my mind. She asked if I wanted to send Janet my regards, and I said no. The disrespect was enough.

    That’s crazy o

    I can’t believe it sometimes. Earlier in 2021, I was in an awful relationship where I got ghosted, and Janet was my rock that entire period. She knew how abandonment was a trigger for me, and she did it anyway.

    How did you navigate this radio silence?

     I spent the first year thinking I was a bad person and had done something wrong. But when I saw her at our mutual friend’s house, I accepted that I’m not a bad person; she’s just crazy and disrespectful of my feelings. I told myself I deserved better and moved on with my life. I sought solace in my other friends instead. I still thought about it for a long time afterwards, even after I stopped blaming myself. It was such a weird experience

    Did your mutual friend ever try to mediate the situation?

    No, but I don’t begrudge her because I’m sure that’s not what she signed up for. Last year, she called me and told me Janet ghosted her, too. I found it genuinely funny. So this national cake can reach all of us?

    Seeing that she did it to another friend made me feel a lot better, I won’t lie. What’s crazier is that she’s still on all my social media, and she likes my photos or stories when I post.

    Ah, isn’t that what people call a monitoring spirit these days?

    I don’t care. The fact that she sees my posts and likes them but doesn’t reach out is telling enough. People tell me to block her, but I refuse. She will watch my success from that same phone screen.

    Would you give her a chance if she ever tried to rekindle the friendship?

    No, not at all. I’d hear her out, though, because a small part of me still wants to hear an explanation. But if I never get it, I’m okay, too. I don’t need that sort of drama in my life.

  • If there’s one thing the TV show Insecure did for me, it is burn the word ghosting as well it’s impact on people into my skull. Today, we spoke to five young Nigerians who have been ghosted on what their worst experience being ghosted has been.


    Chinelo, 23.

    Right so, in my first year in uni, I started seeing this guy. It was a talking stage but I really liked him and I think he liked me (I’m not sure anymore cause who ghosts someone they like in such a wicked way). Anyways, it was really good for two months, everything started to go left after he stood me up on Valentine’s day and then he denied me when my best friend saw him at Amigo and told him “when are you resuming, your babe misses you”. This man said, “what babe? I don’t have a babe o”.

    Fast forward to two weeks after this event, he came back to school and told me we wouldn’t be able to talk much on the phone because his phone was bad, I didn’t think anything of it because we’re in the same uni so I can always see him right? This man’s phone was “bad” for the whole of the Easter holiday and after that. We didn’t talk once. One day I went on WhatsApp and saw him online, he still hadn’t tried to contact me so I thought when we get back to school we’d just settle it. He didn’t resume for the first two weeks and the day I finally saw him, this man walked past me like he didn’t know who I was, it happened more than once. I was so confused because he’d go on IG and like my photos but he wouldn’t talk to me when he saw me. Once, I and my BFF ran into him in our cafeteria and he said Hi to her and ignored me like I wasn’t there. I wanted to faint. It took me 8 months to get over it and this idiot dared to text me to “check on me” after I’d fully moved on.

    Jamie, 23.

    So I met her and we started off as friends, as these things go. We went to Unilag together. Different departments. We’d just hang out after school, walk together to the gate, eat together, etc. Then I started liking her. She found out, and the relationship sort of changed. She kinda led me on. She didn’t say she didn’t like me back, but we started doing more stuff like going to the movies together, chilling in each other’s apartments, getting drunk and whatnot. I spent my birthday with her. It was beginning to get interesting sha. I was pretty sure we were going to end up dating. We were together almost everyday, talking on the phone, FaceTiming etc.

    And then one Friday, I didn’t have classes, so I called her in the morning and asked if we would hang out later that day. She sounded dejected and when I asked why, she said we’d talk about it when we saw. She said I should call her by 5 pm. We’d been out a few days earlier and everything was okay. Now, NEPA had cut our light and my phone was on 4%. This was like 9 a.m. So I waited at home, doing nothing, waiting for 5pm (I know that sounds stupid, but if I didn’t have any plans with her, I would have left home earlier and just gone somewhere to charge my phone and chill. I just decided to wait till I saw her before I left home.)

    I called her at 5pm. She didn’t pick. I put my phone back on airplane mode. 5:30pm, she didn’t pick. Airplane mode. 5:45pm and 6pm. Didn’t pick. So I texted her and said “Hey, you didn’t sound okay the last time we spoke, and now, you’re not picking. Are you good?” She read it and didn’t reply. I was so worried. Then my phone died.

    I didn’t try to call her after that. On the next day, I was looking at WhatsApp stories when I saw her’s. She was posting pictures of herself smiling. I still didn’t try to contact her, I was waiting for her to contact me. She kept posting stories so I was sure she was okay. That text I sent her was the last time we spoke.

