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  • When I asked Nigerian women on Twitter to inbox me with stories of the exact moment they knew they had to leave a relationship, I didn’t expect some of the replies I got. Here are 30 stories of the exact moment these women knew they had to leave their relationship.

    1. Denisia

    We were lying down together and I was talking about how I miss my mum. I noticed he was quiet, so I asked what was wrong. Baba said he felt like strangling me but listening to me talk about my mom softened him up. WTF?

    2. Zee

    When I found myself sharing my relationship problems with a Facebook group so they could help me. I had a “Dear Joro” moment and just knew I had to japa.

    3. Lola

    We had a fight, and he demanded for the money he had loaned me when it wasn’t yet the agreed time to pay up. He later confessed that he did it to spite me. Imagine getting married to someone like that.

    4. Ore

    I confronted him about some messages I found on his phone. He was talking marriage with a colleague and it sounded serious. The way he denied the whole thing and just summed it up as “office wife” bants made me realise that the relationship wasn’t worth my peace of mind.

    5. Ada

    I was 20 years old and he was 11 years older than me. He got about £500 from me for his “business” and refused to pay back. He blackmailed and insulted me on top my own money. Almost got kicked out of the hostel cause that was my rent.

    6. Ana

    I wanted an iPad and he was like, “You already have a computer and a phone, why would you want an iPad? Don’t you know Apple is an exploitative company?” He had 2 Macbooks. The last straw was when I wanted to go to TFC for lunch and he insisted he knew better. I mentally checked out.

    He was a very nice guy, but on our last date, just before he was to travel for a long trip, I realised that I didn’t love him and he deserved better. I broke up with him a month after.

    8. Sarah

    We had been on and off, but I would always find my way back to him because I thought he was the one. Then my father died and I called to inform him. He asked me who was on the phone. Omo.

    9. Temitope

    So we’d been dating for a while and things were going on fine, till we went for one of his friend’s parties together. He was holding my hand, but the moment he saw his friends, he dropped my hand. They didn’t approve of a plus-size girl and he was ashamed to be seen with me. Broke up with him that night.

    10. Dami

    He said to me, “It’s not everything I say that you must respond to.” I said, “Then don’t fucking talk to me” and cut off the phone. That was one of the last conversations we ever had.

    11. Bola

    He could justify fornication and alcohol consumption, but he drew the line at me smoking weed once in 3 months. He also, in an argument about contraceptives, equated a vasectomy to a hysterectomy. When everyone knows that women have several contraceptive options while men are limited to condoms and vasectomy. Bonus: he is also pro-life. Bottom line: He was an “audio progressive man”.

    12. Uwana

    I had my appendix taken out and he didn’t show up. Mind you, a month after this operation would have been our introduction. Nobody from his family called me.

    13. Mercy

    I knew I had to leave the relationship when he was always invalidating my dreams, making them look small and talking down on my spirituality. I take that part of me seriously, and I would have loved him to respect that side of me. As soon as I left the relationship, I got a really good job. I guess his subtle negativity was holding me back.

    14. Rukayah

    I knew I had to leave a relationship when six months in, my ex told me he was not capable of loving me because he had suffered a heartbreak when his girlfriend of 7 years left him.

    15. Niyola

    The very first day I went to his house, I got drenched by rain on my way, so all I wanted was warm clothes and food. I was open to having sex with him, but I wanted to at least get warm and eat first. He wanted sex immediately.

    While I was trying to explain, he slapped me multiple times and raped me. I almost lost sight in an eye because of the experience. I didn’t report because the first time I tried to report a rape case, they told me I didn’t look like someone they could rape.

    16. Susan

    He kept cheating. One day, he swore on his mother’s life that he didn’t sleep with a girl. Turns out he slept with her that same night. If he could lie with his mother life, I knew had to flee.

    17. Aisha

    When he hit me a second time in our 4th year of marriage, dragged me on the floor and out of his house. He always called it his house. I regretted not leaving the first time he hit me. I knew I did not want any more regrets.

    18. Amaka

    I wore something that didn’t even expose any part of my flesh but because it was bum short, people were talking and he followed them to embarrass me in public. Something in me shifted that day. I sha cheated on him ( I don’t regret it). I told him I cheated, he forgave me, I cheated some more then I broke up with him.

    19. Lizzy

    He was my first boyfriend. I told him I didn’t like when he grabbed my butt in public and he started sulking and saying I was his babe and he can grab my ass at any point. The moment I checked out was when he mocked me for typing in full with comma, paragraphs and all of that. He said he doesn’t like it. What in the illiterate-waste-of-space was I dating? Omo, I left oh.

    20. Gloria

    He was the sweetest person ever. The whole relationship was great but the moment we had sex. It felt like I was having sex with my brother. It was just extremely weird for me. I didn’t know how to tell him. I eventually did after two years. I lied I was poly and left.

    21. Ella

    After helping him apply for several jobs, he told me he got a job in the UK and was leaving for training the following week. I was so happy for him. Before he left my place, he said he had a confession.

    Oga then tells me that he didn’t have any job, that he was just testing me to see if I had his best interest at heart. What in the Telemundo is going on and how do I unsubscribe? Took me months, but I finally left our 8-year relationship.

    22. Fortune

    He kept comparing me to his ex. Any small thing “Oby used to…” I had to leave. He should go and be with Oby.

    23. Hadiza

    He had a Jamaican stripper fetish. He was always asking for nudes. I kept sending them because he would guilt trip me. He continued till I just rolled my mat and ended my prayers. He ended up breaking up with me because according to him, “I didn’t understand him” but no, the reason was I wasn’t consistent with the teasing.

