On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.

After a manipulative relationship, Christy* (27) thought she’d finally found a partner who ticked all her boxes. Then she discovered that the man she planned to marry had been keeping major secrets from her.

In this episode of On the Streets, she walks us through how it all unfolded and shares why her experiences have made her more cautious about dating.

What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m single and taking a break from dating. I’ve had some terrible relationship experiences, and I’ve realised I’m most at peace when I’m single.

How did you get to this point? Walk me through your love life

My first and longest relationship began in 2019, during my second year at university. Shalom* was my coursemate and we started dating after people around us kept shipping us together. I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but we were friends, and eventually, we decided to give it a try.

There wasn’t much of a strong romantic connection between us at first. We got together largely because everyone thought we’d make a good couple.

As we spent more time together, though, I began to realise that we might have made a mistake.

What were some of the things you noticed?

Shalom was an impulsive liar who played mind games. He could say something one day and deny it the next.

For example, there was a girl he’d told me he’d slept with before we started dating. They continued hanging out, which made me uncomfortable. Whenever I questioned him about it, he’d deny ever telling me they’d slept together. Eventually, he admitted he’d said it but claimed he’d made the whole thing up. I got tired of trying to figure out what was true.

It got so bad that I’d sometimes record our arguments because I knew he’d later deny saying certain things. On one occasion, he even claimed I’d confessed to cheating on him in my sleep. It felt like he was constantly trying to mess with my head.

Why didn’t you leave?

We broke up and got back together so many times that I lost count. Being classmates and sharing a circle of friends made it difficult to get away from him completely. It wasn’t until 2021 that I finally found the courage to end things for good. I told him I was done and started avoiding him.

That’s  when he started threatening to kill himself. He sent me disturbing messages, claiming he’d attempted suicide and that his roommates had rushed him to the hospital. I was terrified, so I contacted a mutual friend to check on him. The friend eventually confirmed that none of it was true.

Sounds crazy

That was my final straw. I blocked him and warned him that if he contacted me again with threats like that, I’d report him to the school. Thankfully, he backed off, and we graduated shortly afterwards.

After that relationship, I wanted nothing to do with dating for about a year. 

When I eventually felt ready to try again, I had a few talking stages that didn’t work out. I also began to feel that men my age weren’t as mature as I’d hoped. Then I met Charles* in 2023, and he seemed to have everything I was looking for.

Tell me about Charles. How did you meet?

I met him one night after getting my hair done. It was quite late, and the salon was inside an estate. I had a bit of a walk ahead of me when he stopped and offered to drop me outside the estate. He was friendly during the ride. We  chatted, I warmed up to him, and we exchanged numbers.

Charles was intentional about getting to know me. He suggested dates and made plans, which was different from what I was used to. In my previous relationship, which lasted over four years, I’d only been on one proper date.

With Charles, we’d go out after work and find different things to do together. He was a sweet talker, but he also followed through on his words.

I remember thinking, “So this is what dating a grown man feels like.” A few weeks after we met, he told me he was 43.

You were just 24 at the time. Did the age difference concern you?

I definitely had reservations about dating someone almost twice my age. Initially, I thought we’d keep things casual, but as I got to know him, I developed feelings and became more open to the idea of a relationship.

Apart from his age, he also came clean about his past. He’d been married before and it wasn’t a peaceful marriage. He painted a picture of a bitter ex-wife who kept his children away from him and had turned them against him. He seemed hurt whenever I asked questions about the marriage, so I stopped pressing him. I told myself his past didn’t necessarily have to define our future.

Looking back, I think I was overlooking things that should have concerned me. His religious and spiritual practices, in particular, made me uncomfortable.

What do you mean?

Charles could be secretive, and sometimes I couldn’t read him. He claimed to be a Christian, but he also had spiritual practices that I wasn’t familiar with.

He had special water that he used when bathing and sprinkled things around his house. Some days, he would dress in white and stay indoors on his pastor’s instructions. I wasn’t comfortable making the relationship official until I could establish that there was nothing occultic about these practices.

His temper was another red flag. He  dismissed me as though I had no right to question him or offer an opinion. He frequently reminded me that I was much younger than him, making it clear that  he didn’t consider us equals.

These were some serious reservations, why did you still pursue the relationship?

At the time, I felt his good qualities outweighed the bad. A year later, he was talking about marriage and encouraging me to introduce him to my parents. We eventually had our introduction, although my parents had some reservations about our age difference. They eventually accepted him.

Things became more difficult when he began pushing for us to move in together. He wasn’t financially ready for the wedding, but I wasn’t comfortable living with him before that. I didn’t want to take on the responsibilities of looking after someone I wasn’t married to.

We argued about it often. After one of those arguments, we went a few days without speaking. I decided to make peace by cooking something for him and taking it to his house as a surprise.

He wasn’t home when I arrived, so I asked the security guard when he would be back. The guard told me that whenever Charles went off like that, he usually stayed away for several days. 

I tried calling several times, but he didn’t answer until the following evening. When he finally did, he was defensive and told me I had no business questioning where he went or what he did.

I let the matter go, but I decided that the next time I had the opportunity, I’d look through his phone. What I found shocked me.

What did you discover?

He’d been with another woman he referred to as his wife, and they had a child together.

I started investigating and eventually found her social media page. There were pictures of them together and evidence that they’d had a traditional marriage. Their relationship had been on and off, but they’d recently reconciled.

When I confronted him, he tried to explain it away. He said they’d only reconciled because of their child. Then he turned it around on me, saying refusal to move in with him had pushed him back to her.

He refused to let me end the relationship and tried to use the introduction between our families to hold me down. While we were still going back and forth, I decided to investigate further. Even though I hoped there was nothing left to find, I found more damning information about his past. My fiancé had been married three times before.

From what I heard, he’d cheated on his first wife and abandoned her with their children. I also learned that he’d swindled his second wife’s brothers out of money they were supposed to invest in a business together, then disappeared to be with the third woman.

That must have been a lot to take in

It was. The more I investigated, the more I uncovered. Yet he still insisted he hadn’t lied to me because his marriages to the other women had only been traditional.

Eventually, our confrontation turned into a shouting match, and he walked out. I thought that was the end of it, but a few weeks later, he reached out and suggested we could still work things out. I couldn’t believe he expected me to forget everything I’d discovered. I told him to go back to his child’s mother because I was no longer interested, then blocked him everywhere.

It was difficult accepting that I’d been so deeply deceived. At the same time, I was grateful I hadn’t agreed to move in with him or gone ahead with the wedding.

I’m glad you made the right decision. What’s dating been like since then?

I’ve tried, but I’m much more sceptical now. Earlier this year, I  met someone else and did my due diligence. I found out he’d been physically abusive towards his ex-partner, and that was enough for me to walk away.

So far, the dating scene has been exhausting. I don’t have much hope left in men and I’m not ready to put myself through another traumatic experience.

How have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?

I’ve learnt not to take everything someone tells me about their past at face value. Find out why their previous relationships ended and, where possible, verify what they’re telling you.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

10/10 please. I’d rather be single than deal with another relationship filled with lies and stress. Like I said, I’m usually at my most peaceful and happiest when I’m single.

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