When Bukola* (28) met Toye, she thought it might lead somewhere. Instead, his older brother turned out to be the one who matched what she wanted. She explains why she chose him and why she believes Toye has no reason to feel betrayed.

This is Bukola’s explanation, as shared with  Adeyinka

I met Toye during a random grocery run earlier this year. We got talking while shopping, and before I knew it, he insisted on paying for everything in my basket. I thought it was a sweet gesture, so when he asked for my number afterwards, I gave it to him.

The funny thing is, nothing really happened after we exchanged contact details. For almost a month, we barely spoke. In fact, it got to a point where I wondered why he even collected my number. I wasn’t expecting constant communication from someone I’d just met, but there was almost complete silence.

Things only picked up after I posted pictures on my WhatsApp status one day. He suddenly started replying to almost everything I posted. From there, we began talking more regularly, and he’d occasionally tell me he liked me. Even then, I never really took him seriously because nothing about his approach felt intentional. It felt like we were just passing time.

About three weeks later, he invited me to his mum’s birthday. I wasn’t expecting much, but when I got there, I realised this wasn’t your average family gathering. It was a proper party, and that was when I found out Toye came from a well-to-do family. He introduced me to a few relatives, including two of his older brothers. I also learnt he was the lastborn.

As I was leaving, one of his older brothers stopped me. We exchanged a few words, and then he asked for my number.

I won’t lie, I hesitated. It felt a little strange because, technically, I’d met him through Toye. But after thinking about it for a few seconds, I couldn’t come up with any real reason to say no. Toye and I weren’t dating. He hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend. We hadn’t even had a proper conversation about where things were headed. So I gave his brother my number and went home.

From that night, everything changed. His brother called me the next day. We had an actual conversation instead of the random chats I’d become used to with Toye. He asked thoughtful questions, listened, and didn’t disappear for days before remembering I existed again.

The weekend after the party, he asked me out on a date. That date confirmed everything I’d already suspected. He was calm, mature and very direct. He had a good job, knew exactly what he wanted and told me from the beginning that he was dating with marriage in mind. There was no guessing or trying to decode mixed signals.

After that first outing, we went on a few more dates, and each one made me like him even more. It wasn’t even about him having more money or being older. I simply liked the fact that he was intentional. At this stage of my life, that’s what matters most to me.

Then he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I didn’t have to think about it for long before saying yes.

The problem started when Toye found out. He called me, furious, asking how I could start talking to his brother. According to him, I’d crossed a line.

I genuinely didn’t understand where the anger was coming from. I reminded him that we barely had anything. He was the one who spent the first month acting like he’d forgotten he even had my number. Even after we started talking consistently, he never defined anything between us. He never asked me out. He never told me what he wanted beyond saying he liked me.

So what exactly was I supposed to wait for? He’s acting like I left a relationship, but there was no relationship to leave.

If anything, calling what we had a “talking stage” already gives it too much importance. We were just two people who occasionally talked after meeting at a supermarket. His brother came along and did what Toye never did. He was direct and intentional about what he wanted from the get-go.

I’m 28. I’m no longer interested in relationships where I have to sit around wondering whether someone actually wants me. I’m dating for marriage now, and that naturally means I’ll choose the person who makes his intentions obvious.

I spoke to a few friends, and they think I should’ve rejected the older brother simply because he was Toye’s sibling. I don’t agree.

If Toye and I had dated, built a relationship, or even established that we were exclusive, I’d understand why people would say I crossed a line. I probably wouldn’t have entertained his brother either. But that’s not what happened. Nobody can convince me that I owed loyalty to someone who never gave me clarity.

The whole thing eventually became exhausting because Toye wouldn’t let it go. Every conversation turned into him accusing me of betraying him, and I got tired of explaining myself. I blocked him because I honestly didn’t see the point anymore. 

I don’t feel guilty about choosing the person who showed up with intention over the brother who expected me to wait around.

The funniest part in all of these is that he isn’t even confronting his brother. Shouldn’t he have stopped his brother from approaching me or something? His brother hasn’t said anything either, and I’m not sure if I want to bring it up.

Whatever the case, I like what we have at the moment and even though it may sound harsh to Toye, I’d make the same decision again.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.