    24. Chi

    We went out for a drink and for some reason I couldn’t stand the sight of him, the sound of his voice, nothing, until I had a drink and was a little buzzed. Got home and asked myself why I needed to be tipsy to tolerate him. That was when I knew.

    25. Ene

    His wife DM’ed me under the guise of providing a service & a whole drama ensued which led to me being subbed every 3 months on Twitter.

    26. Oyin

    He would insult me at any giving opportunity or the slightest mistake. One night, he punched my face so hard and strangled me till I almost died. Woke up alive and just then I knew I had to leave this man (father of my two kids) if I still want to live.

    27. Abigail

    I would sometimes post bikini pictures or turn around in videos and he told me I was a slut. He told me that all I could offer anyone was my body and because of the kind of pictures I post, he thinks I lied about getting assaulted. This man also gave me six rules of things I must do and not do, saying that we are tied for life. We dated for two years.

    28. Joy

    The exact moment I knew I had to leave was when I went to see him and he demanded I block every guy who has ever moved to me, started reading my chats and when he saw that I didn’t block them, he stopped talking to me.

    29. Queen

    There were many times I should’ve left. I never should’ve been with him, in fact. He was immature, superficial and stuck in a toxic cycle with his ex. He clearly had no real idea who tf I was. Then he got more attached, more dependent, more entitled.

    The final trigger came when he mentioned marriage and had the nerve to suggest “you aren’t getting any younger” Me? Pressured? Into marriage? To you? On the basis of age? We were together three years, the first two in which he couldn’t have been clearer about not wanting to be with me yet he gaslighted me into staying because it was the economically smart thing for him to do while remaining conveniently irresponsible.

    When I broke up with him, he left me a message saying I “had a (commitment) problem and probably just can’t be with anyone longer than a year”

    30. Peace

    I found out he had impregnated his ex and had her move in with him — we lived in different cities. He was the one always visiting me in the city where I lived and worked but this one time, I flew to his city one afternoon after talking as though I was home.

    I paid him a surprise visit and his jaw literally dropped to the floor when he saw me. She told me that they’d been trying for a kid for the past three years and after three miscarriages, this one would not keep them apart. I looked at him and his face was bent low in shame and that’s when I knew it was all over. This man had gone to see my family for my hand in marriage.

    QUIZ: What Kind Of Partner Do You Actually Need? 

    A spontaneous partner or a patient one? Take the quiz.

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  • Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer in women after lung cancer. It not only affects the patient but their families as well. I spoke to some women who know people who have survived breast cancer and some who have lost people to breast cancer and this is their story. 

    Zara

    When I was two years old, my aunt found a benign lump in her breast. The doctors advised her to take things easy so she stopped driving. About 7-8 years later, she was diagnosed with cancer. She only told me after she got a mastectomy All my years of watching Medical TV shows did not prepare me for how real the whole thing felt. With chemotherapy and treatment, my aunt got better.

    Lola

    My aunt, a retired nurse, found a lump in her breast and didn’t tell anyone. Someone took her to a traditional home where she was told it was a spiritual attack. When things got out of hand, she reached out to my mother, who took her for a mammogram. She moved in with us so mum could take care of her. I remember her losing all her hair and a lot of weight. Her skin, palms, and sole became very dark. She was in so much pain. My mother had to give her an injection from time to time to keep her blood count up. Unfortunately, she died 10 days after her surgery due to negligence. Her dressing wasn’t done properly and there were maggots too.

    Nike

    My mom wasn’t literate and none of us lived with her, so when she had breast cancer, she didn’t tell anyone. According to her, she felt pain in her breast, she went to a general hospital and they referred her to a teaching hospital. The staff wanted her to come with her kids, at this point, she ran away and didn’t tell us. She endured the pain until 2004 when it became unbearable. When she told us, we took her to a doctor, by then, it was a stage 4 metastatic cancer. She went through chemo hoping they would do surgery but they were just managing her pain. In November, the doctors finally told her no surgery was being planned. From there, she seemed to shut down her own system and moved to an end-stage. She died in the second week of December 2004. Her body ravaged by cancer.

    Annie

    Two women in my family have had it. My aunt who managed it for 15 years, she’s passed on now and my grandmother who’s currently battling it. My grandmother found a lump while having a shower in 2008. Hers started out as axillary lymphadenopathy – which essentially is enlarged lymph nodes on the armpit. We’re literally in the car on the way to her 8th chemo cycle. I’ve been at this for such a long time, that her oncologist asked me to come and intern with him.

    Wunmi

    December 2019, my mom found a lump in her breast. She was diagnosed with cancer in April 2020. She was puzzled because 10 years ago, she had a mastectomy and thought it was gone for good. After having a back and forth with the LUTH oncology department about her files, she was able to get a consultation session with a private oncologist who charged three times as much. They put her on chemotherapy and she is expected to do four cycles before she is eligible for surgery. Before and during chemotherapy, she had terrible skin reactions but now, she is doing better and living more intentionally.

    Gift

    My aunt who is an unemployed single mother of one was diagnosed with cancer. She has been very secretive and gets defensive when asked about it. After convincing her to see a doctor, she refused to tell anyone about her diagnosis, taking agbo – local medicine – instead and saying this is how God probably wants her to die. I had to speak to the doctor who advised she removes the whole breast to avoid the cancer spreading. She has refused to do this. Recently, she said she found a hospital willing to do 6 months of Chemo for 180k but I don’t believe her.

    Shola

    March 2019, a few months before my mother turned 52, she found a lump in her breast while dressing up for work. My mum went to the hospital where she was examined and scheduled for a lumpectomy. The results showed a malignant tumour in her breast which was spreading fast. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and was told she needed an urgent mastectomy so she could begin chemotherapy.

