Sharon* (21) feels satisfied and happy in her relationship with Tim*, her boyfriend of two years. But she can’t stop feeling guilty about how she treated her ex, Tobe*, when she wanted to end their relationship for the love she has now.
This is Sharon’s story as told to Betty:
An incoming call vibrates my phone in my pocket. I pull out the device and see my ex’s name flash across my screen. This is his fifth call today, and I’ve ignored every single one. Guilt churns my stomach as I decline for the umpteenth time. I’m not ready to have a conversation and explain why I cut him off. Honestly, he did nothing wrong; I just couldn’t ignore what my heart was telling me.
Let’s rewind to secondary school. A new student, Tim*, joined our class in SS1. When we saw each other for the first time, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that we had met before. He felt the same, so I knew there was something there. That weekend at home, I looked for my primary school graduation photo, and I got a pleasant surprise. Tim and I were in the same primary school set.
He was just as delighted when I told him, and we became really close friends. It didn’t take me long to realise that I liked Tim— a lot. He told me he liked me, too, but it was one of those things where I thought we were better off as friends. Besides, secondary school is nothing like the real world. I didn’t want to get distracted by my feelings or have them ruin our friendship. After leaving secondary school in 2021, we lost touch, but those feelings I had for Tim were never resolved, just buried at the back of my mind.
In my 100L, I was all in on making good grades, so I didn’t really entertain any suitors. After one of my departmental tutorials, I walked up to one of the organisers, Tobe*, and asked if he knew when the next one was going to be held. He took my number and promised to update me about the tutorial schedule. But instead of just tutorials, Tobe and I talked about almost everything else. Soon, we became very close and comfortable with each other. A few more weeks passed, and I started to realise that we were in a relationship. He never asked me out officially, but we did basically everything couples do. Besides, I felt like his girlfriend.
When we talked, Tobe would confide in me about his previous bad luck in romantic relationships. He said he always got his heart broken and asked why I would want to be with him. He wasn’t the most handsome guy in the world, but Tobe was two years ahead of me and talented. He was sweet, and I loved his voice. I reassured him that I was different and that I wasn’t going to hurt him. I liked him, and I enjoyed being with him. There was something about Tobe that made me feel so curious and intrigued that I couldn’t imagine why he had those doubts.
In 2023, when I was in 200L, a strike interrupted our school year, and we all went home for a bit. While we were away, communication between Tobe and me slowed to a crawl. We usually kept in touch much better, but something about that unexpected break from gruelling school work made it easy to relax and not think too much about texting my boyfriend or whether he replied or not.
During this gap in our communication, Tim and I reconnected online. At first, it was just a casual conversation with an old friend, but the more we talked, the more I realised that I still had a massive crush on him. We reminisced about all our favourite memories from secondary school, and I found out that we still lived in the same town. Tim invited me out to see a movie that weekend, and I agreed. I knew Tobe would have objected, but I felt that since he wasn’t giving me any attention, he wouldn’t be too upset about it. Besides, it wasn’t like Tim and I were going to do anything, so I pushed my niggling conscience aside and went to see the movie with him on that fateful Friday.
After the movie, Tim and I were talking about what we enjoyed about it. He then said he wanted to ask me something and I told him to go ahead. After beating around the bush for a bit, Tim asked me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked but secretly, a little pleased.
I asked him why he would want me to be his girlfriend. Why now? Why, after all that time had passed? Tim looked me in the eyes and told me his truth. He had liked me since we were in SS1, and even though we lost touch after school, he had never been able to stop thinking about me and his feelings. He didn’t want to miss another opportunity, and that’s why he was making his intentions known.
I loved that Tim wanted to be with me because my feelings for him were just as strong. But this also threw me into a dilemma: what was I going to do about Tobe? I told him I wanted sometime to think about it but when we went on another date to a park on Sunday, I said yes.
I already felt bad enough about being with Tim and was wondering how best to break it to Tobe when he started trying to communicate with me in earnest. I tried to tell myself that what I did wasn’t so bad because Tobe and I weren’t in a very defined relationship. But that didn’t stop my conscience from pricking me constantly. I was so wracked by guilt, and I didn’t know what to do. So instead, I made a decision I’m not proud of — I ghosted Tobe.
He tried so many times to contact me. Texts, calls, emails, you name it. I couldn’t bring myself to respond to him. I didn’t know what to say or where to start the conversation. The strike lasted a few months, so I thought that by the time we resumed, he would have stopped trying, but Tobe was relentless and it made me feel even worse.
Even though I did my best to avoid him, I ran into him at school, and he refused to let me go until I explained my sudden disappearance. I managed to choke out a summary of what happened during the strike. The knot of guilt in my throat almost made it impossible, but I did my best. The look on his face when I told him made my guilt even bigger.
He said he didn’t hold it against me for choosing my first love. After all, he said, he already knew that he had bad luck with love. I think I would have felt better if he had exploded in anger. I tried to explain that I was wrong and he should be more upset with me, but he just walked away.
After a few months of no contact, Tobe felt ready to discuss what had happened properly, but honestly, I was too afraid to even try. I had blocked his number and profile everywhere so he couldn’t reach me. Then one day after a class, he walked up to me and begged me to give him a number he could call so we could talk. I knew he still wanted to talk about us and why we ended. I couldn’t imagine looking him in the eye and telling him why I chose someone else. So I lied that my number was still working and he could reach me anytime, but I knew in my heart that we wouldn’t be talking.
The guilt became even worse, and I think it’s because I’m so happy with Tim. I’m afraid that karma might come back to pinch me later down the line. I tell him everything, and when we talked about this, he said that though what I did was cowardly, I should just let it go and not try to force the conversation. I suspected it was because he was a little jealous of Tobe, but it allowed me to convince myself that continuing to avoid confronting my guilt about Tobe was the right thing to do.
I would still choose Tim all over again. We’re still together, and our relationship only keeps getting better and stronger. I just wish that I had been gentler with Tobe’s heart, and I was brave enough to end things without hurting him too badly. He didn’t do anything wrong, but I had to follow my heart. I had to go to my true love.
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