On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
Christina* (26) thought leaving her possessive boyfriend for her best friend would finally give her the healthy relationship she’d been craving. Instead, she found herself trapped in another painful situation. In this story, she opens up about her dating history and why she’s embraced being single.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
It’s complicated. I’m single, although I’m in love with someone right now. Still, I don’t mind being single because it feels safe. I tend to lose myself in relationships.
How did you get here? Tell me about your dating history
My first serious relationship was with Femi*. We met in 2019 during my first year at university.
A friend posted him on her birthday, and I commented on his looks. She must’ve sent him a screenshot because not long after, he asked for my number. We started texting, and a few days later, he picked me up from school for our first date.
He was handsome and easy to talk to. Things moved quickly, and by our second date, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
What was the relationship like?
Rocky from the very beginning. We argued constantly because we were both hot-headed. If I didn’t answer his calls immediately or if he thought I’d gone somewhere without telling him, we’d fight. He was very possessive, and although I noticed the signs early, I convinced myself they were harmless. I thought it was cute that he always wanted me around.
But it only got worse. About three months later, I found out I was actually his side chick.
How did you find out?
A friend who knew about us sent me an Instagram video of Femi celebrating three years with another woman. I was shocked, but I’d already had my suspicions.
I once went through his gallery and found videos of the same woman. When I asked about her, he said she was his ex and claimed they’d recently broken up. He even said he’d forgotten to delete the videos.
When I confronted him after seeing the Instagram post, he admitted they’d gotten back together. According to him, their families were already involved, so he couldn’t just walk away. He had an excuse for everything.
Did you stay?
Yes. I was young and in love. He promised he’d sort everything out and make sure everyone was respected, so I decided to see how things played out.
He also knew exactly how to make me overlook the bad. He was generous, romantic, and financially supportive. He helped me pay for a training programme to attend fashion school.
I convinced myself that as long as his other girlfriend wasn’t disturbing me, maybe it wasn’t such a big issue. About a year into our relationship, they had a messy breakup after she moved abroad.
Lucky you. Did things improve once you had him to yourself?
Not at all. He became even more controlling. He wanted me to cut off male friends, and I started hiding harmless things from him just to avoid another argument.
One of the friends he wanted me to stop talking to was Michael*. We’d met during A Levels in 2018 and stayed close ever since. By 2021, he was one of my closest friends, and I’d always known he had feelings for me.
As my relationship with Femi fell apart, Michael and I spent more and more time together. I eventually developed feelings for him, even though he was also in a relationship.
One night, after another huge fight with Femi, I went over to Michael’s place. We had a few drinks and had sex.
Did that change the dynamics of your relationship?
It scared me because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
We avoided each other for a while, but we eventually broke up with our partners and became exclusive in 2012, even though we never clearly defined the relationship.
Curious, what did that look like in reality?
It felt peaceful; we understood each other without trying so hard.
But eventually, the cracks began to show, and it was largely due to his indecisiveness. We’d been together, but still couldn’t define what we were doing.
He always claimed he didn’t want me to be a rebound, since he had just left a relationship. He wanted more time before making things official. I’ve never been comfortable with uncertainty, so that really bothered me.
I also felt like he was hiding me. My friends knew we were together, but he kept me at arm’s length from his friends.
About eight months in, things got worse. He had a close female friend I’d never been comfortable with. Then, one day, while we were hanging out with friends, she mentioned something personal I’d only told Michael.
When I confronted him about sharing my private business, he became defensive and locked their chat. That destroyed my trust.
From then on, we argued constantly about her, and he refused to meet me halfway. Eventually, I stopped being intimate with him because I no longer felt emotionally safe.
What finally made you walk away?
I’d decided not to travel home for the holidays because I wanted to spend New Year’s with him. At the last minute, he cancelled our plans and told me he was going on a trip with his friends instead.
That was when I realised I was no longer a priority. I was tired of complaining, so I blocked him.