    Thing is, after her mastectomy, another examination was conducted on the breast removed and there were no traces of a malignant tumour. We had several tests done and the results were the same. By now, my mum has already done two rounds of chemo. The doctors advised she continue treatment so they don’t any chances. By August 2019, my mom had undergone 6 rounds of chemo. But this year August, she has been declared cancer-free.

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  • The Nigeria police extorting innocent Nigerians isn’t news. It has gotten so bad over the years that they have grown bolder with their moves. Insisting civilians make a cash transfer to their personal account or taking them to withdraw money at an ATM.  Today, I spoke with 6 Nigerian women about their encounter with the Nigerian police.

    Sarah

    I was going to Ikorodu so I had to use the bus from Ojota. I wore a baggy jumper and a crop top that was just over my belly. When I got to Ojota garage, the agberos there started catcalling me. This alerted the police that had a check-up stand around the area. A policeman approached me and tried to arrest me. I was not having it. Meanwhile, the agberos and petty traders were still roaring in “righteous indignation”. He told me to go speak to his boss in the Hilux. I went, greeted the man, told him I wasn’t sure why everyone was shouting nor why I was being interrogated by his officer. He started laughing, casually opened a canister of teargas and emptied it on my forehead and face and then told me to go. My face and eyes burned the whole day.

    Elizabeth

    My friends and I went clubbing. On our way back, the Police stopped our car and threatened to take us to the police station. Now that I think about it, I am not sure if they were really policemen or SARS officers because they weren’t wearing any uniform and they came in a rickety bus. Anyway, they put us in their bus and start driving around. Our male friends in another car called us and start freaking out. The police people said they were taking all of us because we were prostitutes and didn’t have ID. Money came out and they let us go. I heard some girls got arrested and slept in a cell. 

    Regina

    I wasn’t sure if they were police or SARS cause they weren’t wearing a uniform but I know it was past midnight and I was attending a house party with my girlfriends. When they flagged out car down, I was scared because they were holding guns and we had recreational marijuana on us. They flagged our car down and our of reflex or fear I get jamming the doors locked when the bolt driver tried to open it. They searched the car and couldn’t find anything.

    After calling us prostitutes and focusing squarely on us and not even the Bolt driver, they decided to search us. I didn’t quite get it until one tried to touch me and I swerved. My friend got on her knees and started pleading in Yoruba, trying to get all friendly with them. I wasn’t going to allow them to touch us some type of way but I wasn’t going to kneel down either. The whole experience was just horrible. They took our 10k and called us lesbians. I later found the weed under the passenger seat lmao. I knew my Yoruba mother’s prayers on my head was working.

    Habibat

    I was returning from a party with my girlfriends when the police stopped us. I could tell from his slurred speech that he had been drinking. He called us prostitutes and told us to come down from our uber. He searched my bag looking for drugs and then pointed his gun at me. Saying it was us Arewa girls that like to stay naked under our jalamia. There was traffic along that berger road because of us. His colleagues had to step in and apologise for his behaviour. Even then, he kept pointing his gun at me talking about wasting prostitutes like me. It didn’t matter that I had a long flowing gown and my scarf on.

    Nana-Aisha

     I was on my way back home from the mall, where I went to buy new headphones. As I turned to Agidingbi, in Ikeja, I noticed some random bus following me. I didn’t think too much of it until the bus started speeding up towards me. Because I am paranoid as hell I turned away from my initial way home, and they followed. That’s when I was sure they were trailing me I sent my location to my friends and a description of the bus in case something happened to me. It was getting ridiculous after a few more turns so I parked. 

    As soon as I parked, one of them jumped in front of my car and pointed his gun at me. Another one tried to open the door to my car but it was locked. Then they started shouting, “why were you running?” I was so confused, I was like “why were you following me?” They said something about how I fit the description of an accomplice for some yahoo boys around the area because of my nose ring and face.

    They didn’t even do the routine Nigerian police “may we meet you,” they just asked me to open my car door and get out. I mean, I had to because they had guns. They then proceeded to turn my car upside down in the name of a stop and search. It was so annoying. I remember asking what they were looking for and worrying that they’d plant drugs in my car or something, they didn’t even have an answer.

    When they couldn’t find anything, they tried to search my body and insisted I opened my phone for them to check for “evidence”. They saw that I had shared my location with friends and they also saw an article I had been sharing with my contacts from the day before. It was that period a member of the TECH community accused SARS officers of extorting him, I had covered the story. It was so weird because SARS stopped me and saw my article about ENDSARS. 

    I identified myself as a journalist. The article pissed them off so much they let me go.

    Abigail

    So I went to computer village one time with my cousin. We were about to leave when a man, that wasn’t in uniform, stopped us and asked where we were going. We said we were going home. He asked for our phones and after going through it asked where I got the money to buy an Iphone. I told him my mother bought it for me.

    He started talking about taking me to the police station for questioning. I didn’t argue with him. I said “okay but I’d have to call my mom first.” He asked who my mother was and I told him to wait that he’ll soon find out. He started fidgeting and asked me to just settle him. Luckily, I didn’t have any cash on me. He asked me to withdraw and I said I didn’t have a card. I had to open my purse to show him the 200 Naira in it. He still took the money. 

    Names were changed to protect the identity of the women.

    Recommended: 8 Nigerians Recount Their Ordeals With The Nigerian Police

  • Every bride’s nightmare is something going wrong on her big day. Brides have come to anticipate disappointment from their caterers, event planners, photographers and even family. However, this bride didn’t anticipate the unpleasant surprise she got a day before her wedding. 

    Tena on her wedding day

    Planning a wedding in 3 months.

