Child | Page 2 of 2

1. You, when your mother says you’re going to the market with her.

The stress begins.
2. How she holds her purse when she is walking through the market:

Can’t risk it, abeg.
3. When she passes the first shop selling it N500 and walks 30 minutes to buy it for N490 from her customer.

Na wa.
4. When she starts pricing and you actually feel like she is cheating the seller.

Mummy, take it easy na.
5. You, after she successfully prices from N2000 down to N200.

Even though it took forever.
6. When your mother that said she just wanted to buy meat is now pricing lace.

How did we get here?
7. When people are still grabbing and shouting at you with your mother right there.

Hian! Do I look like the one with the money?
8. You, constantly trying to keep up with how fast she is walking:

Chai! Slow down na.
9. When she sees one of her friends and they just stand there gisting.

Kuku kill me.
10. When your mum said you’d be done in an hour and you look at the time:

The lies.
11. When your mother leaves your hand in a crowd and you can’t find her again.

Hay God!
12. You, after making your 4th trip to the car to drop off what she bought.

I just can’t.
13. Your hand, after you spend the whole day carrying her bag:

The struggle.
14. When you finally leave the market smelling like stockfish.

UGH!
1. You have to come out of the womb knowing how to wash dishes and sweep the house.

Why else do you think you were born?
2. You have to be very talented but you cannot become a musician.

Use your talents to entertain us around the house.
3. If you are having academic issues, keep it to yourself.

All your parents want to see are those As.
4. As a Nigerian child, your career options are limited to Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer…maybe Accountant.

In that order. The lower you go, the more disappointing you are.
5. You’re a child, so everything that goes wrong in the house is your fault.

…even when it isn’t, just accept the beating.
6. As a Nigerian child you need to be self sufficient from babyhood.

Wake yourself up, dress yourself up and drive yourself to school.
7. You should have no social life, but you must get married at the appointed time.

No one cares how you do it, just make it happen.
8. Remember to never ask questions, challenge your parents or disagree.

You’re a child, you have no opinions.
9. Don’t try to have a conversation with your parents. You should be seen not heard.

Okay?
10. Anticipate your parents’ needs, so that you can fulfill it before they even ask.

That’s a good boy!
11. You should have all the available meanings of ‘kini’ at your fingertips so that when your mom says “Bring my Kini”, you’re there.

This is it!
12. If your mother ever has to make her own meals or wash a dish, you have failed as a child.

Just so you know.
1. Half the time, everyone forgets that you exist.

You can run away and no one would notice.
2. But when it’s time for chores you are stuck with the ones your older and younger siblings don’t want.

I’m not even mad.
3. When there are 4 of you and they even treat the second born better than you.

Na wa oh! I’m not even really in the middle.
4. When your siblings are arguing and you know you have to solve it.

I didn’t ask for this.
5. You’re constantly being bullied by the oldest and annoyed by the youngest.

This isn’t even life.
6. Somehow you’re blamed for everything. Because the oldest is too old to have done it and the youngest is too young to do it.

But I’m the perfect criminal? Great!
7. When your achievements don’t mean as much because your elder sibling already did it and your younger sibling will also do it.

So basically no need.
8. When your mom calls you every other siblings’ name except your own.

No, these are not tears.
9. When you suck up and do oversabi yet no one ever notices or gives you credit.

Hay God!
10. Whenever you remember that you were once the last born and you notice your younger sibling.

Kai God!
11. When your mom comes to pick her kids at school but she forgets you.

I’m here! Jesus!
12. Everyone in the house has a nickname but no one can be bothered to give you one.

Give me a nickname. Any nickname!
13. When your birthday isn’t enough of an event to be remembered.

Don’t mind me. This is only the day I came into the world.
14. For some reason, everyone assumes you require less attention than other kids.

Why?!
15. But you get away with doing so many things because everyone forgets that you exist.

Winning!

1. You, when your mother says you’re going to the market with her.

2. How she holds her purse when she is walking through the market:

3. When she passes the first shop selling it N500 and walks 30 minutes to buy it for N490 from her customer.

4. When she starts pricing and you actually feel like she is cheating the seller.

5. You, after she successfully prices from N2000 down to N200.

6. When your mother that said she just wanted to buy meat is now pricing lace.

7. When people are still grabbing and shouting at you with your mother right there.

8. You, constantly trying to keep up with how fast she is walking:

9. When she sees one of her friends and they just stand there gisting.

10. When your mum said you’d be done in an hour and you look at the time:

11. When your mother leaves your hand in a crowd and you can’t find her again.

12. You, after making your 4th trip to the car to drop off what she bought.

13. Your hand, after you spend the whole day carrying her bag:

14. When you finally leave the market smelling like stockfish.

1. You have to come out of the womb knowing how to wash dishes and sweep the house.

2. You have to be very talented but you cannot become a musician.

3. If you are having academic issues, keep it to yourself.

4. As a Nigerian child, your career options are limited to Doctor, Engineer, Lawyer…maybe Accountant.

5. You’re a child, so everything that goes wrong in the house is your fault.

6. As a Nigerian child you need to be self sufficient from babyhood.

7. You should have no social life, but you must get married at the appointed time.

8. Remember to never ask questions, challenge your parents or disagree.

9. Don’t try to have a conversation with your parents. You should be seen not heard.

10. Anticipate your parents’ needs, so that you can fulfill it before they even ask.

11. You should have all the available meanings of ‘kini’ at your fingertips so that when your mom says “Bring my Kini”, you’re there.

12. If your mother ever has to make her own meals or wash a dish, you have failed as a child.

1. Half the time, everyone forgets that you exist.

2. But when it’s time for chores you are stuck with the ones your older and younger siblings don’t want.

3. When there are 4 of you and they even treat the second born better than you.

4. When your siblings are arguing and you know you have to solve it.

5. You’re constantly being bullied by the oldest and annoyed by the youngest.

6. Somehow you’re blamed for everything. Because the oldest is too old to have done it and the youngest is too young to do it.

7. When your achievements don’t mean as much because your elder sibling already did it and your younger sibling will also do it.

8. When your mom calls you every other siblings’ name except your own.

9. When you suck up and do oversabi yet no one ever notices or gives you credit.

10. Whenever you remember that you were once the last born and you notice your younger sibling.

11. When your mom comes to pick her kids at school but she forgets you.

12. Everyone in the house has a nickname but no one can be bothered to give you one.

13. When your birthday isn’t enough of an event to be remembered.

14. For some reason, everyone assumes you require less attention than other kids.

15. But you get away with doing so many things because everyone forgets that you exist.