Do you think your memory is sharp enough to recognize these church logos?
Take the quiz to find out:
Questions
This is a question
You got #{score}/#{total}
Obviously, you don’t pay enough attention.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Nice attempt, but not a perfect score. You should pay more attention.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You’re a very attentive person. Niceee!
We all know the economy is really tight and everyone wants another source of income. If you have ever thought of starting a church, we read your mind. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to start your own money-spinning church.
You need to answer the call of ‘God’
Just find that call from anywhere or make up a story. “I was pricing fish and the fish said…”.
Also find a way to involve your wife because team ministry
She has to make up her own story. “So when I was cleaning the fish, I saw a letter from God inside…”
Select your own hairstyle identity
Of course, how else will your church members know which hairstyle to do?
Select the dress code for yourself and your church
It has to be a uniform something. Either dress down casual, club attire, turtleneck, show back, bikini etc. God looks at the heart don’t worry.
Take members from your current church or from anybody’s church
It doesn’t matter, we will all enter the same heaven.
Now you have to assemble your team of pastors
Of course you cannot do it alone. Only one LASTMA official can’t be at a checkpoint.
Gather a fire praise and worship group
IF NIGERIANS CANNOT SHOKI OR DAB IN YOUR CHURCH THEY WON’T COME! Don’t play yourself.
Select your marketing plan or start a crusade
You need to appeal to the Nigerian challenges and problems because this life is hard.
Don’t forget to collect seed offerings and pledges at your crusade
How else do you want to pay your pastors and buy your car?
Visit your members every weekend if you can
How else will you trap them and make them come back?
Find a way to get on the news or TV
Go to a cemetery, raise the dead, or heal 100 “crippled” people even if they were in good health.
Invite one popular pastor or three for a life-changing, power-packed event at a stadium
Of course, you need to draw attention and bring other new members one way or the other.
DON’T FORGET TO COLLECT OFFERINGS TEN TIMES
You need to raise money for the invited guests flights and hotel rooms. That private jet won’t buy itself.
Encourage your members to buy you good gifts (must be expensive)
From 2016 Prado, to Range Rovers, maybe a jet. All color white because you must represent purity always.
Open a School
Secondary school, university, anything. Or even both. Added revenue. Say bye bye to poverty forever. Thank us later.
Going to any type of church in Nigeria, you will definitely meet these sets of people. They sometimes make going to church fun and sometimes a little frustrating.
1. The Annoying Usher
They want you to walk all the way to the front to sit down, won’t leave you alone all service, always check to see if you are using your bible app on your iPad and tap you when you are taking a nap. Please leave me alone now.
2. The Oversabi Choir Member
They can sing perfectly off key, always try to drown out the other choristers voices, wear the most ridiculous outfits and are there for show off. Madam, church not project fame.
3. The Prayer Warrior
This is the person that prays aggressively consistently. Inside the lions den kind of prayer, If you stand close you may lose a tooth.
4. The Weirdos
These ones never close their eyes when prayer is on. To make matters worse they can maintain eye contact like it will take them to heaven. Oga, Jesus is not on my face now.
5. The Town Crier
They have the loudest voices. Whether it is the choir singing or during prayers you can hear them from miles away. Bros/Sis take it easy.
6. The Jonahs
These ones are always sleeping. No matter the event, opening prayer, sermon, tithe. You will find them nodding their heads and almost falling off their chairs. Kuku stay at home and sleep.
7. The Commentator
“Yes Pastor”, “preach on”, “Speak the word sir”. Sir/Mam, the Pastor knows his job now. Church, not football field.
8. Drama Queens
We don’t know if its legit. Small prayer, small breeze the pastor blows inside microphone they are rolling from the altar to the back door and back.
9. Holiest Holly
These set of people make you feel like the devil. They are perfect or act like they are perfect. Making you wonder if it’s the same heaven you are trying to get it.
10. The National Stadium Gele Women
These people came to church to ensure you don’t see a thing. With geles looking like Teslim Balogun stadium, and they know where to seat to block the view of the whole of the congregation behind them. Blocking someone’s blessings. Stress.
11. Fashion Police
They are in church to critique what everyone is wearing. “See sister Linda carrying a fake Hermes bag oh”, “why is brother kcee dressed like a traffic light?”. And they themselves… Please God accepts us as we are.
12. The Dancehall Person
These set of people came to church to bust the new dance steps they learnt all week. Once it’s time for thanksgiving just let them be, they will dance their hearts out then take a nap during the sermon.
13. The Wale Adenuga’s
Testimony time and ten minutes into their testimony they say “in a nutshell” and carry on for ten more minutes. Testimony time not “Oh Father Oh Daughter” seasons 1-5.
14. The False Prophets
“Sister Toke, I saw a vision and God said I should marry you”, “brother Paul, I think God has put you in my path”.