    No lives were lost in the process in this story but I was pretty close to murdering someone that morning. I initially wanted to make a dress but the wedding plans were everywhere. My registry marriage was on the 4th of October 2019 and my white wedding was meant to be in June of 2020 but our family wanted it in January so, I had just 3 months to plan the wedding and take care of everything.

    Saying “Yes” to a rented wedding dress.

    After sorting the drama of whether or not it would be a church wedding and what church, the next question was naturally, what dress would I wear? I went dress shopping with my mom, aunt, maid of honour and mother-in-law.  They were particular about the dress because my mother-in-law is a bit religious and she had concerns about what people might say. So what this means is my titties won’t be making an appearance (sorry girls). 

    My dress was meant to be custom made but I was feeling very lazy about doing follow up on the designer so I opted for a rented dress. I convinced myself with the lazy mantra of “why spend money making a dress when you can just rent one?” 

    I still stare at wedding dresses in lust.

    We went dress shopping and eventually, we decided on a dress. Definitely not my dream dress cause I still catch myself staring at wedding dresses. It was a beautiful dress and everyone loved it but it wasn’t my favourite. You know when people repeatedly tell you something is beautiful or perfect until you just find yourself agreeing with them. I didn’t hate the dress, I just didn’t LOVE it. 

    They fucked up the pick-up date.

    The dress was agreed on, booked and paid for. It was supposed to be delivered on a certain date but they called to ask us to pick up the dress on an earlier date because they were closing for Christmas. On the agreed date, my mother-in-law and I attended a wedding together before going to pick up the dress. Only for them to tell us it was a wrong date we should come back the following week on Thursday. This was strange because they were the ones who fixed the pick-up date. Plus, It wasn’t doable because Thursday was my traditional wedding.

    There was a lot of back and forth until my mother-in-law volunteered to pick up the dress for me when she comes for the trad.

    I forgot about my wedding dress.

    Fast forward to my traditional wedding and I totally forget about my wedding dress because I’m busy with trad stuff. My mother-in-law had to remind me about it. My white wedding was meant to be two days after the traditional wedding and the agreement was trad in my state and white wedding in my husband’s state. So on the day after the trad, my mother-in-law came bearing bad news.

    The omoest omo don happen.

    See, I think she told my mom or something because no one said a word to me, maybe because they didn’t want to stress me. The bad news is, my wedding dress was delivered with a burnt black patch on my train. WHAT? WHATTTT?

    The dress was delivered in a garment bag but my mother-in-law insisted on seeing the dress over. That was when she noticed the big, black, burnt patch. 

    WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WEDDING DRESS?

    The person who delivered it was just as dumbfounded as we were. The store had closed for Christmas but they had someone deliver the dress to us. She didn’t even work with them, she was doing a friend a favour. 

    Apparently, the last bride before me, the train got caught in a sparkler and that was how it burnt.

    The dress was huge and so it had to be fixed, the burnt bit. So, here I was, the day before my wedding waiting for my dress to be redone.  They fixed the back, got another fabric on it but it was just wrinkled and the colour seemed off. Honestly, it didn’t look like the dress I tried on in their store anymore. 

    I almost wore my reception dress with a veil for my white wedding. 

    We almost went dress shopping in the morning but the refund we got wasn’t enough to rent another dress. I started threatening to wear my reception dress with a veil to the church. They fixed the dress as much as they could and I was just like, fuck it, it’s fine but inner me knew I was just managing it. The plan was to wear the dress for a few hours and just take it off as soon as I could. 

    Word of Advice to Young brides

    Get a planner! I had one and she made sure I actually had a good time at the wedding.
    Not getting your dream dress is not the end of the world (although I’m still trying to convince myself to let go of the idea).
    Many things will go wrong, don’t come and kill yourself just have fun or get through the day without hurting anyone.

    Tena and her boo having fun on their wedding day.

    Recommended: What She Said: What We Hate About Being Married.

  • Dating a Yoruba man is something most people do to build character. Some consider this extreme sport as a cry for help and a means of inflicting self-harm. From the Tundes to the Femis, Yoruba men will leave you wishing you chose a life of celibacy. Today, I spoke to a 25-year-old lady who has been in 6 awful relationships, dated only Yoruba men and considers them her Kryptonite.

    Man No. 1

    I was 16 years old when I started dating guy number 1. He was twice as old as me if not older and kept pressuring me to have sex with him. This man was already talking about getting married and settling down with me but the whole thing was just off. I had just graduated from secondary school and now that I think of it, he was definitely a predator. I turned him down every time he asked for sex and broke things off when I found out he was 2 years older than my stepmother. We only dated for 6 months.

    Man No. 2

    When I realised that man number 1 was weird, I ghosted. I started talking a certain neighbour of mine who lived in the next street. He was 7 years older than I was, a med student as at the time and the first man I ever slept with. We dated for a while but it was on and off before we drifted apart. In the second year, we were only seeing each other once a year and things only got worse after I left my city to another state for schooling. 

    Man No. 3

    Shortly after I moved to a new state, guy number 2 stopped talking to me. We were still in a relationship but not really. I met guy number 3, he was such a lovely man. We started talking and one thing led to another and we had sex. Problem is, I got pregnant. I had just turned 18 and I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Deep down, I knew my life was going to be over if I kept the baby so I had an abortion. I didn’t tell anyone until after.

    Man No. 4

     This was my serious relationship. I met guy number 4 in my school. He was a lecturer for one of the general courses. This was one of the youngest I’ve dated as he was just 2 years older than me. He was fresh out of NYSC and this was his first job. I found him intriguing. We didn’t do anything until he left school, after which, we started dating.

    Our sex was phenomenal, he is the best sex I’ve ever had till date. However, the downside to him was that he was very manipulative, hot-tempered and he physically abused me. In the course of the relationship, he hit me about 4 times. 

