Friendship breakups hurt, but sometimes, people say things so wild they make you question your entire relationship with them.
We asked six Nigerians to tell us the exact moment they knew a friendship had to end, and the toxic beliefs that pushed them to that point.
“He said beating a woman is just ‘discipline’” — *Amina, 26
Sometimes, discovering friendship deal-breakers comes as a shock. For *Amina, it was realising her close friend supported domestic violence.
“I had this friend I was super close to. One day, I sent him a tweet downplaying physical abuse, expecting us to drag it together. Instead, he said women exaggerate abuse and that sometimes, a man needs to ‘discipline’ his woman.
He added that his dad beats his mum when she ‘oversteps’, and he wouldn’t mind doing it to his wife if she did. That was my last conversation with him. I blocked him immediately. There was no need for goodbyes. Why should I be friends with someone like that?”
“He was joining a ‘misunderstood’ cult” — *Mary, 30
*Mary ran faster than her shadow when her crush revealed a secret so unsettling, she couldn’t compromise.
“*Andrew was a dependable friend who was always there for me. I even had a slight crush on him. One day, we got talking about spirituality, and I mentioned that I attend Cherubim and Seraphim. He got really comfortable and told me his dad is a top member of the Ogboni cult. He claimed they’re mostly misunderstood and casually said that when a member dies, they cut off a part of the person to preserve for the cult. He added that his own initiation was coming up in a few months.
I never waited to find out how misunderstood they were. I started avoiding him immediately.”
“He tried to get me addicted to Colorado” — *Olamide, 24
Living with a friend can either bring you closer or reveal their true colours. In *Olamide’s case, he got to know of *Tomiwa’s toxic habit and nearly got pulled in.
“My friend, Tomiwa, had issues with his landlord, and so I let him stay with me for a while. I didn’t know he was a full-blown Colorado addict. He smoked like he had spare lungs.
At first, I took a few puffs when he offered, but I noticed myself getting pulled in. My house reeked of smoke. Tomiwa never cleaned up after himself and got mad when I asked him to reduce smoking.
I eventually kicked him out, and that led to a huge fight that eventually ended our friendship. We don’t speak anymore, and I have no regrets.”
“She took me to a herbalist to get pregnant” — *Chioma, 37
Desperation sometimes drives people to extremes. *Chioma thought her friend, Ada, took her’s too far.
“I struggled to conceive for a long time. Doctors said everything was fine, but nothing was happening. Out of frustration, I turned to prayer meetings. That’s where I met *Ada, who introduced me to a Kaduna pastor who helped her conceive. After praying, he handed me a list of items for spiritual cleansing.
It was a long list with weird items like white doves, 50 litres of palm oil, and a tortoise’s penis. It felt like I was in an episode of African magic. He said I could just pay ₦400k and he’d get them for me. I called Ada aside and told her he sounded more like a herbalist than a pastor, but she insisted I proceed.
I played along, paid half the money and his transport, just to get out of there. Then I blocked his number and avoided Ada. Thank God I was patient. I now have two children, and no tortoise had to die.”
“He told me it was a woman’s job to feed him” — *Mimi, 27
*Mimi didn’t know her re-connection with Abdul would turn her into a personal chef. His misogynistic mindset was her final dealbreaker.
“My childhood friend, *Abdul, and I reconnected when we got into the same uni abroad. It felt great to have someone from home with me. We did a lot together, and I even cooked for him often. I concluded he was just struggling to afford takeout, since he wasn’t earning much.
One day, I asked why he never tried cooking. Abdul said, “Why would I need to cook when I have you?” I thought he was joking until he added, ‘My mum and sister cook for me at home. If you weren’t here, I’d find another woman to feed me.’
That was my reality check. I also noticed Abdul only checked in when he needed something. I once went through a horrible breakup and needed support, but he didn’t show up for me. That was my sign he needed to go.”
“Male friendships are transactional to her” — *Dayo, 28
*Dayo had to learn the painful way that his long-term friend only saw him as her ATM.
“In uni, I had this female friend who used to call me ‘bestie.’ To her, that title came with expectations. Somehow, I was the one paying for her nails, lunch and random things. I found it odd, but I shrugged it off as being generous.
After uni, we drifted apart, until she found out I’d been in a terrible accident. She reached out, checked in a couple of times, and it felt nice to have her back. But less than a week later, she texted me to pay for her hair. Mind you, I’d just gotten out of surgery.
That was when it clicked that our entire friendship was a financial transaction to her. I didn’t respond. I haven’t heard from her since.”
“He said sex couldn’t wait because I have a Vagina“— *Regina, 23
*Regina realised early that if someone sees your body as something they’re entitled to, the relationship isn’t worth holding on to.
“*Mike and I were friends first before things started getting romantic. When I noticed, I told him that I planned to wait till marriage before sex. He knew I was a strong Christian, so I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal.
But he snapped and said, “I’ll be horny when you have a vagina, and you think you can tell me to wait?” That statement was so jarring, and it made me rethink every red flag I’d glossed over. I remembered his off-hand jokes about women and how he casually rated girls like they were meat on a shelf.
I slowly ghosted him. He tried reaching out a few times, but I never responded. For me, some values just aren’t up for debate.”
“They think cheating should be normal” — *Qosim, 29
*Qosim’s story proves that sometimes, it’s not one big betrayal that ends a friendship, but the slow realisation that your values no longer align.
“My friend group had very questionable views about fidelity. They constantly bragged about cheating on their wives and girlfriends, and were planning a boy’s trip with the sole aim of sleeping with women from different countries. They saw absolutely nothing wrong with it and even accused me of pretending to be holy.
It really bothered me. I have strong personal values about relationships, and let’s be honest, friends rub off on each other. I knew that if I stayed around that energy for too long, I might end up compromising my relationship. So, I started to pull away.”
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