On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.

For Demilade* (24), ending an eight-year relationship meant letting go of someone she’d imagined a future with. But after one too many disappointments, she reached her breaking point.

In this episode of On the Streets, she shares how her relationship unravelled, what finally made her walk away and how the experience has changed the way she thinks about love and relationships.

What’s your relationship status, and how do you feel about it?

I’m single. I recently got out of an eight-year relationship that shaped much of my formative years, so being on my own feels strange. But I’m using this time to learn more about myself.

Take me back to the beginning. How did the relationship start?

Israel* and I met in 2018 when we signed up for remedial classes to get into university. He was one of the smartest people and most popular people in our class. I developed a crush on him early on and started borrowing his books as an excuse to get closer to him. A couple of months later, he caught feelings for me too, and we started dating.

Sweet. What were the early days like?

The first year was lovely. We were so close that people started calling us the class couple.

We both gained admission to the same university in 2019, and that was when I started noticing our differences. I was outgoing, while he preferred to keep to himself. He also lacked the romance and thoughtfulness I wanted from a boyfriend.

Did those differences bother you?

Eventually, it did. It was in the little things. If we got the same amount of food, for instance, he’d take the bigger share without considering whether I wanted more. He rarely asked what I wanted or made an effort to make me feel considered. I brushed it off at first, but it kept happening.

In 2022, I really wanted a particular pair of trainers that was popular on Instagram. I kept mentioning them, hoping he’d remember and surprise me, but he waited until they were sold out. I was crushed when he told me. 

I’d see other people making thoughtful gestures for their partners, and wonder why I couldn’t enjoy the same. I just wanted to feel that my boyfriend listened to me and cared enough to make an effort.

Eventually, my constant disappointment turned into resentment. When I told him how hurt I felt, he couldn’t understand why it mattered. We argued about it, and I eventually broke up with him.

Were you able to move on?

The breakup lasted less than a month. Around that time, a friend went through a terrible experience with an ex who physically abused and damaged her reputation at school. Watching her made me question whether my issues with Israel were serious enough to end our relationship.

My friends and family also liked him, so they downplayed my reasons for leaving. Meanwhile, Israel kept trying to win me back and promised to do better. Eventually, I gave him another chance.

Did things improve this time around?

Not really. But I kept telling myself, What I have is still better than what’s out there. He wasn’t cheating or doing anything I considered terrible at the time, so I convinced myself to accept less than I actually wanted.

I also hated how little he encouraged me to explore my interests. In my final year at university, I saved up to visit tourist attractions in the western part of the country. He was reluctant to join me, even though I regularly joined him for things he enjoyed, like watching sci-fi films.

I wanted to start a business, too, but he discouraged me until I abandoned the idea. I started feeling trapped and eventually betrayed his trust. 

Oh. What happened?

While preparing for NYSC, Israel and I agreed to manoeuvre our postings so we could both serve in Kwara. However, I wanted some space, so I secretly arranged to serve in Lagos without telling him beforehand.

He was upset when he found out I’d gone against our plans, and it strained our relationship for a while. During that period, I ran into Malik*, my brother’s friend, at the gym. We exchanged numbers, started hanging out, and eventually we hooked up.

Weren’t you still with Israel at the time?

Yes. I was cheating on him. I felt guilty, but I needed an outlet. Malik was the opposite of Israel, which was part of the appeal.

Still, I never considered leaving Israel for him. Malik was my brother’s friend, and I knew my brother wouldn’t take kindly to that situation. He was also a playboy, so pursuing a relationship with him would have been setting myself up for heartbreak. We continued seeing each other for much of my service year until he left the country. 

By then, things with Israel had improved, and I thought we might finally work out. But our relationship fell apart again when he decided to move in with me earlier this year.

Screaming. What led to that arrangement?

He sprang it on me. It was meant to be temporary while he looked for a job and saved up for his own place in Lagos. I thought it was a good step because, for the first time, he seemed to be showing some ambition. 

But living together quickly exposed just how inconsiderate he was. I’d go to work, come home and cook, but getting him to wash the plates was a struggle. I had to nag him to do even the simplest chores.

I also started wondering when he’d take responsibility for himself and our future. He got a job but quit after barely a month because he found it stressful. He had no other job lined up and no savings, so I ended up covering his living expenses for months.

He also took control of the car my dad had sent me. All I asked was for him to pick me up from work, but he’d sometimes show up late or forget altogether. Mind you, I was the one paying for fuel. Despite everything I did for him, he still complained when I went out. I constantly had to explain how I spent my time and money.

Yikes. Did you bring this up with him?

I didn’t think talking would change anything, so I decided to endure it until he could move out. As frustrated as I was, I couldn’t bring myself to kick him out when he didn’t have a stable job.

By September, though, I’d had enough. One day, I got into an argument with my hairstylist because I wasn’t happy with how she’d done my hair.  I refused to pay the full price, so she got angry and started cutting off the extensions. She  cut my actual hair in the process

We got into a heated argument that turned physical. Most of the people around sided with her, and I felt embarrassed and overwhelmed. I called Israel to pick me up.

By the time he arrived, I was already in tears. But he barely reacted. He didn’t even get out of the car. I expected him to show some concern or defend me, but he did neither.

Then he made things worse. When I got into the car, he complained that I was “fighting like a thug.” I lost it and screamed at him. How could he see his girlfriend bruised and make that his first comment?

He took offence at the way I spoke to him, and we stopped talking for days. Then, days later, he moved out without telling me.

Gosh. Why would he do that?

I have no idea. We argued on a Saturday, and I went to work in my car on Monday. While I was there, Israel texted me to say he was going to his cousin’s place. By the time I got home, most of his things were gone.

I was shocked. When I reached out, he said he no longer felt welcome in my house. I tried to explain why I was upset, but he suggested we take a break. I was done at that point. I told him we needed to break up.

Do you think ending the relationship was the right decision?

Absolutely. This time, I’m not going back, even though everyone expects me to. My family still thinks we had a lovers’ quarrel and will eventually get back together.

But I’ve realised that I don’t need a huge, dramatic betrayal to leave a relationship. I’ve made my decision, and we’ve been broken up for six weeks.

So, how has your experience shaped your idea of love and relationships?

I’ve learnt that it’s easy to stay with someone because you’ve already invested so much time in the relationship. But the time you’ve spent together won’t make the red flags disappear.

I stayed partly because I feared that the next person might be even worse. But I’ve realised it’s better to take that chance than stay in a relationship that no longer works and risk regret in future.

Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.

Probably a 7/10. I enjoy parts of being single, but sometimes it feels strange not having Israel in my life. I still catch myself reaching for my phone in the morning, expecting to see messages from him.

At the same time, I’m in my twenties and have so much potential. I don’t want to spend that time clinging to a relationship that didn’t work out.

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