    The first time he hit me, we had a fight and he beat me up. Omo, I left his house. This guy came to my house begging and crying. Also, he was fond of randomly breaking up with me every time we had a disagreement. I would want to talk thing out but he would act like his mind was made up.

    One time, I travelled to see my dad and he broke up with me. I took the next bus to Lagos to see him. I got to Lagos in the night and this guy left me outside his house until 3:00 am. That night we fought and he beat me up, I decided to just break things off. This was actually the second instance he hit me. 

    The fourth and last time he hit me, I smashed everything in his house. 

    My sisters were the only ones who knew he was abusive and they made sure I cut him off entirely. I was a little reluctant cause this was my first serious relationship and my family knew him and I loved him so much. In the end, I knew it wasn’t worth risking my life for. By the time he came begging again, I had already moved on from him. I was 21- 23 years old when I dated him.

    Man No. 5 

    I met guy number 5 during my NYSC days. It was just 2 months after breaking things off with guy number 4. Funny enough, I don’t think he was a rebound. He came into my life when I needed someone. I didn’t think I was going to find love after guy number 4. 

    The relationship was very blissful but I grew suspicious of him. My instincts felt a bit off about him. I asked if he was in a relationship and he told me he just broke up with his girlfriend. My suspicion grew whenever I was at his place because he would enter one of the rooms and be making calls. It felt like he was always hiding. 

    He didn’t let me follow him on social media so I decided to create an Instagram burner account to stalk him. That was how I found out he had a serious girlfriend. I met him in June. In July, he had his wedding introduction. It was on a Saturday, that Monday, he was with me. I didn’t even do all this research until December. 

    When I confronted him, he told me he didn’t lie to me, he just withheld information. 

    In January he told me he was getting married. By April, he got married. When I wanted to leave but he started weeping and begging and I really loved him. I don’t think I’ve loved anyone as much as I’ve loved this man. I agreed to stay with him. Four-month after he got married, we were still dating, it became exhausting so I ended things.  

    I still follow him and his wife on my burner to date.

    Man No. 6

    I met guy number 6 when he was a corper with me in NYSC. We hit things off and started dating. Thing is, guy number 5 came into the picture again and I couldn’t resist him so we started hanging out and having sex again. I have ended things with him for good. However, guy number 6 is non-commital to our relationship and it’s just off-putting. We live 20 minutes away from each other but since the lockdown, we’ve only seen each other 4 times. I plan on breaking up with him this week. 

    Recommended: Important Things You Should Know Before Dating Yoruba Men

  • If you’ve seen 6 Nigerian Women Share Their Experience Working In Healthcare then you’d understand how important it is to tell the challenges of Nigerian women working in different eco-systems. Today, I asked 6 Nigerian women in tech to describe the tech scene in Nigeria with one word and to share the challenges they face in this space.

    Ugonna, Frontend Engineer

    Challenging.

    Asides the fact that I have to keep learning about technology and try to solve problems with what I’ve learnt, I constantly have to fight for to keep my space as a woman in a predominately male industry. An incident that stood out for me was one time, a male colleague of mine had a problem and needed help, this person tagged all the men in the group asking for help but didn’t tag me. Turns out I was the only one that had the solution.

    Jemima, Frontend developer

    Potential.

    There are so many brilliant minds in the tech space doing amazing things with technology. I have no doubts that the Nigerian tech space has the potential to do incredible things. However, most of the group chats or spaces I belong to have a distinctive “boys club” feel. So the jokes or comments they make are not things that I’d agree with but I also don’t have the energy or patience to engage in discourse so I usually ignore it. I wish there was a more vibrant tech community for girls in Nigeria. Not just for advancing careers and things like that but just somewhere you can vibe with people in a similar field. 

    Sarah, Data Science/Analytics

    Interesting.

    A major challenge for me is the overfamiliarity. A good example is if I work on a project and put it out there. Maybe post a link to the source code or write an article, people reach out to me on twitter or LinkedIn which is fine until they start texting me every day, calling me “dear” or “baby”, asking if I have eaten. I am expected to be courteous even though I find it exhausting. Some will come under the guise of “let’s work together”, “let’s collaborate” and when you turn them down, they try to make you feel stupid or proud.  Then there’s the profiling that ladies who have other casual interests like fashion, beauty, are not good technically. I need people to come off it because when guys have hobbies, nobody claims it affects their skills. 

    Ope, Product Designer

    Exciting.

    I have to fight to be heard or taken seriously. As a woman in tech, people glide over you and assume you aren’t technical or bold enough. You’re expected to be a sort of caretaker, not the person making the bold moves. Getting a masters degree didn’t stop these things from happening to me. Although, I noticed that when people know I have an advanced degree, they tend to take me more seriously. 

    Lami, Product Designer 

    Pointless.

    I would have described it as toxic but that’s too strong. some of the major challenges I face are my male peers not taking me seriously. There’s also inferiority complex, confidence issues and sexism. Plus a lack of a strong support system has made it challenging.  I am trying to cope by reminding myself that I love what I do and I am doing my best.

    Chioma, Full Stack Developer

    Confusing.

    The tech space is a mix of big talkers who barely know their stuff, people who do but are barely known, downright nasty people, people who are out to scam you, people who belittle you because you are a woman, people who magnify every mistake you make because, again, you are a woman, people who genuinely want to see you grow. It’s hard to know who is who.

    I worked in a place two years ago where my bosses ignored me (they were supposed to train me) and instead put me in charge of looking after the kids who came for summer coding camp because I was a babe. Another outstanding one is the way male designers I worked with, talked down to me all the time.

    Names were changed to protect the identity of the subject.

