Amodu* (48) grew up believing money was the foundation of every successful marriage. But when he unexpectedly reunited with a woman from his university days, he found himself confronting not just his fears about money, but also his family’s reservations about marrying an older woman.

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he shares how financial anxiety delayed his journey to marriage, why his parents initially opposed his wife and how 13 years later, he’s learnt that love alone isn’t enough to sustain a marriage.

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I thought financial comfort had to come before marriage

I used to be very scared of marriage because of the environment I grew up in. We were a small family: my parents, my siblings and I. But even though there weren’t many of us, life wasn’t exactly easy. My father was the breadwinner, and my mother also contributed through her business, yet resources always seemed stretched.

Part of the problem was that my father’s responsibilities extended far beyond our immediate household. His parents depended on him, and he also helped take care of his late brother’s family. 

Whenever they fought, money was usually at the centre of it. There was always another bill to pay, another responsibility to meet or another family member to support. Those experiences shaped how I viewed marriage.

Very early on, I became convinced that a man needed money before he could think about settling down. Throughout secondary school and university, I survived entirely on what my parents provided. I wasn’t the type to chase women or spend money trying to impress anybody because I never felt I had enough for myself.

That same mindset followed me into adulthood. I imagined marriage as something that could only happen after I had achieved a certain level of financial comfort. I wanted to be able to provide for my family without struggling. Most importantly, I didn’t want a marriage where money problems became a constant source of conflict.

The woman I married wasn’t the woman I expected

The biggest surprise in my marriage is probably my wife herself. I first met her at university. She was several years ahead of me and already preparing to graduate when I gained admission.

Back then, she was simply “Sister Ronke.” We met through a mutual friend, and she was always kind and helpful whenever I needed guidance. Because of the age difference and where we were in life, I never saw her romantically. She felt more like an older sister. But after she graduated, we lost touch. 

Then, nearly a decade later, life brought us together again in the most unexpected way. I was at the Ikeja airport waiting to pick up a friend returning from Hajj when I saw her. As it turned out, she had also just returned from Hajj. We exchanged numbers, started talking again and gradually reconnected. 

That was when I learnt more about her life. She had been married before, divorced and remained single afterwards. I was also still unmarried. By that point, many people around me had started questioning why I was still single. But in my mind, I still wasn’t financially ready.

Yet everything about our relationship felt natural. The more we talked, the more it felt like God was deliberately bringing us together again. I always knew she was older than me. In fact, she’s six years older. But honestly, most people don’t know unless we tell them. Even today, the age difference barely registers in our daily lives.

If you had told me when I was younger that I would marry an older, divorced woman with a child, I probably wouldn’t have believed you. But life has a way of surprising you.

Winning over my parents was harder than I imagined 

One thing nobody prepared me for was managing the relationship between my wife and my parents. From the moment I told them about her, there was resistance.

They both worried about her age, but my mother also worried about everything else. She didn’t like that she had been married before, and that she already had a child. She especially didn’t like that she was financially comfortable and independent.

My mother kept warning me that things would change after marriage. She said my wife would eventually become controlling. That her humility was temporary, and I was simply being deceived just for the sake of marriage. They were not things I wanted to listen to, but I could understand her concern. I was her first son, and she wanted me to marry right.

My father was less vocal but shared similar concerns. The funny thing is that I could have hidden some of this information from them. But my wife insisted that we should be completely honest. At the time, I wasn’t sure whether that honesty would help or hurt us. Today, I’m grateful we did things that way.

Although the early years were difficult. My mother didn’t receive her warmly, and there were many moments when I found myself stuck in the middle. I didn’t want to disrespect my parents, especially because I knew they believed they were protecting me. At the same time, I didn’t want my wife to feel unsupported.

So I spent a lot of time praying, mediating and encouraging patience on all sides. To her credit, my wife handled those years with remarkable grace. No matter what happened, she never disrespected my mother.

Today, things are much better. They’re not best friends, but they communicate. They visit each other when necessary, and we’ve reached a level of peace that once felt impossible.

One argument taught me never to weaponise our age difference

We’ve had our share of disagreements over the years.

One that stands out happened because of something that, on the surface, seemed very small. I started noticing that my wife rarely invited me to social gatherings involving her friends. At first, I didn’t think much about it because many of her friends were older and had known her long before I came into the picture.

Then one day, a friend invited us to her daughter’s wedding. I had seen the invitation card myself. It was addressed to both of us. Yet when the event came up, my wife insisted the invitation was only for her. I didn’t argue and simply allowed her to attend alone.

But afterwards, my attitude changed because I kept wondering why she lied. I clearly saw a “Mr & Mrs” on the invitation card.

Eventually, the issue turned into an argument. I accused her of being ashamed of me. Then, in the heat of the moment, I said something I immediately regretted. I told her that if anyone should be ashamed, it should be me because she was the older one.

Those words hurt her deeply, but that wasn’t even how I meant it. It was one of those moments that reminded me how destructive anger can be. Thankfully, we eventually apologised to each other and resolved it.

But that experience taught me an important lesson. Once you know something is sensitive for your partner, you don’t weaponise it during disagreements. I try not to make that type of mistake again.

Marriage taught me that love isn’t enough

If I could advise my younger self today, I would probably tell him not to wait so long before getting married. Sometimes I look at my friends from university and realise their children are already graduating while I’m still paying school fees.

Of course, I don’t regret the path my life took, because the financial stability I wanted has helped me comfortably provide for my family. Still, I think I spent too many years chasing a perfect level of readiness that doesn’t really exist.

As long as you find someone willing to build with you, there’s value in starting the journey together. And that’s why I don’t believe love alone sustains a marriage.

Love is important. Very important. But imagine if love were the only thing I brought into my marriage. Would love pay school fees? Would it settle disagreements? Would it help us navigate family issues? I don’t think so.

You need patience, kindness, understanding and tolerance. You need prayers, too. Most importantly, you need commitment because love itself is not constant.

There are days when the love flows freely, and there are days when you’re irritated by each other. The couples who last aren’t necessarily the ones who remain deeply in love every single day. They’re the ones who keep showing up for each other, even on the days when the love doesn’t feel very rosy. 

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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