After losing his mum at a young age, Tony*, 42, was raised by a strict single father who taught him that a man’s greatest responsibility was providing for his family. 13 years into marriage, he says life has completely reshaped that belief.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he shares how a failed business deal made him lean on his wife for the first time, why marrying an ambitious woman changed his idea of marriage, and the argument that transformed how they communicate.
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I never dreamed about marriage; I just wanted a peaceful life
My mum died when I was young, and my dad never remarried. It was just him raising three children, with my grandmother and two aunties stepping in whenever he travelled for work. My dad was a very strict man, so our lives revolved around school, discipline and doing the right thing. There wasn’t room to think about girlfriends or relationships, and because my dad never brought another woman into our lives, marriage wasn’t something I spent time imagining.
Even when I got to university, dating wasn’t on my mind. I wanted to graduate, get a good job and become financially stable. I only started to consider marriage after school, and even then, my expectations were quite simple.
I wanted a peaceful home, a beautiful wife and children. More importantly, I wanted to be financially comfortable enough to provide for them. Growing up, I’d seen enough families struggle because money was tight, and I didn’t want that to become my story. In my mind, the husband carried the responsibility of providing, while the wife supported however she could. That was the kind of marriage I expected to have.
My wife completely changed what I believed about gender roles
The biggest surprise in my marriage has been my wife.
Interestingly, while we were dating, she sounded even more traditional than I was. She would always say she wasn’t interested in any 50-50 arrangement and that any man who couldn’t provide should stay away from her. I didn’t see anything wrong with that because I already believed it was my responsibility to take care of my family.
But marriage showed me another side of her. My wife doesn’t wait for me to ask before she steps in. If something needs to be done for our family, she’s already thinking about how she can help. Sometimes I even have to tell her to slow down because she’s always looking for ways to chip in.
It made me realise that partnership in marriage isn’t about keeping score or dividing responsibilities down the middle. It’s about two people doing whatever they can to make sure the family is okay.
A failed business deal made me question if I’d really been ready for marriage
I’ve always been someone who plans ahead, especially financially. I like knowing that even if something goes wrong, I have enough saved to keep my family comfortable while I recover. But life doesn’t always respect your plans.
About three years after we got married, I got involved in a business deal that went badly and lost a significant amount of money. If it had only been my wife, our first son and me, maybe I would have handled the pressure differently. But around that same period, my wife was pregnant and eventually gave birth to twins. Suddenly, every budgeting plan I’d made stopped making sense.
I started dipping into savings, trying to keep my business afloat and worrying about how I was going to provide for a family that had suddenly become much bigger.
The funny thing is that I didn’t tell my wife any of this. She’d just gone through a difficult delivery and was adjusting to life with newborn twins. I didn’t see the point of adding my own worries to everything she was already carrying.
Still, she noticed that something wasn’t right. One day, I received a credit alert for more than ₦1 million. I honestly thought the bank had made a mistake. When I asked her about it, she simply told me she’d noticed I wasn’t myself and wanted me to use the money to support the business.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more loved than I did in that moment. People often think love is in grand gestures or romantic words, but for me, that action represented something much bigger. It reminded me that I wasn’t carrying my family alone, even though I’d always believed that was my responsibility as the husband.
Learning to support an ambitious wife wasn’t as easy as I expected
One thing nobody prepared me for was what happens when your wife becomes incredibly successful at what she does.
My wife eventually left paid employment to run her event business full-time. The business grew quickly, and with that growth came constant travelling, sleepless nights and long hours.
I admired her work ethic because I could see the impact it was having on our family. She wasn’t just building her business; she was also helping to ease the financial burden on our home.
At the same time, I worried that the demands of the business were beginning to affect the time she could give to our family.
And I struggled to communicate that concern. Whenever I tried to raise it, I worried that it sounded as though I wanted her to slow down or abandon her dreams. That wasn’t what I wanted at all. I just wanted us to remember that, no matter how successful either of us became, our family still had to come first.
It took both of us time to understand each other’s perspective. We had lots of trial and error and hard conversations before we eventually found our footing.
I’ve learnt that timing matters as much as good intentions
After our last child was born, my wife wanted to resume work barely two months later. I suggested she give herself more time to recover because she’d just gone through childbirth.
But, to her, she believed I was only saying it because I wanted her to stay at home, not because I genuinely cared about her well-being.
Looking back, I understand why she interpreted it that way. She’d worked hard to build something she was proud of, and perhaps my timing made it sound like I didn’t appreciate her efforts. Eventually, I apologised. One thing about me is that I don’t struggle with saying sorry. Whether I’m right or wrong, I’d rather apologise than allow resentment to grow.
These days, I’m more careful about how I approach conversations around her work. I’ve learnt that saying the right thing isn’t always enough. Your partner also needs to feel that you understand what matters to them.
My wife taught me that accepting help doesn’t make me less of a man
When I was younger, I believed a man’s value came from being able to provide everything his family needed. Today, I don’t think that’s true.
My wife now earns more than I do because her business has grown tremendously, and I’ve learned not to see that as a competition. We’re building one family, so whether the money comes through her or me, it still benefits all of us.
I remember when we bought our family car. My relatives naturally assumed I was the one who paid for it, but I corrected them immediately and told them my wife bought it.
She wasn’t particularly happy that I said so because she didn’t think it mattered. But I wanted people to know because I was proud of her.
If you’re blessed with a hardworking, generous and successful spouse, I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of. In fact, I think more men should learn to celebrate their wives rather than feel threatened by them.
Love matters, but it can’t sustain a marriage
I believe love is important, but I don’t think it’s enough.
There will be seasons when life puts pressure on your marriage. There will be moments when you disagree, when you’re tired, when money is tight or when one person is carrying more than the other. Those are the moments when patience, trust, understanding and respect become just as important as love.
Sometimes what keeps a marriage together isn’t the excitement you felt at the beginning. Sometimes it’s choosing each other on difficult days and remembering that you’re on the same team.
Looking back now, I think that’s the biggest lesson marriage has taught me. I entered it believing that provision was my greatest responsibility. 13 years later, I know partnership is just as important. My wife has supported me in ways I never imagined, and I hope I’ve learned how to support her too. I think that’s what has sustained our marriage more than anything else.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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