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    One year ago, we left Nigeria for an 80-day adventure across West Africa. Something is coming. Unshared stories. New perspectives. Limited series. 10 episodes.

  • It’s no secret that the healthcare system in Nigeria is already in the pits. From underpaid professionals to lack of basic facilities. Today, 6 Nigerian women shared with me the challenges they encounter working in healthcare. 

    Sarah, Pharmacist

    The sexual harassment in my workspace is on another level. My boss was always asking for a kiss. He’d find every opportunity to touch me. Whenever I turn him down, his attitude would change. This man insisted that he loves me but he was like this with all the female workers. I tried to manage the situation but I couldn’t cope. Ended up quitting that job. 

    Aisha, Doctor

    I receive sexual advances from patients, their relatives and even my colleagues. Sometimes, I am ignored during rounds by patients because they do not see me as a doctor. I also hate that people automatically expect me to pick the less difficult part of medicine. If I say I want to major in trauma surgery or something more demanding, everyone goes “oh, but won’t that be too difficult for you as a woman?” “How would your husband cope?” and all sorts of ridiculous excuses. 

    Also, the Dr Mrs xx thing is really irritating. Just call me Dr xx, period.

    Wande, Doctor

    The healthcare space is a reflection of Nigeria as a country. Women are being undermined at every level. From employers who try to police your womb, who insist you mustn’t get pregnant in the first few years on the job to colleagues who claim you’re overreacting when you call them out for crossing personal boundaries or being verbally or sexually abusive. I have patients who refused to respect my treatment because they need a male doctor or those who call me aunty nurse even when I correct them. 

    Ose, Nurse

    A patient’s relative said I didn’t deserve to talk to him because I was an unmarried woman. The assumption is that I cannot handle certain situations because of my marital status. As a professional nurse, I have encountered people who think being a woman means you know less about your job than your male counterparts. Some outrightly express shock when I do my job like “wow, you really can do this.” Sir/ma’am, I was trained to do this. People just expect less from me and I keep beating their imagination. 

    Chioma, Doctor

    I have patients who ask if I am a “real doctor” and then proceed to treat my advice with disdain because I don’t have a penis. Older nursers are harsher to me and the other female doctors. A patient at the emergency once told me that needed help getting his drugs and I told him to ask the attendant. He became angry and started shouting that why would I refuse to go on his errand.

    One time, a senior colleague who was fond of making very inappropriate sexual jokes asked me to get him a bottle of coke. When I gave it to him, he mentioned that Yoruba women kneel down to give men things and I should have done that. I told him I wasn’t Yoruba and it didn’t apply to my culture. This man made a show of calling me disrespectful.

    Rita, Doctor

    I almost got beaten up by a patient’s relative who barged into the consulting room because he claimed I was spending too much time with another patient (whom I was counseling because he just got a diagnosis of prostate cancer). 

    The angry man said, “the doctor keeping us waiting is even a woman” with so much disgust.  A medical student had to run out to get the security guard and a SERVICOM officer who took him out of the room despite his struggles and loud shout about how he would beat me blue-black.

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  • Nigerians have come a long way from how they perceive mental health. The youths are more mindful and self-aware and are in turn educating the older populace about mental awareness. Today, I spoke to 6 strong Nigerian women about their mental health journey and because this is a story of how they conquered, I will be adding their superpowers.  

    Sophie, 21, 

    Superpower: Resilient and self-aware

    In 2019, my mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. It came as a shock to me because she is my everything, she is the parent that stayed so to see her become so ill broke me. At the time, I was already dealing with overthinking and anxiety so it was tough for me to accept this new reality. I’d be at school or work and start worrying that something must have happened to her in my absence.

    A part of me is still ridden with guilt that somehow this is my fault. It’s ridiculous, I know but I cannot help but feel like I should have seen the signs or been more attentive.

     Over time, I took on more responsibilities and I could feel myself getting drained. As she got better, I became worse. Food, sleep, hanging out became a distant memory for me. Whenever I went out, I’d find myself crying in the uber. This was when I decided to get help. E-counselling has really helped me. I now know to keep my mind and personal space clean. Trying not to clutter my life with negative people and so far, things have gotten better. I am mentally in a better place.

    Anna, 25

    Superpower: Speaks 4 languages and knows over 60 countries national anthem

    I started learning national anthems as a way to beat depression and social anxiety. When I was 6, my twin brother died. When I turned 8, my mom died as well. It was just me and my dad and he wasn’t really the “fatherly” figure one would expect. He remarried and that was when my life truly became hell. My stepmother tortured me for days. She’d lock me up in a room for an extended period whenever my dad was away. It got so bad that I refused to come home for mid-term breaks and I’d be the last to leave school on long holidays. 

    When I got into university, this woman would pay boys to beat and harass me. At some point, I became friends with the guys she used to send. We would end up using the money she paid them to hang out.

    Whenever I complained to my father, he would tell me everything would be okay. It took this woman almost setting me on fire for my father to send me to my aunt’s place. When I moved in with my aunt in Lagos, I began to seek help. I would stay indoors for days without eating or moving. So my aunt made me see a therapist and I got diagnosed with clinical depression. 

    In December 2018, I wrote a suicide note, had a bottle of sniper near me that day. Funny enough, a call from my Dad saved me. 

    He just called and said he loves me. That was the first time my dad ever uttered those words to me.

    So I’ve been battling a lot of anxiety and sadness all my life. Even now that I’m older and more independent, I still have a lot of anxiety. 

    Sometimes I feel like my heart is about to fall out of my chest. I have unnecessary panic attacks. I almost feel like I’m broken. This past week, I haven’t been able to sleep at night. I’m mostly awake overwhelmed by my own thoughts.  As much as I am thankful for life, I do not feel like I have a purpose. 