I expected him to reach out or fight for the relationship, but he never did. A few months later, I found out he’d started dating someone else while we were still going through all that friction.
It was one of the hardest heartbreaks I’ve ever experienced, but I eventually forced myself to move on.
Did you take a break from dating after him?
Femi came back into my life.
He’d been trying to win me back ever since I’d left him. By then, he seemed much more mature, and despite everything that had happened, he’d never completely let me go. Even while dating someone else, he still kept trying to get back with me.
As strange as it sounds now, that persistence became one of the reasons I gave him another chance. We got back together in 2022.
Was the second time any different?
Not really. The problems we’d broken up over never went away. It was only a matter of time before we slipped back into the same patterns, except I’d changed, too.
The first time around, I was always trying to keep the peace. The second time, I wasn’t willing to do that anymore. Every time he picked a fight, I gave it right back.
The arguments became worse. He didn’t care where we were or who was around. We’d argue in front of friends and even strangers.
To make matters worse, I strongly suspected he was cheating. I never caught him, but there were moments I’d call him and know from the way he sounded that he was with another woman.
Despite all this, what kept you in the relationship?
As much as we fought, we’d always make up, and when things were good, they were really good.
He had a way of making grand romantic gestures that made me forget everything else. I remember casually mentioning that I was craving food from a restaurant in Lagos. I lived in another state, but he arranged for someone to deliver it all the way to me.
He did things like that all the time, so I kept convincing myself the relationship was worth fighting for.
But by 2023, I’d had enough. Around that time, my phone was stolen. I was working on my final year project and struggling financially. He could easily afford to replace it, but he never even offered. I borrowed other people’s phones just to stay in touch with him, and he didn’t seem to care.
Eventually, one of my friends spoke to him, and only then did he buy me a small iPhone.
A few days later, we argued, and he immediately asked me to return the phone. That really hurt me.
When he came to see me later that day, I threw it back at him. He apologised afterwards, and one of his friends begged me to take it back, so I did.
But by then, I’d decided the relationship was over for good.
How was your love life after that? Did you meet anyone else?
I was emotionally exhausted.
For more than two years, I didn’t get into another serious relationship. Instead, I focused on upgrading my skills and completing my NYSC. I spoke to a few people here and there, but nothing really clicked until Steven*.
I’d actually known him for years. His sister, who was my friend, introduced us, but we never met in person because he relocated abroad. We’d check in on each other occasionally, but it was always platonic.
Last year, we grew closer. We started opening up to each other and would spend hours talking.
That’s when I started developing feelings for him. After everything I’d experienced, I realised how much I valued someone who spoke gently to me and made me feel emotionally safe.
Did he feel the same way about you?
He did. We spent time together when he visited Nigeria, and we even had sex.
Afterwards, we talked about where things were heading. He admitted he had feelings for me too, but said he didn’t want to tie me down with a long-distance relationship while he was abroad.
I understand where he’s coming from, but he’s still very much on my mind. We’re still talking, and for now, I’m just seeing where things go.
Femi came back into my life again this year and started talking about getting back together even though he’s currently in another relationship.
I’m not making that mistake again, but we’ve still been chatting. I’m also in a few other talking stages since I’m trying not to pour all my emotional energy into Steven.
Fair enough. What’s the biggest lesson your relationships have taught you?
When someone says they’re unsure about you, believe them.
Michael kept saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but almost immediately after we stopped talking, he started dating someone else.
I’ve also learnt not to ignore red flags. With Femi, they were there from the talking stage. We argued constantly, and I already knew he wasn’t being honest with me.
I ignored it all because I wanted the relationship to work. In the end, those same issues followed us throughout both relationships.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate them out of 10
8/10. I like this version of being single.
I can live my life however I want, and at the same time, my emotional needs are still being met by someone I care about. I know it won’t stay this way forever, but for now, it’s a good place to be.
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