    I bumped into her about 3 months later in school. Her reason for ghosting me like that: I’m sorry, I just got really busy that day and I forgot to reach out to you after.

    Uju, 20.

    Not sure I’d say “horrible” but I met this guy at a wedding in Kaduna, he lives in Abuja and I was in Lagos at the time. We hit it off instantly, like made out and everything. I went back to Lagos he went back to Abuja and we were talking for like a good two weeks. I even sent him a full platter of food twice as per lover babe. Anyway one morning, I texted him and no response. I called, messaged, nothing for like a week. I called his best friend (who is my best friend’s brother) and he said he had spoken to him so he wasn’t dead he was just ghosting me. Anyway, he came to apologize and said it “happens”.

    Chisom, 28.

    So this guy and I had been talking, it was a long-distance situationship but things were moving fast and none of us had a problem with it then he didn’t talk to me for like a week. At first, I wasn’t so mad, I didn’t panic as much. Then he reached out and said he had some stuff he was dealing with and I kind of understood. We talked all through summer and then I didn’t hear from him for about 96 days. His number wasn’t going through, I couldn’t reach him on social media. I sent emails, he never responded and then one random day he called me. I kept looking at the phone. I didn’t want to pick it up but I eventually did. Because I wanted closure but yeah things died after that.

    Martha, 32.

    Two years ago, I met this guy at my friend’s birthday party. We were flirting and eventually exchanged numbers. After that, we hung out and made out and stuff. A month into the ‘relationship’, I texted him and he didn’t reply. Called, the same thing. After a few days, I went to visit him as per caring girlfriend. He wasn’t around. I asked my friend whose birthday I met him from, she said she didn’t know him like that. One day, like a week into the disappearing act, he posted on Instagram. I was like ‘what?’ I DMed him. After he read it, he blocked me. That was when I knew what happened. The next time I saw him was at a friend’s wedding a few months later when I was serving food. Omo, I was dishing rice and crying. God forbid.

    QUIZ: What Kind Of Partner Are You Drawn To?

  • You meet someone, go on a couple dates and then realise they’re not that interesting (or whatever the case may be). So how do you break the news? Well, you don’t. You simply end all forms of communication with them (out of thin air) and expect them to take the hint.

    A wimpy move? Absolutely, but do people do it anyway? HELL YES!!!

    We asked 5 people to share their ghosting stories and boy, do people need Jesus candles…

    Patrick, 25 – A date with a douche

    “My friend introduced me to this guy. He was good-looking, and since I’m superficial, I figured we’d hit it off. We eventually went out on a date and started talking. Not sure how it got to the topic of feminism, but he had so many toxic, sexist notions e.g. women are only good for their reproductive ability. Tbh, I wasn’t even aware queer people could be so sexist, especially in such a heteronormative way.

    Anyway, before the date was even over, I’d blocked his number and wiped him off social media. Considering how intense the argument was, I doubt he would have even tried to reach out, but I didn’t want to risk it.”

    Chiamaka, 23 – Still hung up on his ex

    “So I met this boy on a group hike. We started talking and hit it off instantly. He was nice… but wouldn’t stop bringing up his ex in our conversations. Gradually, the drive to speak to him slipped away and I was not about to be caught up in all that drama. So I did the needful.”

    Olumide, 28 – Cold hearted or nah?

    “We went to uni together and she was classmates with my best friend, although we didn’t really speak until after graduation. We went out once and it went well. Not long after, we made plans for her to come over to my place. That day came and for whatever reason, I didn’t feel like seeing her anymore. So she called and called and I didn’t answer.

    For like a week, she tried to reach out via calls and texts. But still no response from me. She gave up after that week but not before sending a long paragraph, insulting me for ghosting.”

    Fatima, 23 – A couple strings attached

    “My most recent ghosting happened with this guy I was kind of seeing. It was supposed to be light with no strings attached, but he was catching feelings and wanted us to be serious. So we had this conversation where I told him what I needed romantically from a partner to even consider being serious. And then he said “as much as I want this, I don’t want to feel like I’m overcompensating.”

    Anyway long story short, I ended things with him there and then, but he didn’t seem to get the memo. So I stopped responding to his messages and answering his calls.”

    Bella, 27 – What’s worse than a boring lunch date?

    “So I met this guy through a friend. Both of them were good friends. So we started hanging out. Nothing serious. A lunch date here and there. But then, they were no fun. I wasn’t learning much about him, and sharing about my life seemed like a chore. Our conversations were like QandA sessions and for me, if a conversation isn’t flowing, I won’t stick around. So I went mute for months.

    It was gradual. I’d always be busy doing something so we wouldn’t do any more boring lunch dates. Till I just blanked completely. Funny enough, we saw each other a few months after the long silence. Same thing. I think we both get now that there is nothing here. He didn’t at first, I believe.”

    Have you ever been ghosted? or have you ghosted someone? Let us know!