    Dami, 22

    Superpower: Very Logical and empathetic 

    I have battled with mental health issues all my life but the incident that stood out for me was the year 2018 when I was in school. When it happened I just knew I had to get help. Just before I had my exams, I had a breakdown. Stayed in bed for a month, couldn’t function or eat. It ended with me in the hospital getting diagnosed with depression. It was so bad that I had to take a year off school. My parents wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting stressed over schooling while recovering. I think it hit them hard when they found out that I was cutting myself. 

    For me, I would say my triggers were a function of the uncertainty that hit me. All my life, I have maintained good grades, done what I was told to do and now I have to figure things out myself and the nagging question of “what next, what now?” hit me harder than I anticipated. I cut myself every few days during the hardest point of my depression. The only reason I’m alive is that I kept thinking about how my death would wreck my family and the religious implications as well.

    I am very grateful for modern medicine and therapy. Although, being on anti-depressants makes me numb. I don’t feel sad or ecstatic about anything but it is better than feeling a pang of overwhelming sadness. I’d advise that people on anti-depressant always speak to a doctor before going off them cause suddenly stopping medication can lead to a deeper depression. I know this cause I have lived it. 

    Akpevweoghene, 20

    Superpower: Unique thought process, open-minded

    I haven’t been diagnosed yet but I have shown symptoms of anxiety. It is easy for me to breakdown during an argument, especially with a loved one. There was a day I broke down and tried to harm myself. It was terrible. I cried my eyes out, used my body to hit the floors. It was scary and confusing plus I had no idea what was happening. I felt insane. It got worse, I entered the kitchen, picked up a lighter and started burning my hands. A loved one had to intervene. After the incident, I started reevaluating myself. I wondered why I couldn’t feel the burning pain until I stopped hurting myself. It made me realise that I may have a mental health issue. ‘

    Seeing that I cannot afford therapy, I have been getting help from mentally aware. Some days the breakdowns are subtle like the rains and other days it could be as harsh as a storm. To cope, I have distanced myself from my toxic family and their expectations. Writing also helps. 

    I believe everyone has their share of mental health issues but how they handle is what truly matters. The world may vilify people who have been open and expressive about mental health but I want those that aren’t speaking up to know that it is not their fault in any way and they shouldn’t let stigma stop them from speaking up.  

    Stephanie, 21 

    Superpower: Ghosting

    Having a mental health issue actually saved me from a bad relationship. thing is, I left a bad relationship to a worse one. When I tried to leave again, the guy would come with a face full of remorse and a mouth full of apologies. I knew the relationship wasn’t what I wanted cause of the amount of stress the guy put me through. Imagine being in a relationship where your partner enjoys having quarrels. He was an overthinker and if I agreed too quickly on something with him, it would stir up an argument. I gave 80% of my life to him, we were always together because he’d insist on it.

    I could feel myself hitting rock bottom in the relationship but I stayed. Until I started crying in my sleep. I’d wake up with tears and the nagging memories of a nightmare. I knew I had had enough when I woke up to voices in my head screaming hateful things at me. It was terrifying because it felt so real. I could hear the voices saying “I hate myself, I hate you.” 

    Thing is, I would never think these words to myself on a normal day so why are these voices yelling this at me? The voices were throwing a tantrum and I just stayed there crying. I didn’t want to link it with mental health because I felt I was strong and these things were beneath me. Eventually, I ended the relationship and left all social platforms for about 6 months. I didn’t go for therapy but I took on meditation, yoga and exercise to cope. Life is meant to be enjoyed and I’m glad I found what works for me.

      

    Kevwe 26

    Superpower: Selfless with a big heart that has nothing to do with cardiomegaly.

    When I was in school in 2014, my father died. I had bouts of depression. Back then, I wasn’t quite sure what the emotions I was going through were but now I know that it’s a miracle I was able to pass my exams that year. Since then, I have dealt with anxiety in different forms. I have researched painless ways to die.

    In my search for an optimal suicide option, found an injection that could let me go away painlessly but it’s wasn’t sold in Nigeria. The other options were drowning in the 3rd mainland bridge or by hanging. I searched for anything that would make me go and ensure I didn’t survive cause it would be worse than the depression. I didn’t want to deal with the guilt or get arrested cause apparently, suicide is a criminal offence in Nigeria. 

    The funny thing is, my organisation provides resources for therapy and such but I just want to wallow. I don’t think there is anything to be happy about. Right now, I can’t even tell my partner cause he is going through his own problems. In times like this, I miss being able to pray and just take things to Jesus. It was easier. I don’t want to be woke anymore, I want to sleep. I’m tired. 

    For more more stories like this, read How living with my family triggered panic attacks.

  • Since the dawn of time, women have worn makeup to accent their features. What nobody tells you is how hard making up is. One wrong move and you’ve ruined everything. That said, here are 5 things novice struggle with when wearing makeup.

    Drawing your freaking eyebrows

    Women understand that a face without eyebrows is basically a jog into the medieval ages (it was cool to be brow-less back then. Yikes).

    You know drawing eyebrows is hard when you start asking yourself questions like why have my brows vowed to never be symmetrical? Why is the left brow thicker than a South African woman and the right brow looking disable? Why is my concealer not concealing? Sis, the eyebrow struggle is real.

    Winging your eyeliner

    Do you want to recreate a cat-eye look or give your face a badass-boss-bitch look? Well, too bad cause your eyeliner’s fucked up. How come every time we are required to draw our eyeliner, it seems we have Parkinson? That’s when your hands will shake or someone will push you off a cliff and now your eyeliner looks all weird. The worst part is when you try to do damage control, you end up adding to the eyeliner until you look like a panda. 

