There’s something uniquely difficult about letting go of an ex, especially one who didn’t mistreat you. Maybe the timing was wrong. Maybe the breakup was mutual. Maybe the love didn’t end, just the relationship. So even after unfollowing, deleting pictures, or entering something new, some people still find themselves picking up their ex’s calls. Meeting up “just to talk.” Offering help they wouldn’t give a stranger.
For these Nigerians, letting go hasn’t just been hard, it’s been almost impossible.
“I broke off our engagement, but I still can’t say no to her” — *Tolu, 44
*Tolu says he ended things with his ex-fiancée after they discovered they were both AS, but the emotional connection never really ended, even after marriage on both sides.
“She was my fiancée. We dated for four years, got engaged, and then discovered we were both AS. We cried, prayed, but at the end of the day, we knew it was best to let it go. God forbid we intentionally bring kids into the world to suffer.
Now, she’s married with a child. I’m also married. But if she calls me today for help — anything at all — I’ll show up. She needed someone to help her review a business proposal last month, and I left work to meet her. Last year, I sent her almost ₦500k when her business was struggling. My wife knows we still talk, but doesn’t know how much. She thinks it’s just the occasional check-in. We’ve only crossed the line once. It happened two years ago when her husband travelled. We were talking, laughing — the kind of easy flow I don’t even have with my wife — and it just happened. We both agreed it couldn’t happen again. But I’ve never stopped feeling responsible for her.”
“We said we’d stay friends. Big mistake” — *Chioma, 29
After three years together, *Chioma thought she could transition from girlfriend to friend. But staying in touch with her ex created a loop of intimacy she couldn’t escape, until she almost ruined a new relationship.
“We broke up because he wanted to relocate to another state, but we were still in each other’s lives. At first, it was just check-ins, birthdays, and hangouts. Then one night, he was horny, I was horny, and it just happened. That became the pattern: we’d sleep together whenever we were bored or lonely. I kept telling myself it was harmless because we weren’t ‘in love’ anymore. The madness finally ended last year when I started seeing someone seriously. I told my ex we needed boundaries, and I blocked him on everything. But we bumped into each other again this February. I was doing fine until he touched me — the same way he always used to — and all the boundaries I set disappeared. We had sex twice after that. I haven’t told my boyfriend, and I don’t plan to. I’ve soft-blocked the ex everywhere now, but I’m scared. If we ever see again, I might mess up.”
“It never ended badly, so we keep picking it back up” — *Dayo, 30
*Dayo and his ex never officially broke up. They just drifted apart due to life’s demands. But the spark never fully died, and distance is the only thing keeping them apart.
“He was my first boyfriend. We met during our JAMB and were inseparable. Then uni came, NYSC happened, and we ended up in different states. We didn’t fight, it wasn’t cheating or drama. Life just happened. Even now, whenever I’m in Lagos or he’s in Abuja, we link up and things just happen. There’s no awkwardness; we pick up like no time has passed. I’ve dated other people, and so has he. But none of that has ever stopped us from being drawn to each other. I think it’s because we never got closure. No one ever said, ‘It’s over.’ We just kept postponing the ending.
Maybe we’ll stop one day, but right now? We still have a soft spot for each other. A call or text from him, and I’m off.”
“I miss the thrill and the money” — *Feyi, 28
*Feyi says her situationship with her ex was a blur of orgasms, fat bank alerts, and emotional chaos. And even though she’s moved on, he’s still just one call away.
“He wasn’t a boyfriend, just one of those rich older men you fall into. It started with money, I needed funds for my final year project, and he sent ₦100k. Next thing I knew, we were doing lunches, sleepovers, and trips. The thing is, he gave easily when I asked, but if I actually showed up when he called? I knew I was coming back with major funds. Sometimes ₦400k. Once, ₦1m. The sex was intense, too. He wasn’t the freakiest, but he knew how to make me feel wanted. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the sex with him. I’m in a relationship now. But every few months, the guy sends a text like, “Where are you?” or “I miss how you used to laugh.” It’s his coded way of asking to meet. Sometimes I don’t respond immediately; not trying to give him the impression that I’m on speed dial. But eventually I always respond, especially when I’m super broke. One of these days, I’ll block him for real. But I haven’t yet.”
“I know I’ll go back if she even hints at it” — *Jide, 30
*Jide says she wasn’t even technically his ex. But he’s sure she’s the one who got away.
“We never officially dated, but we should have. We were close friends in uni, and everyone around us swore we were a couple. I liked her, she liked me, but for some reason, we just never said the words. Then NYSC happened. Distance. Life. And we drifted.
Now, ten years later, I still think about her. I’m in a relationship, but every time I see her Instagram posts, the feelings come flooding back. She’s even more beautiful now; soft skin, gym body, still single as far as I can tell. I respect my current relationship and don’t reach out beyond the occasional emoji reply. But if she so much as hints at wanting to try something, I know I don’t have the willpower to say no. I think some people just live in your system rent-free.”
“I said no for four years. Then I saw him again” — *Bisi, 27
For *Bisi, avoiding her ex was easy until he moved back to Lagos and reminded her of everything she missed.
“We dated back in uni. He was my guy. I even thought he was going to propose until he got a scholarship and moved abroad. Long-distance wasn’t working, so we ended things, and I moved on. Got into another relationship, broke up, got into another again. And then one day last year, he texted, “Hey. I’m in Lagos. Can we hang out?” We met up for drinks about a week later, and the minute I saw him, I knew I was in trouble. He looked the same, maybe even better. We talked till late into the night, then he walked me to my car and kissed me. That night, I drove home shaking. The next week, I slept over at his place and we had intense sex; the type where it’s almost similar to a marathon.
The thing is, we didn’t have sex while we dated. We did everything but sex because I wasn’t ready yet. So having sex with him felt like a completely new experience. It’s happened twice since. I’ve told myself it’s done now, but I know myself. If he calls again, I’ll probably go. It’s hard walking away from someone who still feels like home. I’m not currently dating, so it’s not like I’m doing anything bad. I just hate that he’s cheating on his babe with me. But I guess that’s on him.”
“He always showed up” — *Yinka, 33
Not every ex is hard to let go of because of lingering romance. For *Yinka, her ex-lover’s reliability has made it hard to cut him off.
“I dated my ex for two years, and the truth is, I never really saw a forever with him. We didn’t have the same values, and our communication styles were completely different. But he had one thing going for him: he always showed up.
I’d mention I had a flat tyre, and he’d already be on his way before I could finish the story. When I lost my dad, he was there every single day for weeks. Not asking questions, just helping to coordinate logistics, food, even sitting in silence when that’s all I could manage.
We broke up because of constant misunderstandings, but it’s been hard not to call him whenever I feel overwhelmed. When my mum was rushed to the hospital last year, he was the first person I called, not even my current partner. He didn’t hesitate. He came straight to the hospital, stayed overnight, and helped with the paperwork. I’ve also had to show up for him on days when he needs me. He tries not to ask too much because he knows he only needs to say the words, and I’ll be there.
We haven’t crossed any emotional lines, no flirty messages, no late-night ‘I miss yous.’ But emotionally, I know I lean on him in ways I probably shouldn’t. My boyfriend has pointed it out. He says I light up differently when I talk about my ex. I don’t think I want him back, but I know I haven’t figured out how to replace the version of care he gave me. And maybe I’m not in a rush to.”
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