All The Times You Could Have Killed Your Mother


October 2, 2019

I was listening to Nicki Minaj’s “All things go” the other day and the “this life is a movie, but there will never be a sequel” line hit; it’s true, this life no get part two. I’m not writing about our mortality or where we rank in the grand scheme of things; no morbid thoughts this week.

We have been handed our scripts with the plots, story arcs, and all, ready to have the performance of a lifetime.

Nigerian mothers are one of the most colourful characters in this packaged entertainment. Their lines are freaking perfect too; with one-liners, you can’t help but admire. Now that I think about it, it is not so much about the lines, but the delivery.

You must have heard this line, in different variations while growing up:

I DID NOT KILL MY MOTHER, YOU WILL NOT KILL ME.

– All Nigerian Mothers ever.

Flashbacks are effective storytelling techniques in movies, so why don’t we take a stroll to all the probable times you might have heard those recurring lines.

The Time You Broke A Dish

In this movie, mistakes don’t happen, especially not from a kid. You were supposed to get yourself together. And who better to remind you of this, than your mother?

So, all the times you broke a dish or anything, really, you knew your mother was not going to let it go, and for the most part you were right.

But after the series of reprimands, she would slowed down her roll. And she would say the classic lines, “I did not kill my mother, you will not kill me.” She would ask you if you cut yourself later, but you had to think about what you’d done first.

The Time You Lost A Younger Sibling

Your younger siblings came, and your life wasn’t the same anymore. For starters, you became the standard of which their actions were judged. Everything they did was a reflection of your actions. You tried to keep them in control, but they had been given a mischievous character to play, to your chagrin.

Your job description included keeping both eyes on them and tracking every bit of their movement. God help you if you fail in this task. But you did fail on some occasions and you had to admit that you didn’t know where they were.

Of course, your mother didn’t find it amusing and out came the verbal onslaught. When your sibling eventually returned home and after she’d confirmed that they were unhurt, she would cast you one of those looks, followed by the lines you may or may not have been anticipating; I did not kill my mother, you will not kill me.

Ah, this is Timeless: The Time You Let Your Grades Slip

You were an investment; you had to always bring your A-Game everywhere. They could compromise on others, but when it was about your academics, you had to be at your best. Well, there was this time your grades didn’t fit into their idea of excellence.

Your father (another colourful character) didn’t understand how you could let it happen, not when he had an impeccable academic track record . Your mother couldn’t understand it, either, but she wasn’t going to stress herself about it this time. If you didn’t get the memo, she didn’t kill her mother, and there was no way in hell that she was going to let you kill her.

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