    Contouring our face

    Most women have given up on contouring because of the evil it has done to them. You’ll have a contour set but every time you attempt to contour your face, you end up looking like an artist’s palette for earth-toned colours. The entire thing just refuses to blend and even when it does, your face looks like you’re a contestant for RuPaul’s Drag Race. Lord, please take the brush. 

    Highlighting your cheekbones and nose:

     Sis, I know you didn’t start out wanting to look like Rudolph the red-nose reindeer but in a bit to highlight your “contoured” face, you’re now out here looking like Rihanna sang “Shine bright like a diamond” for you. The worst part is, you probably know the secret to good highlighting is portion control but no matter how hard you try, your face ends up looking like the sun can reflect off it if it tries hard enough.

    Applying eyeshadow

    GIRRLLLL. I know you’re tired. After watching a myriad of youtube videos on how to apply eyeshadow, it sucks that we still can’t get it right. We see how the YouTubers apply layers and layers of colours in such fluid motion only for us to try it and now we literally look like the LGBT+ flag during a pride march. When does it end? 

    Bonus: Fixing eyelashes

    A lot of people don’t even attempt this so they don’t end up blind. I genuinely pity my sisters out there who try to make it work but end up glueing their eyes shut. The struggle to remove dried gum from their eyes is real. It’s worse if you have a sight defect. We can only do our best and insha’Allah our way into a good turnout.

    If you can’t relate to anything in this listicle, from the bottom of my heart, screw you and your immaculate makeup skills.

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  • As told to Eris Ekanem

    I had a conversation with a 24-year-old who suspects that her husband cheated on her with his cousin while they were still dating. She talks about the age difference between them, the disrespect she had to endure while dating him and the choice she had to make.

    There are so many decisions I have made that I regret. My only excuse is that I was young and very naive. Looking back, I can see how easy it was for people to take me for granted. First off, I was a 17-year-old dating a 32-year-old man. Secondly, I got pregnant and married him 4 years after. Within those four years, so many things happened that threatened our relationship and I wish I saw them for what they were: red flags.

    When my husband and I were dating, it was a rollercoaster ride. The contrast in personality and age was vast, but the idea of dating someone older held a thrill for me. 

    My life was pretty simple. I lived with my parents, and he lived with a family friend because he needed to be close to school and work. For someone who was a big deal in the area, people didn’t get why he would date me. In a lot of ways, I felt lucky that he was dating me. His ex-girlfriend was such a babe that waves of insecurity hit me every time she came up in a conversation.

    I thought my husband was only with me because I was a virgin, and he wanted to fuck and go. In fact, that was his initial plan, but after a while, he decided to take things more seriously. I made up my mind to have sex with him because I felt I was going to do it anyways and it was best to do it with someone I won’t regret being with.

    The real problem started when the younger sister of the family friend he was living with got very close to him. I figured she didn’t like me at all because when I started dating my husband, I would greet her and she wouldn’t respond. The way she’d look down on me, I could tell she couldn’t imagine what he saw in a small girl like me when she was there, a working-class lady with her own car.

    After the second year of dating my husband, she realised that we were getting pretty serious, so she started speaking to me. However, it didn’t stop her from laughing at me with her friends when they came around.

    I was hurt, but I just ignored the whole thing out of love for my husband. But, there were so many times that this same man that I was enduring insults for would leave me on the bed in his flat and go to her flat.

    I would wake up in the middle of the night and I won’t see him on the bed.

    Sometimes, I’d worry so much I’d start pacing. The first time it happened, he said he went out for fresh air because the room was hot and had lots of mosquitoes. This was a blatant lie because he didn’t want me to follow him to get that fresh air he was receiving

    And I couldn’t go to the other flat cause nobody knew I was staying in his flat for the night. He had to sneak me in at night and sneak me out early in the morning after everyone goes to work.

     When it became too much, I confronted him about it. He swore that they were cousins and he had never done anything with her. While he was talking, I kept thinking, “Why are you cheating and lying about it? The lies are so disrespectful because you don’t even rate me enough to put in the effort.” I felt extremely hurt. 

    I knew for a fact that he was cheating because there was a time he was talking to his friend and he mistakenly let out that he has seen the other girl naked. He didn’t know I was in the room. He just went on and on about how the girl likes to touch herself and fuck her pillow cause she doesn’t have a man. 

    I would cry and ask my friends for advice. Some told me to leave the relationship. They believed we won’t end up together because I was so much younger than him and had nothing to offer. I was also scared to leave him because I had already gotten an abortion for him and he was all I knew.

    In our 4th year together, I left him to date someone else. I really liked the new guy. He was everything I could ask for in a man. The new guy was kinder and just perfect but I found out I was pregnant for my ex, I couldn’t abort this one again. The guilt from the first abortion almost killed me. Honestly, I just didn’t have it in me to do it the second time.

     I really didn’t want to go back to the relationship. After being taken for granted, I was tired of him sleeping with other girls and reassuring me of my place in his life. He was so freaking arrogant. He planted the impression that if I tried another relationship, they will fuck and dump me. I held on to him for so long because I didn’t feel desirable.

    My current boyfriend thought the pregnancy was for him and wanted me to keep it but I had to tell him the truth. I didn’t want him to care for the child and one day find out the truth so I left him.

    My ex took responsibility for the pregnant and we got married. His “cousin” was at the wedding giving me the stink eye. Her mother and herself were just acting strangely throughout. I knew it was because they didn’t expect my husband to marry me. But I don’t care.  I have learnt to just put myself together and live without regrets.

    Anyway, he is nicer now. Much better than when we were dating but I sometimes wish things turned out differently.

    For more stories like this, read Sex Life: Why I’m Now Celibate After Several Terrible Experiences.